Match Reports
Match Reports
11th May 2022
There is, I’m told, a pseudo-intellectual argument among classical melomaniacs that not a single piece of music penned between Bach and Stravinsky is worth it’s salt. That discounts Mozart, Beethoven, Schubert (actually that I understand), Wagner, Rachmaninov… the list goes on. Its equivalent in cricket is the immortal adage: ‘Win the toss and bat’. Absolute tosh. We live in the ‘Modern’ era of the chase. But the music line was fed to me at the lunch interval by CPW Jonkers, so there’s no wonder its tosh. ACME have returned to the fold after a brief absence from our fixture card and the season is much the better for it. They, like us, have been around since 1975 and colourful veteran of the V&A, Martin Bowden, has been a talisman in their number for many years. They boast the first mother/daughter cricketing duo to grace the field at Stonor, […]
5th July 2021
Before beginning this report, the author would like to extend his deepest apologies to Messrs. Emley, Jones & Tetlow who have been waiting an entire week to see their names in lights. I beg your collective indulgence. The Royal Household haven’t had a fixture against the V&A for a jolly long time. Traditionally based at Frogmore (Windsor way, near some sort of castle apparently) where opposition are invited to attend (Queenie included, I might add) – it has not been forthcoming. I suspect one of the V&A from days of yore used a fish knife for the salad, or something. However, with the Royal Parks closed to make sure HRH doesn’t catch Covid from the great unwashed, the Household are homeless and it was our pleasure to host them. A timed game had been agreed in advance, a format favoured by traditionalists of the sport who enjoy the nuance […]
29th April 2021
Well the good news is that no one is talking about vectors of disease (or VD, for that matter) this year… sleaze now seems to en vogue: a globular, slimy residue that resides solely within the corridors of power. They’re all far too interested in whether Dominic Cummings will train his beady little eyes on them to worry about a harmless bit of stick and ball. We are much relieved. The Bushmen (or BBC Bushmen CC to give them their full title) are an old and dear foe to the V&A. We’ve had many a good tussle with them over the years and Saturday’s fixture was another terrific outing. Who doesn’t love a low scoring affair, punctuated by various fly-bys? As we limbered up to take the field, The V&A batting first in this instance, two Apache gunships came thundering up the Stonor Valley a mere 100ft above the wicket. […]
7th September 2020
Habitually, whenever match report writing has been mentioned, I have avoided any eye contact and skulked off swiftly. V&A are match reports are witty, erudite and full of words you will usually only find in a book written by Adam Jacot; penned by arty types as a vehicle to show off their knowledge of literature and culture – not my bag. No condition is permanent however and following Saturdays game, whilst relaxing over a pint at the Golden Testicle, I was caught completely unawares and mugged by T-Bird. Oozing his abundant charm he fixed me with calculating eyes and asked me if I could write up the match report? He had already posted a curly blond, blue eyed child to cover the only exit and I was in trouble. I blurted that in Trivial Pursuit the Art & Literature cheese was always the one I was struggled to get and […]
2nd September 2020
I never asked to do the match report, but here goes. Nicky’s are bollocks mainly, Jonkers’ impenetrable, NPG talks in riddles. So the bar is pretty low. Jago’s are lovely, by the way. I’ll attempt to get it on the website unedited*. Which is manned by Nick Constantine. Constantine is kit manager, wine manager and website manager. It helps to be clubbable. He had trouble with Ross, leading to a political tête-à-tête. Ross was stressed with two kids and a stressful career, and Nick C wound him up. I was ok with Ross, until I got arsy with him for not keeping wicket well enough, and next week he was gone. I hope he and Megan come back at some point, not least because they made the place wonderful with children and puddings. His dashing backward forward defensive attack is folklore in these parts; his prolific run scoring too, […]
28th August 2020
A V&A losing streak, it is said, is about as rare as the sighting of the Great Whyte Stagge of Stonor – at least according to Nick Pritchard-Gordon. “Never seen it before. Probably fable,” he says. I have to say, dear reader, that I am inclined to agree. No win in three weeks, despite teams of considerable talent. Hubris, I think they call that. Regardless, the first game of the annual double-header weekend was a must win and skipper Jonkers drummed up a solid XI. We fancied our chances. Before the toss, as a brief aside, Jonkers admitted to self that he doesn’t much mind the not winning, unless of course he is captain. On those occasions he cares a great deal. His cries of ‘dicky knee, can’t bowl’ morph into Lionesque roars of appeal for yet another ‘plum’ LBW that hasn’t gone his way. This might explain why, knowing the opposition wanted […]
19th August 2020
It might have appeared to onlookers that the recently appointed home of Chiltern cricket had been invaded by a crew of rowers, perhaps they’d taken a wrong turn somewhere en route to Henley and were indeed a month late for the Regatta following a mix-up with the boatman who’d apparently left them boatless and having missed the Stokenchurch exit, sailed on down the M40 towards Birmingham with the trailer. There’s was an outfit (finery) that delighted the nattiest of V&A er’s, including our very own Christiaan Jonkers, Wisden’s best dressed man 2020, as they were floated into converse about fine linens and how much Savile Row tailoring could be squeezed into a pre match uniform. The V&A too had forgotten their paddles.. more on that to come. The Met super-computers were clearly furloughed and so we relished the mizzle, avoiding any meaningful rain. V&A fielding was tighter than tight as Adam, […]
7th August 2020
We of the V&A like the Legends XI very much. In recent seasons we’ve erred, somewhat uncharitably, on the stronger side of team selection and made a bit of a mess of their bowling attack. Not so this year! It was a cracking game, full of intrigue, champagne moments, suicidal run-outs, collapses, sixes. It had everything and was greatly supported by the families of both sides, which always adds to the occasion. The V&A won the toss, and invited the opposition to take the field. In the pavilion, whilst Messrs. Tetlow (2) and Turpie (3) got into their work at the top of the inning, discussions were had on the etymology of ‘Stonor’. Many among us pronounce it ‘stoner‘. Naturally, this has nothing to do with Emley and Bowden’s personal habits – it just is what it is. But it has been discovered that plenty pronounce it ‘stonnoor‘, including […]
22nd July 2020
After some murmurings in the week about The Cricketers Club of London having gone cold, it transpired by Friday their fixture secretary was, in fact, dead. Over in W11, our very own match manager and captain, Lachlan Nieboer, had been neutered by some virtual auditioning in his bedsit. Fortunately, the Authors had also lost their game that Saturday and following a few late evening sweet nothings to his beloved biographer, Charlie Campbell, the cats were herded to a sunny Stonor for 11:30. On arrival, and in the bohemian absence of any coinage, we demanded to bat first and give our talented line-up a chance of putting on a show. Emley duly obliged. Having completed 8 balls in the nets and a cigarette, he was snaffled behind – out for a royal duck. That brought Derewlany to the crease. Overcompensating for something with his new willow, he joined opener Marsh […]
16th July 2020
Cricket appears to be the sacrificial lamb of sport in the modern age. Preference is given to footer, above all else, and the whole ‘vector of disease’ nonsense has done real damage to the chances of Boris Johnson retaining his status as Vice-President of the club. I bet there’s a lot more VD among footer players, and even politicians, than cricketers – we keep ourselves nice, even in the grips of a global pandemic. Don’t believe me? Just look at how manicured Mr. Jonkers’ beard is. He also wears a blazer on match day. It was bloody good to be back and even better to do it against one of our more cherished opposition XI’s. The V&A have a long and occasionally feisty history with the Jags (last season’s fixture was one of the greats!) and they’re always up for it. Or at least seven of them were. At the […]