Match Reports
Match Reports
25th August 2024
Tom Bird said arrive to start play at 1pm sharp, which was either a mistake or a lie to get Jonkers to turn up on time. Embarrassing ourselves with poor timekeeping against our Stonor CC hosts was the least of our worries, though. A ramshackle X1 at the best of times, our bank holiday Sunday outfit was a mixture of those who had never played cricket together and those who looked like they had never played cricket. That said, we started well, with Jasper sporting a large brown Surrey hat, leaning his full weight into the new ball and walking ferociously between the wickets as the ball continuously threatened the moist boundary. His partner, Rory, took kindly to some early (or late) buffet, making up for the lack of customery Saturday lunch, plonking the ball into the parked cars. He was out going for one too many, bringing Ed Shepherdson […]
6th July 2024
The forecast was poor. England were playing in the European Championships at 5pm. When Lachlan pulled out in mid week, due to a bad back (which he didn’t want anyone to know about), I thought “here we go”. But actually, very few V&A players take any interest in football. In fact, Christiaan despises it. “Ah, we’re suffering a pincer movement on the cricket owing to bad weather and the footy, are we?” he guffawed in the changing rooms. We were going to have to play. The pitch squelched underfoot and there were puddles on the square, but the beauty of the hallowed turf at Stonor is it dries fucking quickly. A tactical early lunch was called and an afternoon T25 was agreed with Alistair Metcalfe (skipper of A Few Good Men). Lunch was an assortment of beef, salami, sausage rolls, hard boiled eggs, potato salad, tomato salad, but no booze […]
13th June 2023
Eventually we corralled a motley crew and the game was on. We tossed up, and the Bandits won the toss, but we got to bat anyway. Batting wasn’t our strongest suit on the day, so it was good to bat first. And it was also cooler at 11:30am than it promised to be by mid-afternoon Opening up was Tom Bird and Jasper Arnold. Jasper hit some penetrating shots through the offside, punishing the ball to the rope with his new bat. Jasper spends most of his time out of his crease, and it was perhaps his unusual approach to running between the wickets that did for Tom Bird, who was caught short of his ground early on. In at number three was Tetlow Snr. He was a very good batsmen in his day and played for Lancashire schoolboys, but not for his leg-spin which featured heavily in local car parks. […]
16th May 2023
Howitzers couldn’t play so it was the London Desperados on this dank draughty day. The Met Office had promised 19 degrees celsius and sunshine (enough for the second jumper, often required at the bookend, to be removed from the cricket bag). Error. The pitch, though, was as dry as could be hoped, on inspection. The outfield was well cut; the wind lifting the grass cuttings slightly at the boundary’s edge. An affable bunch, the opposition enquired about wifi and 3G, 4G, and 5G. They wanted to livestream the game to YouTube for some reason. Nicky wished them luck, turned to me, and pointed to a toothpaste stain on his green jacket: “See that Tetters? That’s cum”. We do worry about his health. Rob Taylor was captain. He lost the toss and we fielded first. Lachlan was fashionably late, so Jonkers opened down the hill (filmed by the Desperados camera tower […]
26th September 2022
The season crescendo was won by the All Sorts. They had no Jacot’s this year (Louis or Simon), which was an early morale boost. Louis scored a century against us recently. Simon was a good wicket keeper, according to Annette, his mother. He’s retired from cricket apparently, because he can’t play like he used to. Meanwhile, Adam Jacot, of course, is entering his prime. His girlfriend, Emma, is living proof, and catered on the day. Our caterers could themselves be called the “All Sorts”, particularly Emma, and Sarah Jenkins. The urban dictionary will tell you more, though copies won’t be found at Jonkers Rare Books. Nicky, also a caterer – but not in the same league, bought Emma a bouquet of flowers for her troubles. Tesco’s floristry offer is much improved these days. Sarah Jenkins, having only received a soiled tea towel for the same travails across a season, was […]
