V&A XI: J. Tetlow (c), B. Tetlow, C. Jonkers, D. de Caires, J. Arnold, A Knight, O. Nieboer, L, Nieboer, T. Bird, T. Pritchard Gordon, E. Nicoli

Eventually we corralled a motley crew and the game was on. We tossed up, and the Bandits won the toss, but we got to bat anyway. Batting wasn’t our strongest suit on the day, so it was good to bat first. And it was also cooler at 11:30am than it promised to be by mid-afternoon

Opening up was Tom Bird and Jasper Arnold. Jasper hit some penetrating shots through the offside, punishing the ball to the rope with his new bat. Jasper spends most of his time out of his crease, and it was perhaps his unusual approach to running between the wickets that did for Tom Bird, who was caught short of his ground early on. 

In at number three was Tetlow Snr. He was a very good batsmen in his day and played for Lancashire schoolboys, but not for his leg-spin which featured heavily in local car parks. After a some Nick Emley-esque throw downs in the nets (about four) Tetlow Jnr, captain on the day, reminded his father that we only had 35 overs to bat and not to hang around unnecessarily. After five dot balls and having not played cricket for ten years, Tetlow snr decided it was high time he hit a boundary and was caught at mid off. A cruel game.

And so it continued. Lachlan had a short stay at the crease, when we needed his runs; the ball ricocheting off his foot onto the stumps, leaving us 30-3. The match required a captain’s innings, and Tetlow Jnr set about the task nicely, leaning on a full ball and cover driving it for four to get his innings under way. In a well-paced 41, he hit several boundaries including one six which displaced one of the slats of the memorial bench, leaving it looking like an Ikea bed after a raunchy night. Jasper got a ripsnorter, gloving it to the keeper, for a nice 31. The pitch was providing a bit of assistance to the bowlers. It was hard and straw coloured, but some were keeping low and others jumping up – something that we are all familiar with at Stonor. 

Joining Tetlow at the crease was Tom Pritchard-Gordon. TPG had negotiated his girlfriend a bottle of champagne for his presence on the day and wangled his way up the number six. Nicky Bird had said via email that TPG was a batsman now. After the first shot that he played, Tetlow turned to Nicky Bird (who was umpiring) with a raised eyebrow as if to say ‘you fucking liar’. But his scepticism was short-lived as TPG leant into anything wide, cutting it for four. Tetlow constantly urged TPG to concentrate and keep his head down and to stay with him. But it was in fact Tetlow who lost his concentration on the stroke of lunch, hitting a loose ball skyward back to the bowler. 

Lunch was provided by Nicky, who is doing an excellent job of catering, chauffeuring, and speeching each weekend. Jeremy Nieboer, who was present to watch two of his sons play in this match, was thanked for bringing with him some excellent roast beef, though we were disappointed he didn’t bring some more of the Gamay he bestowed upon us last year. We sat away from the pavilion under the shade of the tree for a good hour, drinking 2015 Bordeaux instead, which Nicky had generously donated following a clear-out of his house. We are all hopeful that Jonkers clears out his house soon. 

Nicky’s speech was followed by posh choc-ices (Magnum’s) and they were very nice indeed. TPG drank heavily at lunch and was out, bowled, almost immediately after. Constantine wasn’t playing this weekend, but his spirit lives on. 

At 120 for 5, with no more than 11 overs to go, Jonkers strode to the crease in glistening white, brimming with confidence, bursting with beef, and with a bristling moustache under his sunhat. The opposition had clearly seen him bat well before, as Alex Lang ushered his field backwards and remarked that Jonkers can bat. And so he could. There were few customary hoiks to the leg side on this occasion, prodding forward to defend the dangerous ones, whilst dispatching less ominous lobs to the fence with vigour. He marshalled the tail tremendously, farming the strike as he lost partners in Denis De Caires, Oscar Nieboer, and Enzo Nicoli. Enzo, having not played cricket for several years, batted OK, but did both his hamstring and calf in his first run – and needed a runner until the indignity was no more. Following Enzo and then Oscar’s wicket, the Bandits had a chance of a hat trick. But instead of calling upon Nicky Bird to don his kit at number 11, we were blessed with Adam Knight who had turned up just in time to come in after making his way from a christening that morning. Maybe there is a god.

In the end, we ended up putting 180 on the board, which was a decent total, and Christiaan top scored with 49*. 

Opening up for the bandits was Alex Lang’s brother, who is their wicketkeeper. Along with Alex Lang himself, he is their best batsman and defended and clipped Lachlan well. At the other end, Denis, in his customary sweatshirt, trundled down the hill and swung his way past their bats. It was De Caires who got the first wicket, bowling their opener excellently and the second, dismissing their number three with a magical caught and bowled, rolling back the years to take a sharp one-handed catch to his left. With Jeremy Nieboer umpiring from the Henley end, Lachlan finally found his line and length and struck Lang on the knee roll in front of middle. Some questioned whether the ball might have been going over the wicket, but Jeremy had read the rules of lbw before arriving at Stonor that morning, in particular the rule that states ‘if your son appeals, it must therefore be out’. Lachlan got another to add to the tally and put us fully in the driving seat. Jeremy then got the opportunity to umpire for his other son, Oscar (Lachlan’s elder brother). Lachlan had insisted that Oscar replaced him at the Henley end, and Tetlow, despite some initial scepticism, accepted. Oscar bowled beautifully with line and length, using the pitch for assistance and Jasper, deputising as wicketkeeper, stood up and kept well to many that went past the bat. Oscar was unlucky not to pick up a wicket before tea. 

Tea was an array of jam tarts, jam on scones, and chocolate brownies. It had been a good session but Alex Lang was at the crease and capable of chasing anything. After tea, though, Adam Knight threw down some real heat from the top end and got quicker with every over. Swinging it in to the right hander, an unorthodox leg slip was in place, often required to stop the ball beating everyone and going for four. Eventually Adam got the breakthrough, taking the crucial wicket of Alex Lang, sending the bails flying in the process. At 60-6, the game was effectively over. TPG was excellent from the Henley end, pitching the ball up and varying his line and lengths as well as his pace with exceptional ability. He took two wickets and deservedly so.

Jonkers, nursing a bad finger, said he was grateful not to have to bowl at the tailenders as it doesn’t get his juices flowing. Enzo and Tetlow Snr, however, were desperate to bowl at those kinds of batsmen, but didn’t get the chance as the innings was wrapped up after just 21 overs with the Bandits making 80. The match was over by 5:30pm and we went straight to the Golden Ball where the teams congregated around Brakspear, but no chips. We hear that the Golden Ball is under new ownership with a chef from London who used to be sous chef at a Michelin star restaurant in Notting hill. We accept triple cooked chips too. We’re not fussy.