V&A PLAYERS:  N Bird (skip), R Ashcroft, R Noble, Adam Jacot, Louis Jacot, Martin Bowden, Chris Mousey-Thear, Andy Taylor, Nick Emley, R Morris, Tom Bird 

I WAS SKIPPER in a 35-over game on a glorious day. I managed to assemble a team of 14 on Wednesday, 13 on Saturday but for some reason when we started at midday we were a traditional eleven. So were the Hermits. They included that nice Mr Palmer who got so cross with us a couple of years back when he called us a bunch of wankers and cheats, after some perhaps over-enthusiastic V&A appealing. He was in the ball park with the ‘wankers’ bit but perhaps ‘cheats’ was unfair. Anyway, he was a bit distressed on Saturday by some umpiring eccentricities and by some facetious banter in the field but he did not combust. I’d had a word with our chaps beforehand and asked them not to be naughty and upset him; and in the main they didn’t, although Nick Emley managed to get up his nose by some loud ‘Howzats!’ from square leg. Mr Palmer was plumb LBW first ball (bowled by Andy Taylor) but Umpire Tony Bird declined the appeal because ‘the Hermits couldn’t afford another wicket’. Mr Palmer reminds one of Dryden: ‘Men are but children of a larger growth.’

Mr Emley was in Saturday’s Guardian in an article about prisoners of conscience. Emley got banged up in borstal for (allegedly) smacking a copper in the notorious Garden House demo against the Greek Colonels 30 years ago. I gather that at borstal the sexes are rigidly separated, there is a men’s side and a ladies’ side. Just like Boodles, but without the claret. I have spent a night in the slammer on four occasions – at Brighton, Chiswick, Paddington and Verbier – all for drink-related offences. Each cell had a toilet without a seat which I thought odd. The food was dire, nothing like the cucumber sandwiches that Emley prepared for us on Saturday, rising at 6 a.m. to do so, or Jane’s sumptuous, beautifully presented feast of a lunch. At Verbier I asked for the wine list but it never came, so I cannot comment on their claret, nor on the wines served in the other nicks; but if the wines are comparable to the food then the best one could expect is a Lambrusco Classico (perhaps not even a Classico).

Emley, by the way, was a bit wallyish in the field. I put him at deep square leg as Terry Blake, the Hermits’ skipper, was walloping a few. He duly hit one to Nick. There is a right way to catch a ball – which is to run towards the spot where the ball will drop, and let the ball plop into your palms; and there is a wrong way. Do not do as Nick did – totter forward and then fall face down in the grass, lying there unmoving while the ball drops behind and someone else has to retrieve it. Mr Emley had recently enjoyed a herbal cigarette and perhaps that had affected his performance. But in the Golden Ball afterwards (the Crown was closed for a wedding) Emley (and Rupert incidentally) were stunningly swift in a series of races with 8 year-olds. So he can cut it when the pressure is off, as he can in the nets. The trouble is the opposition often cheat when he’s batting and bowl one on the wicket. He was LBW to just such a crafty ball on Saturday.

Terry won the toss and elected to bat because his star bowler, Jamie Darton, hadn’t arrived. I thought this a mistake. They had a long tail and were unlikely to post a big score and make a day of it.

But I soon looked wrong. Their openers, Campbell and Farrell, batted soundly at 5 or more an over, with Louis Jacot and Chris Mounsey-Thear toiling in the sun to no avail. Then a beauty from Mounsey-Thear bowled Farrell and Louis bowled their No. 3 for a duck. Terry came in and although slow looked secure. A bowling change was needed and Martin Bowden came on at the Pishill end. In his first over he enticed two successive LBWs (generously if fairly given after unified and loud appeals). The hat-trick ball just missed off stump. Next in was big Sam Kier, a formidable hitter. Another bowling change brought on Andy Taylor, who had been keeping (Ross took his place). The turning point in the match arrived. If Sam stayed and scored briskly a score of 160 or so was likely. Sam hit a huge one to deepish mid-on. There stood Rob Noble, a two-times winner of the uncoveted V&A Duff Fielder of the Year Award (but also V&A Fielder of the Year 1998). He flapped his hands, he looked to the skies. I am afraid several of us were betting the family silver on him dropping the thing. But blow me down! He dived forward and caught it low down, rolling on the grass for the cameras. What a catch!

Thereafter the Hermits collapsed somewhat. We offered some kind bowling from Ross, and Andy was asked to bowl some pleasant spin but got a wicket first ball. Adam Jacot offered to assist the Hermits to a decent total but even he bowled a tail-ender with a guileful inswinger. We bowled them out for 88 – with Andy Taylor 4 for 7, and Martin 3 for 18.

Luncheon was taken outside and talk was of an article in the Henley Standard about the V&A book Flannelled Fools (£15 from Amazon). The article had resulted in orders flooding in. We have now sold two copies. There was a nice picture of Adam but his mother might have wished he’d shaved. She noted that most V&A players on Saturday seem to have lost their razor. The article banged on about Rupert’s patterned tights for some reason. It is never a good thing when you google someone and are directed towards an article about him wearing female underwear. I was accused of snitching on Rupert’s fetish, and of being obsessed with pants, of being some sort of pervert, a bicycle seat sniffer perhaps (called a ‘snarger’ in the trade). Not so. Bicycle seats are safe with me.

We opened with Rupert and Rob. Their opening bowlers were Jamie Darton and Brad Henderson. The latter moved it about and Jamie was fast. And good. Too good. He bowled Rupert for 0. Brad bowled Rob first ball. 2 for 0. Ross came in, smacked a lovely 4, but was bowled by Darton for 9. Enter Louis. He stroked a few beauties and ran energetically but was also bowled (for 17). Tom Bird glanced a lovey boundary before he failed to get his foot to the pitch and skied an easy catch to mid-on. Nick Emley was out for a duck. We were reeling on 40 for 6! Complacency and poor technique had let us down. Limpets like Emley and Noble, who we thought would anchor an end, had failed.

I advanced Andy Taylor up the order. Soon he and Chris M-T were playing percentages, whacking the loose one. And with the departure of their fine opening bowlers loose ones – from Blake and Brook – came along. We sniffed victory. And then a sudden flurry, a barrage of hitting, two successive 4s from Chris, four from Andy… and we were almost there. In a final over from Terry, Andy smacked two sixes to end the match.

The Hermits, Mr Palmer apart, are old friends, our oldest, we first played them in 1976. Terry Blake and Tim Squires, my brother-in-law, then had hair and could run. We have all passed a lot of water since then. I was at the V&A in the Exhibitions Department, curating a show on Victorian corsetry and lingerie, which prompted a lifelong interest.

Nicky Bird