Match Reports
Match Reports
19th October 2020
V&A CRICKET 2020 – END OF TERM REPORT BY THE CHAIRMAN, NICKY BIRD COVID WREAKED HAVOC WITH THE FIXTURES but we had half a season, which the Stonor chaps thought impossible in early July, and so did not waste money and energy preparing a strip or the outfield. Worms enjoyed themselves, bunnies too. I came for a picnic at the pavilion at that time and the pitch was a field, seemingly returned to nature and poppies and clover and birds. It was desolate; no walkers about, not even Lachlan camping in the environs with his primer stove and pocket edition of Aeschylus. I wrote to the Telegraph pointing out the absurdity of cricket being banned while netball and outdoor gym was allowed. The crap about a cricket ball being a ‘vector’ was palpable nonsense (and so it proved). Boris read my letter and relented. Stonor worked miracles to return […]
25th September 2020
In the car, Nicky Bird chuntered on about how courtroom TV dramas fail to get the details right. Misuse of a gavel, no delineation between barrister and solicitor, a high court judge peering down from the bench at a shoplifter’s first hearing. It’s either a mistake, or they just can’t be bothered, he said. Against a growing tide of shortcuts and bitesize, there is a need for sticklers, like Nicky, to stand up and say “no, we’re not avin it guv”. In much the same way, long-form cricket on a Saturday in Stonor, is a tradition to be treasured and defended. It’s a holy grail. And as our Christiaan relic rightly pointed out (when their umpire enquired whether a ‘no-ball’ resulted in a ‘free hit’): “No!…this is PROPER cricket”. We were playing the GTs (see Phil Goodliffe’s email for background and more), captained by an amiable fellow in Miles Martin. […]
7th September 2020
Habitually, whenever match report writing has been mentioned, I have avoided any eye contact and skulked off swiftly. V&A are match reports are witty, erudite and full of words you will usually only find in a book written by Adam Jacot; penned by arty types as a vehicle to show off their knowledge of literature and culture – not my bag. No condition is permanent however and following Saturdays game, whilst relaxing over a pint at the Golden Testicle, I was caught completely unawares and mugged by T-Bird. Oozing his abundant charm he fixed me with calculating eyes and asked me if I could write up the match report? He had already posted a curly blond, blue eyed child to cover the only exit and I was in trouble. I blurted that in Trivial Pursuit the Art & Literature cheese was always the one I was struggled to get and […]
28th August 2020
A V&A losing streak, it is said, is about as rare as the sighting of the Great Whyte Stagge of Stonor – at least according to Nick Pritchard-Gordon. “Never seen it before. Probably fable,” he says. I have to say, dear reader, that I am inclined to agree. No win in three weeks, despite teams of considerable talent. Hubris, I think they call that. Regardless, the first game of the annual double-header weekend was a must win and skipper Jonkers drummed up a solid XI. We fancied our chances. Before the toss, as a brief aside, Jonkers admitted to self that he doesn’t much mind the not winning, unless of course he is captain. On those occasions he cares a great deal. His cries of ‘dicky knee, can’t bowl’ morph into Lionesque roars of appeal for yet another ‘plum’ LBW that hasn’t gone his way. This might explain why, knowing the opposition wanted […]
25th August 2020
Stonor Park, 23rd August 2020 Adam Jacot did a magnificent job in securing 11 good(ish) men for this crucial fixture against our hosts, Stonor CC. He also recruited a few for Saturday’s game. He proved those who doubted his organisational genius (me) wrong. We saw the return of noted all-rounder and economist Richard Woolhouse. He – and John Langley of the National Theatre who came to spectate – raise the tone, often lowered by the lumpenproletariat of Wargrave who make up our numbers. Langley talked of Pinter, whom he played cricket with – so much more edifying than the previous day’s banter about penile dysfunction. Stonor are our hosts and we are indebted to them for playing in such idyllic surroundings. So diplomacy suggests we should lose with grace (but not deliberately) in an exciting finish. There should be no vulgar appealing, no argy-bargy. With Christiaan Jonkers and his beard […]
7th August 2020
We of the V&A like the Legends XI very much. In recent seasons we’ve erred, somewhat uncharitably, on the stronger side of team selection and made a bit of a mess of their bowling attack. Not so this year! It was a cracking game, full of intrigue, champagne moments, suicidal run-outs, collapses, sixes. It had everything and was greatly supported by the families of both sides, which always adds to the occasion. The V&A won the toss, and invited the opposition to take the field. In the pavilion, whilst Messrs. Tetlow (2) and Turpie (3) got into their work at the top of the inning, discussions were had on the etymology of ‘Stonor’. Many among us pronounce it ‘stoner‘. Naturally, this has nothing to do with Emley and Bowden’s personal habits – it just is what it is. But it has been discovered that plenty pronounce it ‘stonnoor‘, including […]
22nd July 2020
After some murmurings in the week about The Cricketers Club of London having gone cold, it transpired by Friday their fixture secretary was, in fact, dead. Over in W11, our very own match manager and captain, Lachlan Nieboer, had been neutered by some virtual auditioning in his bedsit. Fortunately, the Authors had also lost their game that Saturday and following a few late evening sweet nothings to his beloved biographer, Charlie Campbell, the cats were herded to a sunny Stonor for 11:30. On arrival, and in the bohemian absence of any coinage, we demanded to bat first and give our talented line-up a chance of putting on a show. Emley duly obliged. Having completed 8 balls in the nets and a cigarette, he was snaffled behind – out for a royal duck. That brought Derewlany to the crease. Overcompensating for something with his new willow, he joined opener Marsh […]