Match Reports
Match Reports
23rd May 2021
V&A PLAYERS: TOM BIRD (SKIP), PHIL GOODLIFFE (W/K), JAGO POYNTER, NICKY BIRD, ADAM JACOT, JOE TETLOW, OLLIE MARSH, NICK CONSTANTINE, CHRISTIAAN JONKERS, ADAM KNIGHT. We couldn’t get into the pavilion, the key didn’t work. But Jonkers picked the lock! Is there no dubious activity beyond this Woosterish figure? I once referred to his unctuous shop-walker manner as Uriah Heepish but he objected; Pecksniffian sounds better. The Invalids were 10 and we were 10, with me. I am not an asset these days and in the field I was useless. A flattering description actually, and at one point, a ball having whizzed through my hands at gully, Tetlow asked skipper Tom Bird whether he and I should swap places. But Tom demurred, thinking perhaps that there was no place to hide me. I eventually ended as long stop, where I needed a runner. Adam chivvied me in the field, told me […]
5th May 2021
One of my earliest memories of playing in a cricket match was my school’s Parents v School game. The master in charge of cricket was a rotund German with a gammy leg, who for reasons I cannot being to imagine had taken up cricket as a way of blending in with the locals. He was also somewhat forthright in his views, so when my mother mentioned how much I was enjoying playing, he replied by describing me as the most ill-coordinated boy he had encountered and a lost cause as far as cricket was concerned. Usually the School, after season of nets and matches, beat the less practiced Parents quite easily, but on this occasion a recent addition to the Parent ranks happened a regular for Worcestershire II’s. He hit sixes at will and when he tired of that, offered a series of towering catches which a succession of hapless schoolboys […]
29th April 2021
Well the good news is that no one is talking about vectors of disease (or VD, for that matter) this year… sleaze now seems to en vogue: a globular, slimy residue that resides solely within the corridors of power. They’re all far too interested in whether Dominic Cummings will train his beady little eyes on them to worry about a harmless bit of stick and ball. We are much relieved. The Bushmen (or BBC Bushmen CC to give them their full title) are an old and dear foe to the V&A. We’ve had many a good tussle with them over the years and Saturday’s fixture was another terrific outing. Who doesn’t love a low scoring affair, punctuated by various fly-bys? As we limbered up to take the field, The V&A batting first in this instance, two Apache gunships came thundering up the Stonor Valley a mere 100ft above the wicket. […]
19th October 2020
V&A CRICKET 2020 – END OF TERM REPORT BY THE CHAIRMAN, NICKY BIRD COVID WREAKED HAVOC WITH THE FIXTURES but we had half a season, which the Stonor chaps thought impossible in early July, and so did not waste money and energy preparing a strip or the outfield. Worms enjoyed themselves, bunnies too. I came for a picnic at the pavilion at that time and the pitch was a field, seemingly returned to nature and poppies and clover and birds. It was desolate; no walkers about, not even Lachlan camping in the environs with his primer stove and pocket edition of Aeschylus. I wrote to the Telegraph pointing out the absurdity of cricket being banned while netball and outdoor gym was allowed. The crap about a cricket ball being a ‘vector’ was palpable nonsense (and so it proved). Boris read my letter and relented. Stonor worked miracles to return […]
25th September 2020
In the car, Nicky Bird chuntered on about how courtroom TV dramas fail to get the details right. Misuse of a gavel, no delineation between barrister and solicitor, a high court judge peering down from the bench at a shoplifter’s first hearing. It’s either a mistake, or they just can’t be bothered, he said. Against a growing tide of shortcuts and bitesize, there is a need for sticklers, like Nicky, to stand up and say “no, we’re not avin it guv”. In much the same way, long-form cricket on a Saturday in Stonor, is a tradition to be treasured and defended. It’s a holy grail. And as our Christiaan relic rightly pointed out (when their umpire enquired whether a ‘no-ball’ resulted in a ‘free hit’): “No!…this is PROPER cricket”. We were playing the GTs (see Phil Goodliffe’s email for background and more), captained by an amiable fellow in Miles Martin. […]
