Match Reports
Match Reports
28th May 2023
A glorious day! Sunny, cloudless, a slight breeze, charming opposition, brilliant lunch – pulled pork courtesy of Steph Bird – and no riff-raff. Thankfully, it is some time since we had a moron like Richard Adamson who used to smoke at square leg and thought it funny to call me Mr. Turd. Or that bloke Julian Stewart who thought Churchill was just a nodding dog. Things started badly from the cricket point of view. Lachlan cried off, Tom Bird buggered his back. Christy came in for Lachlan and Dominic Scott at the very last minute for Tom. We missed Lachlan’s pace, batting flair and acting prowess, particularly his impersonation of a brooding thespian. We played a 35-over game, captained by Jonkers. We batted first on a dry, well-behaved pitch (thank you, groundsman). Their bowling was good, if not terrifying. David Pitlarge and Jasper Arnold opened, and progressed steadily, with some […]
29th January 2023
V&A TEAM: VIN GRANTHAM, NICKY BIRD, CHRISTIAAN JONKERS (CAPT.), TOM BIRD, STEPH BIRD, STEPH’S MUM FIONA, NICK PRITCHARD-GORDON THE V&A QUIZ TEAM won last year, and we have won it before. I am embarrassed that we look like a cocky bunch of St Custard’s swots, who know things about books and history and stuff, and bring our own claret. But our Achilles’ Heel is popular culture; with no one under 40 our knowledge ended with the Tellytubbies. Jonkers, for instance, thinks TikTok is what a clock does. Stonor’s great quizmaster John Powell sets the questions which are brainy and fair – designed to challenge clever dicks but not bamboozle the unlearned. We once had a chap on our team – Ernest Franklin – who failed to answer a single question. Partly due to drink as well as senescence (and doodling inanely on the tablecloth). This year our team met at […]
30th December 2022
On arrival, Nicky Bird was leaning on the bar at the City Barge in Chiswick, like a Whykamist Del Boy Trotter, spinning yarn and selling stories. The rugby (England v New Zealand) wasn’t on the TV, so a Bird broadcast sufficed as mild entertainment; politics sprinkled with smut, as usual, and that was just his take on Liz Truss. She had apparently made a pass at Andy Fraser in a cab once, and he demurred, which Nicky struggled to believe; not because Liz is “top of the range”, but Andy has “never knowingly turned down anyone”. Truss’ successor, Rishi Sunak, went to Winchester College. “£45,000 a year to board, a rowing club, and a rifle club!” Sir Keir hurled at the despatch box recently. It also produced Nicky Bird esq, which would’ve been my line of attack. The awards ceremony this year was complimented by a wine tasting, port challenge, […]
27th September 2022
The 2022 SEASON was notable for an amazing number of exciting finishes, which weren’t contrived. The most memorable ending was in the second game of our Cambridge tour, against Mark Braid’s XI. Joe Tetlow needed to hit 10 off the last two balls. He hit two sixes. The bowler was their opener, the deliveries were good. As an aside, few remember the bloke at the other end when something dramatic happens. Who was batting with Bradman when the Don was bowled for a duck by Hollies in his last test? Arthur Morris, who went on to make 196. Who was batting with Tetlow? Bird N. We saw some bright young talent who we must nurture, with bribes or fine wine. Niam Scott-Ram, Aubrey Bamber, Otto Gundry, Theo Grantham and Alex Pitlarge for example. Charlie Hunt, who shone for us briefly, is too good and plays proper cricket for Turville or […]
18th September 2022
THE QUEEN was Lying in State as we played and the queues to Westminster Hall stretched back to Berkshire. There were queues to get in the queue. Were we guilty of lèse-majesté by playing? David Beckham probably thought so; unlike your run-of-the-mill royal or president, he joined the queue – possibly to show his man-of-the-people credentials in a last bid for a gong. But a Scottish actor (or ‘moron’) claimed the coffin was empty and the body had been secreted elsewhere for ‘security reasons’. Someone suggested she might be in the locked container behind the pavilion at Stonor; but the lock didn’t prevent the mower being nicked so this was thought unlikely. It was a sunny day but cold. Beautifully green. Joe Tetlow had worked hard to get a decent team together. I gave him a lift. There was something strange about him. He was unhungover. He talked sense. We […]
