Match Reports
Match Reports
18th June 2023
‘Cricket is better than sex’ (Harold Pinter). I quoted this old chestnut the other week and one V&A stalwart told me – ‘I tried his theory out with the missus after the pub, it being Saturday – a sort of practical. The missus said Pinter was right. And she hates cricket.’ He went on: ‘Cricket is actually like sex. It involves absurd positions. And etiquette, confrontation, argument and disappointment. And recrimination.’ We had all the above on Saturday, to a lesser degree. There was ‘organised loafing’ too (Archbishop Temple), as we hung about for an age before wandering out to play. We batted first in a 35-over game skippered with his customary skill and tact by Rob Taylor. I umpired and was soon embroiled in a minor argument and confrontation with a very reasonable bowler who asked politely why his LBW appeal was rejected when the ball would have hit […]
13th June 2023
Eventually we corralled a motley crew and the game was on. We tossed up, and the Bandits won the toss, but we got to bat anyway. Batting wasn’t our strongest suit on the day, so it was good to bat first. And it was also cooler at 11:30am than it promised to be by mid-afternoon Opening up was Tom Bird and Jasper Arnold. Jasper hit some penetrating shots through the offside, punishing the ball to the rope with his new bat. Jasper spends most of his time out of his crease, and it was perhaps his unusual approach to running between the wickets that did for Tom Bird, who was caught short of his ground early on. In at number three was Tetlow Snr. He was a very good batsmen in his day and played for Lancashire schoolboys, but not for his leg-spin which featured heavily in local car parks. […]
2nd June 2023
A fine day in the Stonor valley saw the V&A play host to local visitors from across in the Thames in Berkshire, a fixture which has been running for some fifteen years. The Town & Country Folk used to turn up with a cavalcade of 4x4s which distributed hoards of youngsters around the ground. The youngsters have grown up, and now make up half of the team giving the T&Cs some players who can run and throw to compensate for their ever more creaky parents. Nick Derewlany won the toss and chose to let the opposition bat first and before long they were reeling somewhat at 65-4 in the light of some tight V&A bowling. Their innings was singlehandedly saved by a fine innings from local farmer, James Hunt, who took time to play himself in before lunch followed by a series of crisp straight drives and lusty pulls to […]
28th May 2023
A glorious day! Sunny, cloudless, a slight breeze, charming opposition, brilliant lunch – pulled pork courtesy of Steph Bird – and no riff-raff. Thankfully, it is some time since we had a moron like Richard Adamson who used to smoke at square leg and thought it funny to call me Mr. Turd. Or that bloke Julian Stewart who thought Churchill was just a nodding dog. Things started badly from the cricket point of view. Lachlan cried off, Tom Bird buggered his back. Christy came in for Lachlan and Dominic Scott at the very last minute for Tom. We missed Lachlan’s pace, batting flair and acting prowess, particularly his impersonation of a brooding thespian. We played a 35-over game, captained by Jonkers. We batted first on a dry, well-behaved pitch (thank you, groundsman). Their bowling was good, if not terrifying. David Pitlarge and Jasper Arnold opened, and progressed steadily, with some […]
25th May 2023
Summer seems to have finally arrived at Stonor. The smell of freshly mown grass has replaced the heavy, damp air that has blighted the early season and the wicket is beginning to lose its evergreen hue. There was, and I hope you can believe this, sunshine! I don’t know who is bribing who up there – but keep it going. The Ageing Rock Stars XI (ARSE, for short, as they were all very keen to point out) are an assemblage of the Old Wimbledonians who are ‘even older’ apparently. I shan’t pass judgement on the age bit, but I didn’t spot any rockstars of note. But I am young and ignorant of these things. Would I recognise a member of Status Quo in the street? No. But their keeper was a dead ringer for Phil Collins. Skipper Tetlow lost the toss and we were stuck in the field for […]
16th May 2023
Howitzers couldn’t play so it was the London Desperados on this dank draughty day. The Met Office had promised 19 degrees celsius and sunshine (enough for the second jumper, often required at the bookend, to be removed from the cricket bag). Error. The pitch, though, was as dry as could be hoped, on inspection. The outfield was well cut; the wind lifting the grass cuttings slightly at the boundary’s edge. An affable bunch, the opposition enquired about wifi and 3G, 4G, and 5G. They wanted to livestream the game to YouTube for some reason. Nicky wished them luck, turned to me, and pointed to a toothpaste stain on his green jacket: “See that Tetters? That’s cum”. We do worry about his health. Rob Taylor was captain. He lost the toss and we fielded first. Lachlan was fashionably late, so Jonkers opened down the hill (filmed by the Desperados camera tower […]
3rd May 2023
Despite it being April, this ought to have been our third game of the season. We were due to play last weekend but the weather and people’s diaries proved insurmountable for both us and the opposition. There was a game three weekends ago, ably formed by Chris Mounsey-Thear which appears to have defied all odds and produced an enjoyable afternoon of rather muddy cricket. Thankfully, the sun shone on Saturday last and we had an extraordinarily close game that came down to the very final ball at 6PM. The Battersea Badgers are old hands at Stonor these days and it was a pleasure to welcome them for what is now their sixth season playing against us. They’re a lovely bunch, without many ties to Battersea and with absolutely no ties to badgers, badgering or anything else of that sort, despite what Nicky Bird might tell certain bureaucrats at The […]
29th January 2023
V&A TEAM: VIN GRANTHAM, NICKY BIRD, CHRISTIAAN JONKERS (CAPT.), TOM BIRD, STEPH BIRD, STEPH’S MUM FIONA, NICK PRITCHARD-GORDON THE V&A QUIZ TEAM won last year, and we have won it before. I am embarrassed that we look like a cocky bunch of St Custard’s swots, who know things about books and history and stuff, and bring our own claret. But our Achilles’ Heel is popular culture; with no one under 40 our knowledge ended with the Tellytubbies. Jonkers, for instance, thinks TikTok is what a clock does. Stonor’s great quizmaster John Powell sets the questions which are brainy and fair – designed to challenge clever dicks but not bamboozle the unlearned. We once had a chap on our team – Ernest Franklin – who failed to answer a single question. Partly due to drink as well as senescence (and doodling inanely on the tablecloth). This year our team met at […]