Match Reports
Match Reports
30th December 2022
On arrival, Nicky Bird was leaning on the bar at the City Barge in Chiswick, like a Whykamist Del Boy Trotter, spinning yarn and selling stories. The rugby (England v New Zealand) wasn’t on the TV, so a Bird broadcast sufficed as mild entertainment; politics sprinkled with smut, as usual, and that was just his take on Liz Truss. She had apparently made a pass at Andy Fraser in a cab once, and he demurred, which Nicky struggled to believe; not because Liz is “top of the range”, but Andy has “never knowingly turned down anyone”. Truss’ successor, Rishi Sunak, went to Winchester College. “£45,000 a year to board, a rowing club, and a rifle club!” Sir Keir hurled at the despatch box recently. It also produced Nicky Bird esq, which would’ve been my line of attack. The awards ceremony this year was complimented by a wine tasting, port challenge, […]
27th September 2022
The 2022 SEASON was notable for an amazing number of exciting finishes, which weren’t contrived. The most memorable ending was in the second game of our Cambridge tour, against Mark Braid’s XI. Joe Tetlow needed to hit 10 off the last two balls. He hit two sixes. The bowler was their opener, the deliveries were good. As an aside, few remember the bloke at the other end when something dramatic happens. Who was batting with Bradman when the Don was bowled for a duck by Hollies in his last test? Arthur Morris, who went on to make 196. Who was batting with Tetlow? Bird N. We saw some bright young talent who we must nurture, with bribes or fine wine. Niam Scott-Ram, Aubrey Bamber, Otto Gundry, Theo Grantham and Alex Pitlarge for example. Charlie Hunt, who shone for us briefly, is too good and plays proper cricket for Turville or […]
26th September 2022
The season crescendo was won by the All Sorts. They had no Jacot’s this year (Louis or Simon), which was an early morale boost. Louis scored a century against us recently. Simon was a good wicket keeper, according to Annette, his mother. He’s retired from cricket apparently, because he can’t play like he used to. Meanwhile, Adam Jacot, of course, is entering his prime. His girlfriend, Emma, is living proof, and catered on the day. Our caterers could themselves be called the “All Sorts”, particularly Emma, and Sarah Jenkins. The urban dictionary will tell you more, though copies won’t be found at Jonkers Rare Books. Nicky, also a caterer – but not in the same league, bought Emma a bouquet of flowers for her troubles. Tesco’s floristry offer is much improved these days. Sarah Jenkins, having only received a soiled tea towel for the same travails across a season, was […]
18th September 2022
THE QUEEN was Lying in State as we played and the queues to Westminster Hall stretched back to Berkshire. There were queues to get in the queue. Were we guilty of lèse-majesté by playing? David Beckham probably thought so; unlike your run-of-the-mill royal or president, he joined the queue – possibly to show his man-of-the-people credentials in a last bid for a gong. But a Scottish actor (or ‘moron’) claimed the coffin was empty and the body had been secreted elsewhere for ‘security reasons’. Someone suggested she might be in the locked container behind the pavilion at Stonor; but the lock didn’t prevent the mower being nicked so this was thought unlikely. It was a sunny day but cold. Beautifully green. Joe Tetlow had worked hard to get a decent team together. I gave him a lift. There was something strange about him. He was unhungover. He talked sense. We […]
7th September 2022
Chris M-T did everything in this 35-over game. He raised the team, captained, catered. And he did everything with his customary tact and aplomb. You don’t get histrionics from a top PR man. And, said Christiaan, ‘he captained very astutely.’ A bowling change was key. No man is a hero to his valet but that is the valet’s fault. Mrs. M-T may not appreciate the jewel she lives with, the beauty of his bowling and run-up, his roast pork, his massive hook. The track was green but the ground was still brown. Around 12.30 it pissed down but stopped and then was dry. Batting was easier in the afternoon but we batted first, opening with young Leo Nieboer (nephew of the more famous Lachlan) and an old Jags mate of Chris M-T’s, a super batsman, Nick Scott-Dalgliesh. The bowling was good(ish) but the batsmen were soon 50 for no wicket, […]
