V&A PLAYERS: N Emley (ill), A Taylor, N Bird, S Julka (captain), R Ashcroft, N P-G, T P-G, D de Caires, M Bowden, R Morris, L Nieboer, C Jonkers       

Lachlan Nieboer took his pads off after his dismissal and said, “I decided that we cannot be beaten by this lot”. Almost single-handedly, he ensured V&A victory. A victory that ebbed away and flowed back to the V&A twice in one game.

Did Sunil Julka ask the Chelsea Arts Club to bat on a wicket with a dry horizon but with a regolith that had retained the heavy rainfall of the previous days? Jonkers (1 for 21) hit a good line and found lift that accounted for Nott-Bower (9). Tom P-G (0 for 21) is finding wickets hard to come by this year. Nieboer (0 for 18)  and Julka (2 for 18) were as miserly as one would require in a 35-over game. Nieboer was the fiercest of the two, extracting bounce, movement, false shots and a call for a helmet by CAC newcomer J Small (56) in an engaging spell of quick stuff. Only one more wicket fell before lunch. Another Julka catch off his own bowling taken in the style if the GI in the Platoon film poster. The first casualty of war is the truth. This prompted a total bugger’s muddle (whatever that is) of a discussion at lunch about Platoon, FMJ and Apocalypse Now. No one involved could recall exactly who starred in which film with any certainty. All we were sure is that Mr. Sheen gave a most polished performance in ‘Hot Shots. Part Deux’.

There was indolence in the V&A fielding. N P-G and N Bird share first names, talk nonsense, cause offence and do naff all … well. Each dropped a catch. N P-G floundered on a dog’s hind leg of a boundary rope, while Bird dropped a harder chance because his feet snagged in rabbit holes. At least their match reports are different. My ironing is bad enough to have been warned against ironing. Julka had set the slipshod tone by forgetting which team he was captaining. He also put down a catch off his own bowling. Fiendishly tough, but not beyond the Julkatron’s abilities. CAC had reached 111 for 2 off 22 overs at lunch and looked set for a decent score, but their batsmen over-ate at lunch. Who would blame them? Kitty and Rupert had prepared a stunning lunch that surely must have gone over budget? I wonder… was Rupert was more or less a spectator in the kitchen than he was on the field after lunch? Offered two potential catches, he selflessly let others take them for him. Ashcroft took one for him at midwicket, despite being our wicket-keeper. Taylor (4 overs 3 for 7) ran back off his own bowling to leap dynamically and take a catch just 3 yards in front of Rupert. Andy Taylor’s 2016 bowling average is 2.72. Or possibly it is 2.27?. Higher than my batting average. Or possibly lower. It’s that tight.

When T P-G left the field with an injured ankle it meant a knackered Bowden (2 for 21) had to bowl more than he wished. Only T P-G and Nieboer went wicket-less, but the latter took two fine catches. Ashcroft snaffled 3 catches, one of which came about from commendable sportsmanship by J Greavey (30) who took the word of our keeper and deaf slip that he had nicked one. CAC’s implosion meant they reached only 134 for 9. They scored just 23 runs from their last 13 overs.

Excellent opening bowling from Greaney and Kulasingam stunted the V&A chase. Both bowled straight through leaving the V&A reeling at 41 for 3 off 14 overs. Greaney’s last six overs comprised 5 maidens, 1 run and 2 wickets. That the run rate even reached 3 an over was in part down to the torrid time Henry Dodson, the CAC skipper, was having behind the stumps. He let through 11 byes. A Taylor (1) and Ashcroft (5) were done by beauties from Greaney, though one of them fell to an LBW decision, so it can’t have been a beauty. Just poor umpiring. The other one went home early because he got out early. Morris (6) played 2 proper cricket shots before being caught at cover. Apparently de Caires (14) was disappointed to be given out caught behind, off his face. He hides the drink well.

Jonkers (44* off 14 overs) provided the acceleration and Julka (5*) the final blows that took the V&A to their target with 11 balls to spare, but it was Nieboer’s innings that guaranteed the V&A win. He often starts slowly then explodes into action. This time, he started slower than any of the club’s traditional crawlers, N Emley and N P-G. Emley did not play. He had been selected but had a late night on seeing that we had 12 players. The rule that anyone whose first name begins with ‘Ni’ should be the first to offer to stand down when the V&A are oversubscribed seems to be working.

Anyway, Lachlan’s innings was quite something. His first two scoring shots were sixes – in his 6th and 10th overs at the crease. By tea, he had scored 24 in 19 overs at the crease. His innings of 39 occupied 29 overs and he played just 14 scoring shots. He left the good ball well alone, dealt with the bad ball, and used extras to keep the board ticking over. From mid-innings, the run-rate was under control and there were wickets in hand.

So Man of the Match goes to Lachlan Nieboer for a bowling spell that checked the CAC innings when it may have taken off; for two good catches, for a perfect innings in the circumstances. In fact, there was little that Nieboer could do wrong in the day. Even his intentional misfielding antics brought laughs from the spectating CAC team.

Quote of the Day. Tom P-G was having some noxious liniment rubbed into his swollen ankle by Professor Bowden when he said, “Nicky, what was it you said about not accepting any medication from Martin?”

Other quote of the day. My Great-Great Uncle was vicar of St Michaels and St Mary Magdalene, Easthampstead. A plaque in his memory comprises illustration by William Morris and a dedication by John Ruskin. All this is utterly facile name dropping, but there is a Ruskin quote that might well have been Nieboer’s inspiration this week. “When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece”.