7th September 2022
Chris M-T did everything in this 35-over game. He raised the team, captained, catered. And he did everything with his customary tact and aplomb. You don’t get histrionics from a top PR man. And, said Christiaan, ‘he captained very astutely.’ A bowling change was key. No man is a hero to his valet but that is the valet’s fault. Mrs. M-T may not appreciate the jewel she lives with, the beauty of his bowling and run-up, his roast pork, his massive hook. The track was green but the ground was still brown. Around 12.30 it pissed down but stopped and then was dry. Batting was easier in the afternoon but we batted first, opening with young Leo Nieboer (nephew of the more famous Lachlan) and an old Jags mate of Chris M-T’s, a super batsman, Nick Scott-Dalgliesh. The bowling was good(ish) but the batsmen were soon 50 for no wicket, […]
29th August 2022
V&A v HOWITZERS, and MARK BRAID X1 SAT. AUG. 27 and SUN. AUG. 28 CONINGTON, CAMBS. A double header with a team much like ourselves, but rather more virile I thought, more manly, more Adam Knight than Adam Jacot. They had a rotund bloke who played league cricket (very strong in these parts) and smacked a half-century with ease, and then bowled without wheezing despite carrying the evidence of the good life. Very nice people, very chivalrous and if they kept up a barrage of banter in the field it was directed at their own incompetents rather than ours. Our incompetents were in evidence. The ground is lovely, the pinnacles of Conington’s magnificent church soar above the trees. Mark Braid, our host and a wine chum of Tom Bird, bought the Georgian manor house a few years ago and runs the Howitzers (originally a pub quiz team) who play on […]
22nd August 2022
We’ve been playing at Stonor for about 35 years, and playing the village almost as long. Our hosts deserve respect. At the annual Stonor quiz in the pavilion, I always suggest it would be less bumptious if the V&A came second; but clever dicks like Jonkers and Vin ignore diplomacy and keep getting the answers right. When we had the brilliant all-rounder Vib Fonseka, the V&A would thrash Stonor at cricket which was embarrassing. But his absence on Her Majesty’s pleasure evened things up. Vib was an unfair advantage; Lachlan is a fair one. He appeared in natty Spanish conquistador beard (c.1620) and sports convertible (c.2010) around 2.30, just in time to come in at No 4 and start smiting quick runs. The ground was brown, the park was brown, the pitch was bare; balls leapt alarmingly. Adam was skip (in a declaration game) and elected to bat, much to […]
1st May 2022
‘Precisely because the tyranny of opinion is such as to make eccentricity a reproach, it is desirable, in order to break through that tyranny, that people should be eccentric.’ On Liberty, John Stuart Mill, 1857 Is Neil Parish a loveable eccentric or an arse? When caught watching filth I have used three excuses: it was a) research b) an accident c) I was trying to access information about tractors. I have always found the last one ineffective with my missus. Joe Tetlow worked for five years with Parish. ‘A decent bloke’, apparently. Joe might need to adjust his CV. Watching hetero porn is always iffy, as it involves victimhood (the woman); whereas gay porn doesn’t and the spectator, being gay, is per se a minority (or ‘minoritised’) and thus to be respected. Anyway, that’s what I argue. A FEW GOOD MEN are very nice chaps led by the Corinthian Alistair Metcalf, a decent cricketer too. [Their name almost defines the team, apart from the ‘Good’ bit […]
18th October 2021
Nick Birdy (above, headless) holding the 2006 Fixture Card with its cover featuring Sir Garry Sobers, who is seated with Ted Dexter at a Hilton Hotel function. Ted seemed a bit confused and didn’t recall his status as our President, but it was late and the evening had been convivial. Our season was mixed – lows, troughs, nadirs and some moments of light relief. The best was superlative batting by Ollie Marsh (and others), but Ollie was a class apart, possibly the best V&A batsman (not forgetting Baz Street) since Robbie Lawson and Vib Fonseka (who, like Nick Emley, fell out with Old Bill and spent time slopping out). The pitch behaved a bit differently this year, no one scored a ton; there were several last year, even in a truncated season. But Phil Goodliffe’s horticultural expertise is a great boon. We had some brilliant games; but it’s […]