V&A PLAYERS: Tom BIRD, Adam JACOT [Skip], Lachlan NIEBOER, Christiaan JONKERS, Nicky BIRD (12th man), Ben HORAN, Vin GRANTHAM, Theo GRANTHAM, Shaun CHANDE, Nichal SETHI, Niam SCOTT-RAM, Nick SCOTT-RAM

We’ve been playing at Stonor for about 35 years, and playing the village almost as long. Our hosts deserve respect. At the annual Stonor quiz in the pavilion, I always suggest it would be less bumptious if the V&A came second; but clever dicks like Jonkers and Vin ignore diplomacy and keep getting the answers right. When we had the brilliant all-rounder Vib Fonseka, the V&A would thrash Stonor at cricket which was embarrassing. But his absence on Her Majesty’s pleasure evened things up. Vib was an unfair advantage; Lachlan is a fair one. He appeared in natty Spanish conquistador beard (c.1620) and sports convertible (c.2010) around 2.30, just in time to come in at No 4 and start smiting quick runs. 

The ground was brown, the park was brown, the pitch was bare; balls leapt alarmingly. Adam was skip (in a declaration game) and elected to bat, much to Christiaan’s disapproval. He felt it was trickier to dismiss obdurate batsmen than surmount a total, even a hefty one. 

Openers Shaun and Vin did well to cope with tempting wayward balls. Some popped, some scooted wide. Shaun rode his luck with lofted shots but whacked a few mighty boundaries before being well caught in the deep (inevitably) for 17. Stonor’s fielding was impressive, even from the aged Richard Hunt, farmer father of James and grandfather of Charley.

Shaun is getting married in three weeks. He is clearly nervous. His intended is old money, landed, charming. A word of advice. I went out with Katherine Guinness. She was fit. Exquisite even; clever and very very rich. I played the insouciant bit. She ran off with Mick Jagger. Be warned, Mick is still around. I ended up marrying a woman from Birmingham. 

Vin hit a shot of the day, a beauty through mid-wicket that he felt deserved the rapturous applause from the spectators that never came. He made 10 in ten overs, a tribute to his discipline. Or lack of runs. He was nicely caught by Tom P-G which must rankle.  

Things looked a bit dicey, although the bowling was mostly benign, if unpredictable. But then Nieboer – as he is wont to do – scored freely (with Nichal, a very correct batsman). Lachlan’s first 5 scoring shots were fours. Elegant ones. He is an artist. He prefers to score boundaries, ‘less effort’; he rightly regards running as a bit foreign, vulgar. He embodies the spirit of Flanders & Swann (as quoted by Vin):

And all the world over, each nation’s the same;

They’ve simply no notion of playing the game;

They argue with umpires, they cheer when they’ve won –

And they practice beforehand, which ruins the fun!

Personally, I regard practice, nets, as unCorinthian, a form of cheating. But I am old fashioned and still get out of the bath to piss. 

The pair put on 71 before Nichal (33) was bowled by Swinburne (as in the poet, whom no one but Jonkers seemed to know). Tom Bird (15) came in and promptly hit three fours – one a classic cut – before succumbing to a mistimed hoick, as has happened once or twice before. But Nieboer was imperious and although young Niam was bowled for 5 (after showing real style), Ben took over and commanded an end. Lachlan, in the spirit of Captain Oates, sacrificed his wicket (55). He then charmed our tea lady (he’s always nice to old people). 

At the end Jonkers (3*) joined Horan (22*) and they ran like rabbits, scurrying invaluable runs. But our 181, on a fast outfield, was unlikely to be enough, I thought. Despite claiming no wickets, it was Tom P-G who had tied us down. However, Nick Pritchard-Gordon, a bit wonky physically and thus reduced to lawn bowls, felt that the V&A’s bowling ‘would be too good for Stonor’. Would he be right? 

Frankly, Stonor’s tea was rather better than ours. Unfortunately, our tea lady heard me praising their tea lady for the general scrumptiousness of the spread; so there was a bit of a froideur in the car later as I drove Mrs. Jenkins home. She also complained that she’d suffered a surfeit of filth, smut about penile reduction and such like. Jonkers told of his day at Lord’s when Mounsey-Thear failed to pace himself and ended up in a St James’s restaurant hugging waiters. A day’s spectating is like a day at the crease: it has to be built slowly. Otherwise you end up like M-T, spilling the drink and snogging the staff. Never a good look. 

