Match Reports
Match Reports
8th June 2024
Given the fact that the V&A has, finally, entered the 21st Century and begun using a WhatsApp ‘Noticeboard’ for weekly selection (the metrics of which I had to explain to Jacot, Jonkers and Bird Snr.) you might be forgiven for thinking that we are in danger of becoming a ‘modern’ cricket club. You would be entirely mistaken. Jonkers still wears flannels and uses his silk tie as a cummerbund, like some regimental pre-partition sahib. He also fields in round, tortoise-shell spectacles; he assures me that this is purely for aesthetic reasons. One of our number was partially responsible for The Hundred, but he issued an apology and has been forgiven. Nicky Bird’s humour roots him firmly in the 1890s. We aren’t modern because we do still, albeit rarely, play that rarest form of cricket: the timed game. Do people understand it? Not anymore. Does that matter? Not unless you’re […]
25th May 2023
Summer seems to have finally arrived at Stonor. The smell of freshly mown grass has replaced the heavy, damp air that has blighted the early season and the wicket is beginning to lose its evergreen hue. There was, and I hope you can believe this, sunshine! I don’t know who is bribing who up there – but keep it going. The Ageing Rock Stars XI (ARSE, for short, as they were all very keen to point out) are an assemblage of the Old Wimbledonians who are ‘even older’ apparently. I shan’t pass judgement on the age bit, but I didn’t spot any rockstars of note. But I am young and ignorant of these things. Would I recognise a member of Status Quo in the street? No. But their keeper was a dead ringer for Phil Collins. Skipper Tetlow lost the toss and we were stuck in the field for […]
3rd May 2023
Despite it being April, this ought to have been our third game of the season. We were due to play last weekend but the weather and people’s diaries proved insurmountable for both us and the opposition. There was a game three weekends ago, ably formed by Chris Mounsey-Thear which appears to have defied all odds and produced an enjoyable afternoon of rather muddy cricket. Thankfully, the sun shone on Saturday last and we had an extraordinarily close game that came down to the very final ball at 6PM. The Battersea Badgers are old hands at Stonor these days and it was a pleasure to welcome them for what is now their sixth season playing against us. They’re a lovely bunch, without many ties to Battersea and with absolutely no ties to badgers, badgering or anything else of that sort, despite what Nicky Bird might tell certain bureaucrats at The […]
10th June 2022
Last week is almost always my favourite of the English sporting summer for several reasons. Many of our number were at the first or second day of the Lord’s Test Match (as, for that matter, were many of the opposition) and Joe Tetlow even went back on Sunday to watch Rooty do his thaaang and for England to hunt down that rarest of beasts: Victory, from the gnashing jaws of defeat. The other reason it’s a firm favourite is that The Townies & Country Folk XI are such a joy to spend the day with. We’ve touched gloves with some rum coves this season, but faith has been restored thanks to George Winters and his band of Merry Men (quite literally). It was pissing it down when we arrived at Stonor. Pete & Tom of the Townies were early-ish and huddling for cover under the pavilion. I noted […]
2nd June 2022
In conversation with a possible new recruit to the cause this week I was pressed to describe what sort of cricket we play. ‘Languorous’ sprang to mind, which is about all one can reasonably expect from the sort of waifs, strays and aesthetes that we have tempted to the Stonor Valley in years gone by. An air of disdain for responsibility, blended with the faintest whiff of Tiggerish insouciance are all that is required to pass muster. Cricket as escapism is, I wager, why we’re all really here. Joe Tetlow escapes his weekly dose of Lefty socialism, courtesy of Green Alliance. Christiaan Jonkers escapes the workmen who toil away on his new East Wing. Nicky Bird, I suspect, escapes the police. Whatever the motivations for playing, the one thing that is for certain is that it isn’t about the result at all. Except, of course, that it absolutely is. […]
11th May 2022
There is, I’m told, a pseudo-intellectual argument among classical melomaniacs that not a single piece of music penned between Bach and Stravinsky is worth it’s salt. That discounts Mozart, Beethoven, Schubert (actually that I understand), Wagner, Rachmaninov… the list goes on. Its equivalent in cricket is the immortal adage: ‘Win the toss and bat’. Absolute tosh. We live in the ‘Modern’ era of the chase. But the music line was fed to me at the lunch interval by CPW Jonkers, so there’s no wonder its tosh. ACME have returned to the fold after a brief absence from our fixture card and the season is much the better for it. They, like us, have been around since 1975 and colourful veteran of the V&A, Martin Bowden, has been a talisman in their number for many years. They boast the first mother/daughter cricketing duo to grace the field at Stonor, […]
5th July 2021
Before beginning this report, the author would like to extend his deepest apologies to Messrs. Emley, Jones & Tetlow who have been waiting an entire week to see their names in lights. I beg your collective indulgence. The Royal Household haven’t had a fixture against the V&A for a jolly long time. Traditionally based at Frogmore (Windsor way, near some sort of castle apparently) where opposition are invited to attend (Queenie included, I might add) – it has not been forthcoming. I suspect one of the V&A from days of yore used a fish knife for the salad, or something. However, with the Royal Parks closed to make sure HRH doesn’t catch Covid from the great unwashed, the Household are homeless and it was our pleasure to host them. A timed game had been agreed in advance, a format favoured by traditionalists of the sport who enjoy the nuance […]
29th April 2021
Well the good news is that no one is talking about vectors of disease (or VD, for that matter) this year… sleaze now seems to en vogue: a globular, slimy residue that resides solely within the corridors of power. They’re all far too interested in whether Dominic Cummings will train his beady little eyes on them to worry about a harmless bit of stick and ball. We are much relieved. The Bushmen (or BBC Bushmen CC to give them their full title) are an old and dear foe to the V&A. We’ve had many a good tussle with them over the years and Saturday’s fixture was another terrific outing. Who doesn’t love a low scoring affair, punctuated by various fly-bys? As we limbered up to take the field, The V&A batting first in this instance, two Apache gunships came thundering up the Stonor Valley a mere 100ft above the wicket. […]
28th August 2020
A V&A losing streak, it is said, is about as rare as the sighting of the Great Whyte Stagge of Stonor – at least according to Nick Pritchard-Gordon. “Never seen it before. Probably fable,” he says. I have to say, dear reader, that I am inclined to agree. No win in three weeks, despite teams of considerable talent. Hubris, I think they call that. Regardless, the first game of the annual double-header weekend was a must win and skipper Jonkers drummed up a solid XI. We fancied our chances. Before the toss, as a brief aside, Jonkers admitted to self that he doesn’t much mind the not winning, unless of course he is captain. On those occasions he cares a great deal. His cries of ‘dicky knee, can’t bowl’ morph into Lionesque roars of appeal for yet another ‘plum’ LBW that hasn’t gone his way. This might explain why, knowing the opposition wanted […]
7th August 2020
We of the V&A like the Legends XI very much. In recent seasons we’ve erred, somewhat uncharitably, on the stronger side of team selection and made a bit of a mess of their bowling attack. Not so this year! It was a cracking game, full of intrigue, champagne moments, suicidal run-outs, collapses, sixes. It had everything and was greatly supported by the families of both sides, which always adds to the occasion. The V&A won the toss, and invited the opposition to take the field. In the pavilion, whilst Messrs. Tetlow (2) and Turpie (3) got into their work at the top of the inning, discussions were had on the etymology of ‘Stonor’. Many among us pronounce it ‘stoner‘. Naturally, this has nothing to do with Emley and Bowden’s personal habits – it just is what it is. But it has been discovered that plenty pronounce it ‘stonnoor‘, including […]