Match Reports



Match Reports

10th June 2022
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V&A v The Townies & Country Folk XI

  Last week is almost always my favourite of the English sporting summer for several reasons.  Many of our number were at the first or second day of the Lord’s Test Match (as, for that matter, were many of the opposition) and Joe Tetlow even went back on Sunday to watch Rooty do his thaaang and for England to hunt down that rarest of beasts: Victory, from the gnashing jaws of defeat. The other reason it’s a firm favourite is that The Townies & Country Folk XI are such a joy to spend the day with. We’ve touched gloves with some rum coves this season, but faith has been restored thanks to George Winters and his band of Merry Men (quite literally).    It was pissing it down when we arrived at Stonor. Pete & Tom of the Townies were early-ish and huddling for cover under the pavilion. I noted […]
2nd June 2022
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V&A v STAR CC

  In conversation with a possible new recruit to the cause this week I was pressed to describe what sort of cricket we play. ‘Languorous’ sprang to mind, which is about all one can reasonably expect from the sort of waifs, strays and aesthetes that we have tempted to the Stonor Valley in years gone by. An air of disdain for responsibility, blended with the faintest whiff of Tiggerish insouciance are all that is required to pass muster. Cricket as escapism is, I wager, why we’re all really here. Joe Tetlow escapes his weekly dose of Lefty socialism, courtesy of Green Alliance. Christiaan Jonkers escapes the workmen who toil away on his new East Wing. Nicky Bird, I suspect, escapes the police. Whatever the motivations for playing, the one thing that is for certain is that it isn’t about the result at all.   Except, of course, that it absolutely is. […]
11th May 2022
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V&A v ACME

  There is, I’m told, a pseudo-intellectual argument among classical melomaniacs that not a single piece of music penned between Bach and Stravinsky is worth it’s salt. That discounts Mozart, Beethoven, Schubert (actually that I understand), Wagner, Rachmaninov… the list goes on. Its equivalent in cricket is the immortal adage: ‘Win the toss and bat’. Absolute tosh. We live in the ‘Modern’ era of the chase. But the music line was fed to me at the lunch interval by CPW Jonkers, so there’s no wonder its tosh.    ACME have returned to the fold after a brief absence from our fixture card and the season is much the better for it. They, like us, have been around since 1975 and colourful veteran of the V&A, Martin Bowden, has been a talisman in their number for many years. They boast the first mother/daughter cricketing duo to grace the field at Stonor, […]
5th July 2021
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V&A v The Royal Household CC

  Before beginning this report, the author would like to extend his deepest apologies to Messrs. Emley, Jones & Tetlow who have been waiting an entire week to see their names in lights. I beg your collective indulgence. The Royal Household haven’t had a fixture against the V&A for a jolly long time. Traditionally based at Frogmore (Windsor way, near some sort of castle apparently) where opposition are invited to attend (Queenie included, I might add) – it has not been forthcoming. I suspect one of the V&A from days of yore used a fish knife for the salad, or something. However, with the Royal Parks closed to make sure HRH doesn’t catch Covid from the great unwashed, the Household are homeless and it was our pleasure to host them. A timed game had been agreed in advance, a format favoured by traditionalists of the sport who enjoy the nuance […]
29th April 2021
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V&A vs. BBC Bushmen CC

Well the good news is that no one is talking about vectors of disease (or VD, for that matter) this year… sleaze now seems to en vogue: a globular, slimy residue that resides solely within the corridors of power. They’re all far too interested in whether Dominic Cummings will train his beady little eyes on them to worry about a harmless bit of stick and ball. We are much relieved. The Bushmen (or BBC Bushmen CC to give them their full title) are an old and dear foe to the V&A. We’ve had many a good tussle with them over the years and Saturday’s fixture was another terrific outing. Who doesn’t love a low scoring affair, punctuated by various fly-bys? As we limbered up to take the field, The V&A batting first in this instance, two Apache gunships came thundering up the Stonor Valley a mere 100ft above the wicket. […]
7th September 2020
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V&A vs The Unabombers