I explained to the uninitiated ‘Mowergate’. What happened was this: some 15 years ago Stonor bought a new sit-on mower (£7000) for the grumpy groundsman, Tony Fisher (who turned up looking spry on Sunday with his 9 iron). Tony sat on the thing and drove it round the ground, watched by Stonor Treasurer Peter Collings and Chairman Nigel Allsop. Then it was locked in the container behind the pavilion. By morning it was gone! Nicked. Suspicion naturally fell on those present. But Tony and Nigel showed no obvious signs of wealth in the months that followed so were discounted. Peter, however, was in the frame. He belonged to Phyllis Court, that club for the decrepit in Henley, where he was much in demand as a toy boy, being a lot younger at 65 than the clientele. It is a place where every enquiry – ‘where are the stairs, where is the gents?’ – elicits the response ‘Do you require assistance?’ Collings probably showered his ladies with presents and Senokot® Max Strength doesn’t come cheap. Nothing was proved, so Peter walked. I did a bit of sleuthing and reckon I solved the whodunnit. Who could see from his top window the mower going through its paces, needed money desperately (to fix the roof) and could explain his presence if caught in the act? Step forward Lord Camoys GCVO.

The Stonor innings started well. For them. Mayo struck two fours off Ben’s first two balls. Farr also walloped him. After three overs Ben was taken off after leaking 27 runs. If this was not his day he is a fine all-rounder and chap, and raises the tone. He never gets flustered scoring, unlike Adam who is unable to do two things at once, like score and listen to my erudition. He must have silence when concentrating, whether on washing up or flushing the toilet. He is off to Norway. I have told the Norwegians to shut the fuck up while he concentrates on his Smörgåsbord.

While Theo Grantham toiled at one end, Jonkers came on at the other. He was marginally cheaper than Horan, going for 7 an over. But then – a breakthrough! Theo bowled their No. 2, Farr (9). Was this the start of the predicted collapse? No. Williams dug in with Mayo, now fluent, and a 50 plus partnership was only ended when Williams was caught by Jacot at mid-off (‘any catch by Jacot is a good catch’ – Jonkers) for 19. Sadly, Jacot dropped Mayo almost immediately. 

We needed wickets. And got one when Nieboer came on. He quickly dismissed Symonds LBW for 7 (despite Stonor being parsimonious with LBWs). 

Then calamity! Diving down the leg our keeper, Nichal, dislocated his shoulder. Dr. Vin Grantham, that picture of health, was on hand to put it back; but Nichal was hospital bound. Lachlan (who found keeping ‘easy’), Niam and then Theo (after bowling ten overs) took the gloves. 

But when Lachlan bowled Maidlow (No 5) for a duck, trapped Symonds (No. 4) LBW for 7 (despite Stonor being parsimonious with LBWs) – and bowled Mayo for 80 – Stonor were rocking on 140 for 5, with a long tail. 

From needing 100 off the last 20 overs they now needed 8 an over to win. 

We had, when we arrived, noticed with pleasure some old men on their team. But this was tempered by evidence of youth, with its capacity to bend and run. Unfortunately, youth was in evidence at the end, in the shape of Tom P-G, a slight figure but quite butch. Tom played intelligently: blocking, steering balls into gaps, hitting loose ones, and running singles to the keeper, who was standing back to stop four byes. Eight times the keeper shied at the stumps while the batsmen ran the bye, but he missed each time.

Stonor needed 18 runs off the last two overs. Shaun bowled the penultimate one. Perhaps Adam should have bowled it. It went for 10, including two fours from Tom. 8 were needed off the last over, which Lachlan bowled. There was a bye, another bye, – and then crucially Tom fashioned a half-volley from a good length ball and it pinged to the boundary. Two scampered byes then won the game for Stonor. They had won with a ball to spare. Masterful captaincy by Adam, graciously losing to Stonor but thrillingly so. 

Who would have thought that Tom Pritchard-Gordon (26*), this once permanently raddled roué, the worry of his parents, would one day be a sober hero with bat and ball. He was Man of the Match. He is lucky to have Liss, his lovely girlfriend. She copes with hangovers and loves cricket. No finer qualities. If I were him I would do the decent thing. Mick Jagger is still a threat. 

By Nicky Bird