Match Reports
Match Reports
19th October 2020
V&A CRICKET 2020 – END OF TERM REPORT BY THE CHAIRMAN, NICKY BIRD COVID WREAKED HAVOC WITH THE FIXTURES but we had half a season, which the Stonor chaps thought impossible in early July, and so did not waste money and energy preparing a strip or the outfield. Worms enjoyed themselves, bunnies too. I came for a picnic at the pavilion at that time and the pitch was a field, seemingly returned to nature and poppies and clover and birds. It was desolate; no walkers about, not even Lachlan camping in the environs with his primer stove and pocket edition of Aeschylus. I wrote to the Telegraph pointing out the absurdity of cricket being banned while netball and outdoor gym was allowed. The crap about a cricket ball being a ‘vector’ was palpable nonsense (and so it proved). Boris read my letter and relented. Stonor worked miracles to return […]
25th September 2020
In the car, Nicky Bird chuntered on about how courtroom TV dramas fail to get the details right. Misuse of a gavel, no delineation between barrister and solicitor, a high court judge peering down from the bench at a shoplifter’s first hearing. It’s either a mistake, or they just can’t be bothered, he said. Against a growing tide of shortcuts and bitesize, there is a need for sticklers, like Nicky, to stand up and say “no, we’re not avin it guv”. In much the same way, long-form cricket on a Saturday in Stonor, is a tradition to be treasured and defended. It’s a holy grail. And as our Christiaan relic rightly pointed out (when their umpire enquired whether a ‘no-ball’ resulted in a ‘free hit’): “No!…this is PROPER cricket”. We were playing the GTs (see Phil Goodliffe’s email for background and more), captained by an amiable fellow in Miles Martin. […]
14th September 2020
I gave Nick Derewlany a lift down to Stonor. He was unhungover which always surprises. We talked of the holocaust and the banality of evil, and then moved to weighty things like Brentford missing out on promotion. Nick’s family came from Lvov, a great mistake as it was on the old Polish/Russian border and bang in the way of Stalin’s tanks going west and Hitler’s going east. Droitwich is a safer bet. And the B4090 going through Droitwich has temporary traffic lights so it’s not ideal tank country. It was a gorgeous sunny day at Stonor. Two new players graced us: Owen Gundry and his 13-year-old son Otto. Otto bowls very nicely and will be a good bat. Owen is a set designer and designed the set for Jonathan Ross’s new show. But nobody’s perfect. Adam writes for airline magazines. You have to accept work where you can. Jonkers runs […]
7th September 2020
Habitually, whenever match report writing has been mentioned, I have avoided any eye contact and skulked off swiftly. V&A are match reports are witty, erudite and full of words you will usually only find in a book written by Adam Jacot; penned by arty types as a vehicle to show off their knowledge of literature and culture – not my bag. No condition is permanent however and following Saturdays game, whilst relaxing over a pint at the Golden Testicle, I was caught completely unawares and mugged by T-Bird. Oozing his abundant charm he fixed me with calculating eyes and asked me if I could write up the match report? He had already posted a curly blond, blue eyed child to cover the only exit and I was in trouble. I blurted that in Trivial Pursuit the Art & Literature cheese was always the one I was struggled to get and […]
2nd September 2020
I never asked to do the match report, but here goes. Nicky’s are bollocks mainly, Jonkers’ impenetrable, NPG talks in riddles. So the bar is pretty low. Jago’s are lovely, by the way. I’ll attempt to get it on the website unedited*. Which is manned by Nick Constantine. Constantine is kit manager, wine manager and website manager. It helps to be clubbable. He had trouble with Ross, leading to a political tête-à-tête. Ross was stressed with two kids and a stressful career, and Nick C wound him up. I was ok with Ross, until I got arsy with him for not keeping wicket well enough, and next week he was gone. I hope he and Megan come back at some point, not least because they made the place wonderful with children and puddings. His dashing backward forward defensive attack is folklore in these parts; his prolific run scoring too, […]
28th August 2020