Habitually, whenever match report writing has been mentioned, I have avoided any eye contact and skulked off swiftly. V&A are match reports are witty, erudite and full of words you will usually only find in a book written by Adam Jacot; penned by arty types as a vehicle to show off their knowledge of literature and culture – not my bag. No condition is permanent however and following Saturdays game, whilst relaxing over a pint at the Golden Testicle, I was caught completely unawares and mugged by T-Bird. Oozing his abundant charm he fixed me with calculating eyes and asked me if I could write up the match report? He had already posted a curly blond, blue eyed child to cover the only exit and I was in trouble. I blurted that in Trivial Pursuit the Art & Literature cheese was always the one I was struggled to get and […]
2nd September 2020
V&A vs The Refreshers XI, 2020

V&A vs The Refreshers CC

  I never asked to do the match report, but here goes. Nicky’s are bollocks mainly, Jonkers’ impenetrable, NPG talks in riddles. So the bar is pretty low. Jago’s are lovely, by the way. I’ll attempt to get it on the website unedited*. Which is manned by Nick Constantine. Constantine is kit manager, wine manager and website manager. It helps to be clubbable. He had trouble with Ross, leading to a political tête-à-tête. Ross was stressed with two kids and a stressful career, and Nick C wound him up. I was ok with Ross, until I got arsy with him for not keeping wicket well enough, and next week he was gone. I hope he and Megan come back at some point, not least because they made the place wonderful with children and puddings. His dashing backward forward defensive attack is folklore in these parts; his prolific run scoring too, […]
28th August 2020
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V&A vs The Butlers XI

A V&A losing streak, it is said, is about as rare as the sighting of the Great Whyte Stagge of Stonor – at least according to Nick Pritchard-Gordon. “Never seen it before. Probably fable,” he says. I have to say, dear reader, that I am inclined to agree. No win in three weeks, despite teams of considerable talent. Hubris, I think they call that. Regardless, the first game of the annual double-header weekend was a must win and skipper Jonkers drummed up a solid XI. We fancied our chances.  Before the toss, as a brief aside, Jonkers admitted to self that he doesn’t much mind the not winning, unless of course he is captain. On those occasions he cares a great deal. His cries of ‘dicky knee, can’t bowl’ morph into Lionesque roars of appeal for yet another ‘plum’ LBW that hasn’t gone his way. This might explain why, knowing the opposition wanted […]
19th August 2020
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V&A vs Kensington CC

  It might have appeared to onlookers that the recently appointed home of Chiltern cricket had been invaded by a crew of rowers, perhaps they’d taken a wrong turn somewhere en route to Henley and were indeed a month late for the Regatta following a mix-up with the boatman who’d apparently left them boatless and having missed the Stokenchurch exit, sailed on down the M40 towards Birmingham with the trailer. There’s was an outfit (finery) that delighted the nattiest of V&A er’s, including our very own Christiaan Jonkers, Wisden’s best dressed man 2020, as they were floated into converse about fine linens and how much Savile Row tailoring could be squeezed into a pre match uniform. The V&A too had forgotten their paddles.. more on that to come. The Met super-computers were clearly furloughed and so we relished the mizzle, avoiding any meaningful rain. V&A fielding was tighter than tight as Adam, […]
7th August 2020
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V&A vs. Legends XI

  We of the V&A like the Legends XI very much. In recent seasons we’ve erred, somewhat uncharitably, on the stronger side of team selection and made a bit of a mess of their bowling attack. Not so this year! It was a cracking game, full of intrigue, champagne moments, suicidal run-outs, collapses, sixes. It had everything and was greatly supported by the families of both sides, which always adds to the occasion. The V&A won the toss, and invited the opposition to take the field. In the pavilion, whilst Messrs. Tetlow (2) and Turpie (3) got into their work at the top of the inning, discussions were had on the etymology of ‘Stonor’. Many among us pronounce it ‘stoner‘. Naturally, this has nothing to do with Emley and Bowden’s personal habits – it just is what it is. But it has been discovered that plenty pronounce it ‘stonnoor‘, including […]