V&A PLAYERS: R. Ashcroft (C), R. Morris, J. Poynter, R. Smith, A. Wayland, N. Emley, L. Jacot, S. Julka, M. Bowden, N. Bird, T. P-G and D. de Caires.

The 12-man V&A beat the Andy Taylor XII by 7 runs in a keenly contested 35-over game. Everyone contributed in their own special and sometimes spectacular ways.

At 130 for 9, the Taylors needed 24 to win with capable batsmen, Green and Cooper, at the crease. Rob Taylor, their skipper, was still in the hutch ready to bat at 12. With the boundary miles back and a slow outfield, the V&A conceded only 15 runs and nipped home. That Rob Taylor did not get to bat was a relief to the V&A.

The Taylors won the toss and chose to bowl on a green top. After Poynter fell straightaway for a duck, breezy knocks by Roger Smith (14) and Wayland (not many) helped an assured Rupert Morris (18) take the score to 50 for 4 off 13 overs. Morris deployed his late cut to great effect and thrilled us all with a sweetly struck cover drive too. De Caires and Ashcroft took the aerial route and added a further 50 before a lunch that had all the qualities to qualify for consideration of Lunch of the Season. Megan and Joan pulled out all the stops with spread of hot and cold options, asparagus spears and some superb Minty Beetroot (pretty sure I met Minty at a Benenden Ball. Not recently though).

Nick Emley announced that he would retire for a while if he found himself batting while Jago was umpiring. The whole Club is desperate for Jago to recover his batting form partly because he may win an Umpiring App in the awards next year, but mainly because he cannot umpire while batting. Emley took to the crease when De Caires (34) was bowled by the sturdy Cooper, a man so laid back that his fielding featured him lying across the boundary rope for part of the innings. A new Emley spirit of adventure was demonstrated in his sprightly running between the wickets and run out of Ashcroft (37 inc. 2 big sixes). Julka (16 n/o) impressed in a tail that included an injured Bowden batting at 10. It was pleasing to see Martin change into his whites by 4pm out of his unsavoury farm-wear. Lucinda is clearly away.

The V&A closed on 153 for 8. Sethi, Colgan and Green bowled their 18 overs for 50 runs, but other bowlers were mauled. The Taylors cut the potential total by 40-odd owing to their youthful qualities of vigour, freshness and bounce in the field. Yet again a V&A regular upped his game against his own team, Andy Taylor bowling a wicket maiden.

The question was, could the aged V&A field well enough to restrict a batting line up with half a dozen notoriously strong hitters and swift runners in their ranks? A victory for the visitors would surely have been forthcoming if a few batsmen had followed the example of Fraser Comley, who mixed a little fortune with an array of powerful shots for a fine 62. Perhaps the stodgy wicket was responsible for 8 Taylor XI batsmen giving catches, three taken by Ashcroft behind the stumps and none better than the sliding effort by Poynter from a steepling shot by Andy Taylor. Nicky Bird took an outfield catch for the first time in 10 seasons, promptly left the field and drove home to pick up a rollover cash reward from his Father. Actually, this catch was quite special. Nicky moved at gully as though his laces were tied together, stumbled, fumbled, farted, fell with the ball in hand and was swamped by a stunned V&A team and their scorer. With 41 a highest partnership, and no other bat scoring more than 15, wickets kept falling to all V&A bowlers bar Bowden and Tom P-G. Then came the dramatic final two overs. Their number 10 was Cooper. By Christ he was a trooper. He ran a single, took a dive that left him in a stupor. (Adam, where are you? Is this the first time a Sex Pistol lyric has sneaked into a V&A report?).

The depth of V&A bowling options, our uncharacteristically consistent fielding/catching (Emley did dive to the left and the right) and the small matter of Rob Taylor not batting at the death saw the V&A over the winning line. The most pleasing aspect was the bowling of Louis Jacot. Adam, you need not hurry back. Your nephew took 3 for 32 off 7 overs including two swift edges to the keeper.

Other highlights and revelations were …

• Roger Smith telling us of his spell in an Atlanta prison for naked criminal trespass.
• Nicky demanding that any prison he may find himself in must provide decent claret, linen sheets and should be of the open variety.
• Dennis and Estelle had confused dogging with straightforward sex in a car.
• And there is no V&A consensus on the meaning of the word NONCE.

MAN OF THE MATCH? Fraser Comley. Louis did bowl well. Dennis had an all round good game with runs, catches and wickets, but his dissent cost him the award. He bowled a first spell of 5 overs, but argued with the scorer that he had bowled just 4 overs. I know, he knows and we all know what he was up to. He had seen the chance to pick up tail end wickets and so tried cheating an unlawful extra over from the scorer. He is a NONCE.

Why Fraser Comley? Spectating Taylor players uttered just one phrase of appreciation during their innings – NICE SHOT FRAZE. It was as if all their batsmen were called Fraze, but it was just the one. He single-handedly kept his team in the game for 25 overs before spooning Wayland under the covers. Sorry, spooned to Wayland in the covers. Well batted Fraser.

A special mention about V&A kit orders. Sunil originally ordered a size 42 long-sleeved sweater. He may have preferred a size 32 sleeveless sweater. Having sent his off for cleaning, Sunil Julka now has the best of both worlds, a size 36 short-sleeved sweater that very tightly knit, leaves nothing to the imagination and probably chafes.