Match Reports
Match Reports
6th September 2021
I am a great fan of Henry Turpie. Although he has never captained the V&A before he is clearly an experienced skipper, and doesn’t flap or lose focus or get upset by some arse talking bollocks behind the wicket like Emley or me. Actually, neither of us were playing, my athleticism wasn’t needed as we were quorate and Emley sent a text at 11.30 a.m. to say he’d been herded by diversions into the car park at Heathrow’s Term. 3 and so – ‘fuck it, am fucking off to fucking Wiltshire’. You can always tell a Cambridge man by his command of English. Perhaps Emley picked up his patois doing porridge. Jonkers learnt more useful things like picking locks. Turpie had none of my advantages of birth. He went to a grim boarding school in Dorset, with Baz and Jago, but he remained uncorrupted. They had girls at Bryanston […]
26th August 2021
IN MEMORIAM TED DEXTER CBE (1935–2021) PRESIDENT OF THE V&A CRICKET CLUB Our President, ‘Lord’ Ted Dexter, died on August 25. He became President around 1978. He lived down the road from me in Ealing, and was a friend of Simon Foster’s family, who was then one of our finest all-rounders. I wrote to Ted who said he’d be delighted to grace our club as President, but to remember to include his CBE in the credit. I used to see him locally and wave to him and he always waved back but with a slight air of not knowing who I was. When Andy Fraser and I met him at the Hilton 20 years ago (at a function in honour of Garry Sobers) we said hullo and mentioned the V&A, and showed him a V&A scorecard. I had hoped he’d say that being our President was his proudest […]
23rd August 2021
Stonor CC are much like ourselves, a mixture of chaps who’ve seen better days, and yoof – in their case the Lovelands and a 12-year-old (Blumfield) who is going to be a super bowler but got whacked rather tactlessly by Jago and Vin. I was umpiring and if the ball had hit their left ear I would have given an instant LBW to punish their rudeness. We batted first in a timed game, that offered a draw as a possible third result. Vin and Jago opened and faced an awkward pitch where balls popped and shot. Phil Goodliffe says wormcasts might be to blame, or rolling them. He can explain more fully. Jago was majestic, his first 5 scoring shots were fours, his next was an errant single and then a six; and then he was adjudged LBW by umpire Jonkers. As always with the Chelsea Potter […]
16th August 2021
[Virile young V&A cricketers and Christiaan Jonkers enjoying the rain at Lord’s last Thursday.] ‘Nothing matters very much and few things matter at all.’ This wise comment by Prime Minister Arthur Balfour is the antidote to that Scots obsessive Bill Shankly and his nonsense about football – ‘Some people believe football is a matter of life and death. It’s much more important than that.’ Shanks also said: ‘Of course I didn’t take my wife to see Rochdale as an anniversary present. It was Rochdale reserves.’ I don’t think he was joking. Anyway, the point about quoting Balfour is that he got it right, but that he should have added that one thing is important and that is ‘walking’ at cricket. Martin Bowden told a story of how an Aussie he was playing with seemed to snick a ball to the keeper, it was audible from the pavilion, but […]
2nd August 2021
V&A PLAYERS: J. Tetlow (c), C. Jonkers, L. Nieboer, A. Jacot, A. Knight, C. Mounsey-Thear, C. Hunt, M. Wright, N. Emley, P. Goodliffe, N. Bird The Thebertons are run by Tim Young QC, and named after a street in his native Islington. As he said during my luncheon peroration we have been playing each other for over 35 years or so. He was about Charlie Hunt’s age, once, but mature; you could tell he was a lawyer ‘cos he said things like ‘be that as it may’ and ‘I put it to you with respect’ but he was always modest about his cricket, with good reason. Anyway, the ‘Thebs’ are a diverse lot nowadays. Yes, they are replete with barristers, but they have some solicitors too. Though they seem to be pretty white and gender-specific unlike ourselves with that actor chappie with dyed hair (who claims it was for a […]
21st June 2021