A V&A losing streak, it is said, is about as rare as the sighting of the Great Whyte Stagge of Stonor – at least according to Nick Pritchard-Gordon. “Never seen it before. Probably fable,” he says. I have to say, dear reader, that I am inclined to agree. No win in three weeks, despite teams of considerable talent. Hubris, I think they call that. Regardless, the first game of the annual double-header weekend was a must win and skipper Jonkers drummed up a solid XI. We fancied our chances. Before the toss, as a brief aside, Jonkers admitted to self that he doesn’t much mind the not winning, unless of course he is captain. On those occasions he cares a great deal. His cries of ‘dicky knee, can’t bowl’ morph into Lionesque roars of appeal for yet another ‘plum’ LBW that hasn’t gone his way. This might explain why, knowing the opposition wanted […]
25th August 2020
Stonor Park, 23rd August 2020 Adam Jacot did a magnificent job in securing 11 good(ish) men for this crucial fixture against our hosts, Stonor CC. He also recruited a few for Saturday’s game. He proved those who doubted his organisational genius (me) wrong. We saw the return of noted all-rounder and economist Richard Woolhouse. He – and John Langley of the National Theatre who came to spectate – raise the tone, often lowered by the lumpenproletariat of Wargrave who make up our numbers. Langley talked of Pinter, whom he played cricket with – so much more edifying than the previous day’s banter about penile dysfunction. Stonor are our hosts and we are indebted to them for playing in such idyllic surroundings. So diplomacy suggests we should lose with grace (but not deliberately) in an exciting finish. There should be no vulgar appealing, no argy-bargy. With Christiaan Jonkers and his beard […]
19th August 2020
It might have appeared to onlookers that the recently appointed home of Chiltern cricket had been invaded by a crew of rowers, perhaps they’d taken a wrong turn somewhere en route to Henley and were indeed a month late for the Regatta following a mix-up with the boatman who’d apparently left them boatless and having missed the Stokenchurch exit, sailed on down the M40 towards Birmingham with the trailer. There’s was an outfit (finery) that delighted the nattiest of V&A er’s, including our very own Christiaan Jonkers, Wisden’s best dressed man 2020, as they were floated into converse about fine linens and how much Savile Row tailoring could be squeezed into a pre match uniform. The V&A too had forgotten their paddles.. more on that to come. The Met super-computers were clearly furloughed and so we relished the mizzle, avoiding any meaningful rain. V&A fielding was tighter than tight as Adam, […]
11th August 2020
The Townies have been playing us for about 15 years. The connection is Sarah Jenkins, who sold her Cornwall house to the Winters family – George Winters is the Townies’ founder. They used to come with a collection of WAGS but now, as Adam Knight commented, they are more Ws than Gs, and they have 2.8 children apiece plus 4X4s. They make a jolly crowd and their picnic lunches looked better than mine (a BLT without the L or, as it turned out, the B). Lachlan’s lunch is top-of-the-range, a colour supplement melange of goodies, healthy green stuff with some exotic kernels from a banyang tree or something. No wonder he is super fit and bowls at 80 mph. Someone said he is the thinking woman’s thesp. But he is more than that. He can bat too, and with intelligence; some of us are a bit too cavalier. Incidentally, […]
7th August 2020
We of the V&A like the Legends XI very much. In recent seasons we’ve erred, somewhat uncharitably, on the stronger side of team selection and made a bit of a mess of their bowling attack. Not so this year! It was a cracking game, full of intrigue, champagne moments, suicidal run-outs, collapses, sixes. It had everything and was greatly supported by the families of both sides, which always adds to the occasion. The V&A won the toss, and invited the opposition to take the field. In the pavilion, whilst Messrs. Tetlow (2) and Turpie (3) got into their work at the top of the inning, discussions were had on the etymology of ‘Stonor’. Many among us pronounce it ‘stoner‘. Naturally, this has nothing to do with Emley and Bowden’s personal habits – it just is what it is. But it has been discovered that plenty pronounce it ‘stonnoor‘, including […]