PERHAPS IT WAS APPROPRIATE THAT ON JUNE 18, the 190th anniversary of Waterloo, the V&A played the Frenchified bohemians of the Chelsea Arts Club. Or perhaps not. For a quick poll of our opponents confirmed that – of their eleven – only two were or had been members of the Arts Club, five had never been near the place and two had never heard of it. One had never heard of Chelsea, and one wondered why the cricket club was named after President Clinton’s daughter. But we may, in the past, have had the odd player unfamiliar with the V&A’s collections or where it is….

Some things are reassuringly familiar. Such as the sound of David Maddocks, their captain, deciding the type of game we will play, the number of overs each bowler may bowl, the menu for luncheon etc. But Rob Noble, our skipper, compromised gently and Maddocks agreed on a 37-over game. Maddocks had rung to insist on a prompt start so we started 45 minutes late. For some reason he wasn’t wearing his trademark stripey jacket. But he did favour us with his eccentric bowling action – and much to Bowden’s chagrin got him out stumped.

It was a glorious day and the kites, circling low, thought so too. We were a bare quorum – ten – with the Betts family providing Olly, father Hugh and a boy of 13 called Kristen. Hugh and Kristen are perhaps more squad players than first team material at present. But their presence and keenness were much appreciated.

We went in first and Rob and Olly Betts faced some very threatening bowling from both ends, the taller chap bowling nasty short-pitched stuff from the Henley end. Rob bravely hooked one bouncer for 4 and ducked under a few others. Olly also fared well before being given out LBW by Umpire Kristen well forward, despite Chris Moore having given Kristen a lecture entitled ‘No LBW if ball hits front foot’. The best of our subsequent batting was by Adam Jacot and Martin Bowden who scored 43 and 40 respectively, with some big sixes to the long boundary, although James Nixey, Mooro, Linthwaite and Bird N all had their elegant moments. But Bird failed to hog the bowling at the end condemning Kristen to face 14 dot balls which should have gone for 25 odd runs. We scored 166, not enough and we knew it.

No Sarah Jenkins again, this time the excuse was a birthday party (!). That she preferred apple bobbing to catering and washing up is perplexing. Luckily Annette Jacot and Mrs. Betts pitched in with the tea making and clearing, for which many thanks. The saintly Mrs. Maddocks very kindly drove to Waitrose to purchase lavatory paper. Donna turned up at teatime, she and Rob had their tiff, and she left. Some things are reassuringly familiar.

Rob is a strict disciplinarian, and on the cricket field as well. Any sign of chatter in the slips and he’s down on you, and he chivvies slackers between overs. Adam thought he was more Sergeant Wilson than Captain Mainwaring but maybe a combination of Douglas Jardine, Napoleon and Peggy Mount….

Their innings started soundly but then Linthwaite caught yet another good catch (at square leg off Adam); their next batsmen was LBW off the next ball and things looked interesting. But in the penultimate over before tea one of their Aussie ringers hit Adam for 16 in an over and that rather changed things. We needed quick wickets, needed quick thinking but rather ballsed things up. There was a comic-opera moment when their batsmen found themselves together at the wicket-keeper’s end after a spot of confusion. The ball was picked up by Hugh Betts who needed to throw it to the bowler’s end. Instead he diverted it to a spot midway between the wickets. It was picked up by Adam who strangely still had time to walk to the stumps and knock the bails off for a run-out.Instead, when two yards from the wicket he chose to roll the ball some five feet to the left of the stumps towards the long grass. I am afraid that your correspondent made mock of Jacot and his cock-up. I wished I hadn’t when I then missed a stumping and generally had a day when I failed to live up to my own low standards. There is a theory that taking strong drink the night before keeping wicket is a boon because it relaxes. This proved to be untrue. You cannot actually see the ball.

Peter Linthwaite and Chris Moore both bowled consistently, Bowden was the most economical, Olly was accurate. But whoever was batting invariably smacked the loose ball with ease and they neared the total. Rob gave Kristen an over – he has the making of a good bowler – which turned out to be the last, thankfully, as it was perishing hot and the result was then inevitable. Mr. Maddocks had buggered off with his chums to the U2 concert so was unable to enjoy our sporting three cheers, the several jugs of ale we bought him and the official presentation of a new stripey jacket.

Next week yoof and Sarah Jenkins are back, Martin is skipper, I will try and keep off the booze and we are playing the elderly and confused gentlemen of The London Erratics so will be back to winning ways…