JUNE 19, 2021, STONOR A DANK DAY, RAIN THREATENING (see photo of Otto and Ben) but Alex Lang, the Bandits’ jovial founder and captain, thought we could manage a 35-over game. I won the toss and batted – on a leaden pitch. ‘Do not play back’ I warned, ‘do not attempt to sweep a ball on the wicket’. Deaf ears. I rued the absence of Andy Fraser’s correctness (I refer to his technique, not character) and Lachlan’s invaluable gifts but the bugger had injured himself, possibly combing his hair, or camping. We opened with Vin and Matt Wright. They batted nicely, and even managed boundaries, not easy on such a pudding of an outfield. But both were out for 13, Vin caught spooning it up; Matt bowled going back. Jago and Rob Taylor came in and smote the bowling before Jago misjudged one on the wicket and was […]
13th June 2021
V&A Team: Nieboer (capt.), Jacot, Jonkers, Goodliffe, Tetlow, Hale, Fraser, Gleason, Mayana, Sethi, Wright, Bird, N. (12th Man) THE CHELSEA ARTS CLUB is one of our oldest fixtures. We first played them 37 years ago. Stephen Bartley, their co-founder with David Maddocks (still playing), was at school with me and was looking for arty teams to play so alighted on the V&A. We were pathetic, crippled by limp-wristed curators who nancied about like girlies in the outfield commenting on the too too delicious Poussin-blue of the sky. They had to go. There’s nothing homophobic about kicking out a bunch of preening queens and getting in butch guys like Jacot and Bowden. Jacot played on Saturday and was pretty depressed. ‘Bowled first ball and whacked for 10 in my first over, I’m giving up.’ But next over it all changed – two wickets and he was un cochon dans la merde. […]
7th June 2021
V&A PLAYERS: Emley (Capt), Bowden, de Caires, Jacot A, Jonkers, Nieboer, Constantine, Pritchard-Gordon N, Marsh, Tetlow, Bird N, (12th Man) JUNE 5 SHOULD HAVE BEEN D-DAY but in 1944 the weather was atrocious, so it was postponed a day. It was the other way round for us. It rained Friday and shone Saturday. And our day was not marred by Germans. My friend Derek Dowding (late husband of Lady Dowding who presents our awards), a Battle of Britain pilot, said he loved flying before the war but then ‘the Germans ruined the pleasure’. Too often one’s nice day out, or nice plan, is buggered by the enemy or opposition. As the Polish commander said when looking at General Browning’s plan for Arnhem – ‘but the Germans, General, the Germans!’ Or as Mike Tyson said: ‘no plan survives a punch in the mouf.’ Last week, against The Star XI, our plan […]
1st June 2021
It being a bank holiday weekend we were short and our opposition, Jesmond Jaguars, were too; so we combined and found a very nice team to play against, Star of Hackney. Many of this mostly Sikh team were new to village cricket and the vagaries of our pitch, but revelled in the view and the kites and the hens in the Golden Ball. They may not have revelled in my chatter in the pub but they got it anyway and laughed at my joke(s). I do not get that sort of politeness, however forced, at home. My present wife is quite rude and says my throat problem is entirely caused by talking bollocks. Chris Mounsey-Thear made the day. He it was who found the Star XI; AND he made the fabulous lunch of all manner of meats and salads. When I got there at 10.45 he was busy chopping and […]
23rd May 2021
V&A PLAYERS: TOM BIRD (SKIP), PHIL GOODLIFFE (W/K), JAGO POYNTER, NICKY BIRD, ADAM JACOT, JOE TETLOW, OLLIE MARSH, NICK CONSTANTINE, CHRISTIAAN JONKERS, ADAM KNIGHT. We couldn’t get into the pavilion, the key didn’t work. But Jonkers picked the lock! Is there no dubious activity beyond this Woosterish figure? I once referred to his unctuous shop-walker manner as Uriah Heepish but he objected; Pecksniffian sounds better. The Invalids were 10 and we were 10, with me. I am not an asset these days and in the field I was useless. A flattering description actually, and at one point, a ball having whizzed through my hands at gully, Tetlow asked skipper Tom Bird whether he and I should swap places. But Tom demurred, thinking perhaps that there was no place to hide me. I eventually ended as long stop, where I needed a runner. Adam chivvied me in the field, told me […]