V&A PLAYERS: De Caires D [Skip] De Caires Josh + Mike Atherton, Tom Bird, R Ashcroft, A Taylor, R Taylor, C Mounsey-Thear, L Jacot, A Jacot, N Emley, C Jonkers 

It is said, to get on, it matters not what you know but whom you know.  This is why I am second hand bookseller.  Dennis de Caires knows plenty, but is also well connected in the cricketing world, a useful attribute when selecting a team.  His cousin’s son, Josh, is a very promising opening batsman for Middlesex Under 14s.  Josh also has something of a cricketing pedigree: his great grand father (and Dennis’s uncle), Frank de Caires, played three Test matches for the West Indies in the 1930s.  So Josh and his father, Mike (also something of a cricketer in his day) were persuaded, I know not how, to turn out for the V&A on a dank June morning at Stonor, which although most picturesque of aspect, is undoubtedly in the village category in terms of wicket preparation and facilities (or lack of, in both cases).  The constant threat of rain thankfully never materialised, but nor did the sun burn away the low cloud cover.

Josh and Ross Ashcroft opened for the V&A after Denis had won the toss and elected to bat. They moved unhurriedly to 30 from six overs before Josh lofted one to deep mid wicket, apparently between two fielders both of whom were charging towards the ball. The betting man would, at this point, have had his money on a nasty collision involving many oaths all round and the ball falling safely to the floor, but Ryan Dyer is made of sterner stuff and he held on to a fine low catch on the boundary, in spite of being needlessly tackled by his team mate who had “20 D’HOFF” gratuitously emblasoned on his shirt.

Chris Mounsey-Thear came and went quickly spooning one to midwicket, which brought to the crease Josh’s father.  He looked a little rusty to begin with, prodding ineffectually outside the off stump at his first ball and thereafter showing the unthreatening bowling exaggerated respect.  In time he began to find his feet and unfurl cover drives which looked strangely familiar.

In the mean time Ross continued in his usual imperturbable way and, with a minimum of risk the pair moved the score along, at about a run a ball, to 132, when Josh’s father, having been dropped in the deep shortly before reaching his 50 decided he had occupied the crease for long enough and retired with the score on 132 after 23 overs.  It was a good start, which looked liked it might be squandered as Denis soon played round a straight one and Rob Taylor, having lofted his first ball over extra cover, chipped the next one straight back to the bowler.  In following over, Ross, two short of his 50, was bowled by one which kept a little low and lunch was taken with the score on 141-6 from 26 overs.

Lunch was yet another bacchanalian spread: cold ham, cold beef, baked potato, a variety of salads, a cheese board and more besides.  Nick P-G, arriving late to watch the game, came out with a plate containing pickled onions and beetroots, which neither I nor Annette Jacot had spotted.  I suspect he had brought them from his allotment.  Nicky Bird, who was not playing, but had umpired for much of the morning, talked a good deal during lunch.  Nick Emley took him to task over accusations of dropped catches in the last match report claiming that Nicky had not accurately relayed the full facts.  He should know by now that, like all good storytellers, Nicky rarely lets minor considerations like facts get in the way of his narrative.  I suggested his match report was a little short, which he agreed with but said he had to excise much of the content on legal advice.  Incidentally, Nicky’s ire raised by lawyer’s fees seems to have been put in the shade by tax advisors, who, he says charge an even more egregious hourly rate to tell you they cannot help you. 

After lunch there were brief cameos of differing styles from Andy Taylor and Emley, following which the innings spontaneously combusted, losing the last four wickets in an over, including a hat trick.  The beneficiary of this orgy of incompetent batsmanship had been Pete Bridge.  His run up owes more to John Cleese than John Snow and he generally delvers the ball from a yard behind the popping crease, but he finished with bowling figures of 5-15 and in spite of batting 12, the V&A were dismissed for 186 with one of their 35 overs unused.

Things began badly for the T&C innings, with Ross taking a neat leg side catch in Dennis’s second over to dismiss one of the openers, and gradually got worse.  Sadly they were lacking a couple of cable regulars, but James Hunt is capable of winning the match by himself.  He is a local farmer having taken over from his father and played for the V&A as a youngster, but we did not sufficiently nurture this talent and he now scores lots of runs up at Turville Park.  The V&A, incidentally, have learned their lesson and now pursue a proactive youth policy. We now aim to field at least three players under the age of 60 and no more than five suffering from significant infirmity.  

We thought we had our man when Hunt hoisted a friendly long hop high into the air.  Wicketkeeper Ashcroft minced carefully over to where the ball was due to land and with the benefit of a pair of large gloves it was surely, just a matter of waiting for the ball to land safely in them.  But no!  Somehow, at the crucial moment, he lost all use of his limbs and contrived to foul the whole thing up.  It could have been an important miss, but an over later Hunt played inside a straight one and was bowled. 

There is something rather homely about a good cricket tea, like a calorie laden security blanket which, from the cradle to the grave, never fails to reassure; and today’s was one of the ripest: a panoply of light, home made cakes, scones and other confectionary.  Josh’s father commented upon the fact that Larwood and Voce, the famed Nottinghamshire fast bowling pair, who had caused such a brouhaha during the ‘Bodyline’, had only bowled together in Test matches on a mere four occasions.  I happened to know this, because it had been mentioned by a television commentator during the most recent Test.  What is less well known is that Voce was a partner in no less than five tenth wicket century stands, a record which stands to this day.

After tea, dogged resistance from George Winters and some lusty hitting from Burnside only delayed the inevitable.  Winters, deciding eventually to hit out, lofted the ball to deep square leg in the general direction of Tom Bird.  It should be said that the only thing Tom has caught in the last couple of seasons is the occasional spring cold, but just as the ball appeared to he sailing over his head, he leaped, flung out a hand and to his great delight found the ball obligingly nestled within.  The rest of the battling folded without incident leaving the three ten year-olds, who made up an elongated tail, to demonstrate admirable straight of bats and see out the remaining overs, 72 runs short of their target.

Our thanks to Josh and his family who indulged the idiosyncrasies of village cricket and its players and all of whom were excellent company.  The final word goes to a couple of elderly ramblers, who had stopped mid-walk to watch the game, close to here I was fielding.  Pointing at one of our fielders, one said to the other,

“That man over there looks awfully like Michael Atherton.”

“No, it can’t be” said the other with finality, and they moved on.