14th September 2020
I gave Nick Derewlany a lift down to Stonor. He was unhungover which always surprises. We talked of the holocaust and the banality of evil, and then moved to weighty things like Brentford missing out on promotion. Nick’s family came from Lvov, a great mistake as it was on the old Polish/Russian border and bang in the way of Stalin’s tanks going west and Hitler’s going east. Droitwich is a safer bet. And the B4090 going through Droitwich has temporary traffic lights so it’s not ideal tank country. It was a gorgeous sunny day at Stonor. Two new players graced us: Owen Gundry and his 13-year-old son Otto. Otto bowls very nicely and will be a good bat. Owen is a set designer and designed the set for Jonathan Ross’s new show. But nobody’s perfect. Adam writes for airline magazines. You have to accept work where you can. Jonkers runs […]
7th September 2020
For 20 years or more Rupert Morris has graced our game, and Kitty has graced the boundary with her pleasant banter and erudition. But not her culinary skills, at which she is ‘useless’; fortunately, Rupert is not. He can create saumon en croûte de pâte feuilletée even with a bottle of Muscadet inside him, such is his mastery of cuisine. His talents are legion – supremo of the written word, of the green baize, of Holmesiana, a distinguished journalist, Humanist celebrant and sometime publisher. Master of many trades, but not cricket alas. He came to it late, never really played at Eton or university. We scouted him while he was playing for the GTs, already middle aged, but capable of a quick opening 30 if catches were missed. The transfer was made because the V&A was not then and should not be about cricketing prowess, but about clubbability – and […]
7th September 2020
Habitually, whenever match report writing has been mentioned, I have avoided any eye contact and skulked off swiftly. V&A are match reports are witty, erudite and full of words you will usually only find in a book written by Adam Jacot; penned by arty types as a vehicle to show off their knowledge of literature and culture – not my bag. No condition is permanent however and following Saturdays game, whilst relaxing over a pint at the Golden Testicle, I was caught completely unawares and mugged by T-Bird. Oozing his abundant charm he fixed me with calculating eyes and asked me if I could write up the match report? He had already posted a curly blond, blue eyed child to cover the only exit and I was in trouble. I blurted that in Trivial Pursuit the Art & Literature cheese was always the one I was struggled to get and […]
2nd September 2020
I never asked to do the match report, but here goes. Nicky’s are bollocks mainly, Jonkers’ impenetrable, NPG talks in riddles. So the bar is pretty low. Jago’s are lovely, by the way. I’ll attempt to get it on the website unedited*. Which is manned by Nick Constantine. Constantine is kit manager, wine manager and website manager. It helps to be clubbable. He had trouble with Ross, leading to a political tête-à-tête. Ross was stressed with two kids and a stressful career, and Nick C wound him up. I was ok with Ross, until I got arsy with him for not keeping wicket well enough, and next week he was gone. I hope he and Megan come back at some point, not least because they made the place wonderful with children and puddings. His dashing backward forward defensive attack is folklore in these parts; his prolific run scoring too, […]
28th August 2020
A V&A losing streak, it is said, is about as rare as the sighting of the Great Whyte Stagge of Stonor – at least according to Nick Pritchard-Gordon. “Never seen it before. Probably fable,” he says. I have to say, dear reader, that I am inclined to agree. No win in three weeks, despite teams of considerable talent. Hubris, I think they call that. Regardless, the first game of the annual double-header weekend was a must win and skipper Jonkers drummed up a solid XI. We fancied our chances. Before the toss, as a brief aside, Jonkers admitted to self that he doesn’t much mind the not winning, unless of course he is captain. On those occasions he cares a great deal. His cries of ‘dicky knee, can’t bowl’ morph into Lionesque roars of appeal for yet another ‘plum’ LBW that hasn’t gone his way. This might explain why, knowing the opposition wanted […]