7th July 2022
The original fixture, Top Knockers, pulled out. So we had a rematch against Star CC. Star CC are a great bunch and have saved us on a few occasions now, coming over from east London at the last hour. Even better, they reliably provide a full service, letting us win too. The last fixture, in June, was won by the V&A, with Jonkers taking 3 wickets including 2 in 2 balls at the last, with Star needing only one run to draw. We had almost been defeated and needed to be at our best. Tom Bird was skip and we bowled first, which is something of a novelty this year. Lachlan chose the Henley end and bowled with the wind, sending 4 overs down for 8 runs, most of which were overthrows. Adam Knight, 6 overs for 22, found a good length. The scoreboard barely moved. Derewlany was behind the […]
20th June 2022
Lachlan was skipper and not in a good mood. For an actor, I think he would make a poor poker player. He was stressed because his father was coming to watch (the first time in 20 years), and admitted as much. We were playing the Chelsea Arts Club, one of our oldest fixtures. Jack NB, their former captain, has a loud dog which belies its size and is almost as badly behaved as Sarah Jenkins’ hound, which is saying something. Sarah was away, as was Nicky Bird. Jasper Arnold, who is traditionally a CAC player, but has played for the V&A on occasion, provided the catering (courtesy of his mother). Traditional buffet style, with lots of pork pies, a nod to his off-spin. A declaration game was agreed, with a maximum of 20 overs after 5:30PM. We batted first and got off to a strong start, hitting 50 off the […]
18th May 2022
Digging into the archives, Rupert Morris wrote this in 2018: “The Nomads are a serious team, who have been going for more than a century and include several former first-class or professional cricketers…they have several overseas tours every year. Dennis de Caires arranged this fixture before his departure for Barbados, and warned Ross that he would have to pick a powerful team.” It’s amazing how times change, and how quickly. Rupert is now retired in France, Dennis in Barbados, and Ross in the wilderness. Lachlan is 40. The Nomads remain a serious team. If no longer bristling with ex-pros, they are a wily looking outfit, sporting various club cricket tops and furrowed brows. They include, according to N Bird, a delightful chairman in Michael Blumberg. A timed game was agreed, with 20 overs after 5:30pm. They were put into the field on a glorious and cloudless day. The V&A is […]
30th April 2022
Match reports are tricky. The rules are to be complimentary of the opposition; the tea lady; Stonor CC; and to say whatever you like about your teammates. The outstanding player on the day is usually exempt from writing them, for fear they will do their triumph a disservice, either by underplaying or overstating their contribution. Lachlan rarely gets offered the job. It is best left to someone who is a) reliably going to write the match report, and b) is worth reading. Hearing impediment, blindness and memory loss are no barrier, as Nicky Bird can attest to. Ollie Marsh was meant to be writing this report, but he’s an accountant by trade, so it wouldn’t have been worth his time or ours (especially when we already have a scorebook). If it’s any consolation to Ollie, if not the expectant V&A, Jonkers still hasn’t filed his match report for […]
24th September 2021
V&A PLAYERS: A. JACOT, J. TETLOW, A. JONES, C. MOUNSEY-THEAR, C. JONKERS [SKIP], R. TAYLOR, OWEN GRUNDY, OTTO GRUNDY, V. GRANTHAM Nicky was away at the Duxford Air Show, commemorating the Battle of Britain, so we had no 12th man, or tea lady. In fact, we only had nine players, and significantly less when you take fundamentals like cricketing ability into account. The opposition were the Refreshers CC. They are a team of barristers (and some paralegals, as it transpired). “Paralegal” sounds exciting, but it is not. Court sitting hours in England and Wales are civilised: a 10:30 start, one hour for lunch, and a 4:30 finish. The Refreshers were keen to emulate that schedule on Saturday, arriving promptly, whereas the V&A are a ramshackle bunch of booksellers, potters and drunks. Not quorate at midday, we agreed to bat first. Dr Grantham and Tetlow obliged, trudging to the middle and scoring at a turgid three […]