29th August 2022
V&A v HOWITZERS, and MARK BRAID X1 SAT. AUG. 27 and SUN. AUG. 28 CONINGTON, CAMBS. A double header with a team much like ourselves, but rather more virile I thought, more manly, more Adam Knight than Adam Jacot. They had a rotund bloke who played league cricket (very strong in these parts) and smacked a half-century with ease, and then bowled without wheezing despite carrying the evidence of the good life. Very nice people, very chivalrous and if they kept up a barrage of banter in the field it was directed at their own incompetents rather than ours. Our incompetents were in evidence. The ground is lovely, the pinnacles of Conington’s magnificent church soar above the trees. Mark Braid, our host and a wine chum of Tom Bird, bought the Georgian manor house a few years ago and runs the Howitzers (originally a pub quiz team) who play on […]
22nd August 2022
We’ve been playing at Stonor for about 35 years, and playing the village almost as long. Our hosts deserve respect. At the annual Stonor quiz in the pavilion, I always suggest it would be less bumptious if the V&A came second; but clever dicks like Jonkers and Vin ignore diplomacy and keep getting the answers right. When we had the brilliant all-rounder Vib Fonseka, the V&A would thrash Stonor at cricket which was embarrassing. But his absence on Her Majesty’s pleasure evened things up. Vib was an unfair advantage; Lachlan is a fair one. He appeared in natty Spanish conquistador beard (c.1620) and sports convertible (c.2010) around 2.30, just in time to come in at No 4 and start smiting quick runs. The ground was brown, the park was brown, the pitch was bare; balls leapt alarmingly. Adam was skip (in a declaration game) and elected to bat, much to […]
22nd August 2022
Having been away for a few weeks I was rather surprised to see the colour of the outfield upon arriving back at Stonor. Not, however, as surprised as Andy Jones was when he seemingly woke up out of chance rather than any forward planning on Saturday morning. To be fair he didn’t provide the magnums of rosé just drank them, and to be even fairer he didn’t lock himself out of the house without his car keys, something a sober Ollie Marsh failed to achieve. One way or another a full team arrived in relatively good time. We lost last year and so fielded an unusually youthful team, a tactic immediately noticed by the opposition. It doesn’t take much to appear intimidating at this level of cricket, thank goodness. Nick Derewlany was skipper, won the toss, and put us in to bat. Marsh and Tetlow did nothing to change The […]
11th August 2022
Saturday 6th August saw a new opposition debut at Stonor as the V&A had the absolute pleasure of hosting the Bacchus XI. Youthful, charming, and bringing a certain glamour with them as there were a couple more X chromosomes on the pitch than the reactionaries of the V&A are accustomed to. Bacchus, as we all know, is the Roman god of agriculture and wine. Associated with drama and the theatre he is often depicted accompanied by priapic satyrs and delicate nymphs. How fitting that Lachlan was selected, and that Nick C was making his post injury come back appearance. Patrick, the Bacchus skipper, got the trowel out early stressing they really were mainly here for the wine (and nymphs) and were not a strong side. Apparently, they had recently been thrashed by a school team, although it wasn’t made clear if it was a boys school. Rob T, our fecund […]
10th August 2022
As both the V&A and the Jesmond Jaguars descended on Stonor, cloud cover had gathered in the humid air. Google tells me that Jesmond is an “upscale suburb” in Newcastle, with “posh clothing boutiques and cafes” and “chic cocktail bars” (the Roundhay of Newcastle but without any future Conservative party leader to tarnish its reputation). For a moment I thought it an honour to have a team travel so far, from such a seemingly utopian place to play the humble V&A. I then learnt that none of the team actually live in Newcastle, and they just happened to go to university there and play rugby together. This disappointment set aside, Christiaan’s (7-1-40-1) eyes lit up at a chance to start off the bowling in the cloudy conditions, after we either won or lost the toss. He started a tidy spell, with his first five overs going for only 15. In […]