The Hermits, founded some forty years ago in an Islington pub are the V&As longest standing opponents. They are also fed up with losing to us, their last victory being in 2009. On a chance meeting at Lords, Terry Blake warned Nicky Bird that to redress the balance they had co-opted some young butch titans. Whether this was merely the early skirmishes of a phoney war or whether Terry believed they had cricketers of mythological proportions waiting in the wings, it backfired badly. Bird put out a clarion call to fight brawn with brawn (I considered inviting a local friend by the name of Brawn) and at least twelve were mustered to put together what must be one of the strongest V&A sides in recent history, so strong in fact, that we could afford to leave out players of the calibre of N. Bird.

Martin Bowden had been chosen as captain, a job he carried out with a deft touch in not altogether straightforward circumstances. The Hermits won the toss and somewhat questionably chose to bat first. For the V&A, de Caires and Nieboer bowled with venom and precision on a pitch which was slow and spongy but with occasional irregular bounce. The first four overs saw only one leg bye and in the fifth, Campbell scooped the ball into the safe hands of Mounsey-Thear at cover. In de Caires’s following over Blake played over a yorker and was bowled leaving The Hermits at 6-2 off seven overs. In these circumstances it must be rather depressing for a club side to see Chris Mounsey-Thear introduced as a first change bowler and although he bowled as tightly as the openers, it was the rather more gentle bowling of Sunil Julka which induced the next two wickets, one being neatly held by Adam Jacot at square leg. A further two wickets on the stroke of lunch saw the Hermits reeling at 30-6 from 20 overs.

Lunch, the usual excellent spread provided by Sarah with Nicky acting as commis, was taken outside under blue skies and everyone apparently in good humour. This soon evaporated with the emergence of The Hermits’ number eight, one Palmer by name. Perhaps a piece of the excellent lunchtime beef had gone down the wrong way or maybe he had mistaken our match for a pub brawl. He first he took it upon himself to assume simultaneous roles as batsman and umpire, signalling wide whenever he missed the ball and loudly answering NOT OUT to each appeal. This he then extended to ticking off bowler and fielders for having the temerity to appeal against him in the first place, and eventually degenerated into an easily audible running commentary on the inadequacies, both cricketing and moral, of the V&A’s bowlers, wicketkeeper and fielders. Fortunately his batsmanship was about as good as his mood and he soon missed a straight one, departing with a valedictory salvo of abuse and the comment that he might decline this fixture in the future, doubtless to the relief of players on both sides [* see note below].

This comic interlude behind us, The Hermits’ innings folded easily with only Devan (44) and Henson (19) reaching double figures, the latter out to an excellent slip catch by Sunil off Nieboer. With only 99 required the remainder of the match was always likely to prove anticlimactic and so it proved. A good start from Julka and Taylor followed by a spritely 17 from Tom Bird and finished off by some lusty blows from de Caires saw the target overhauled with some seventeen overs remaining. The innings was split by a fine tea of homemade scones (thank you Stephanie), chocolate cake and flapjack. The only moment of comment was the alacrity with which Emley, as umpire, gave Lachlan Nieboer out to an LBW shout. Regular readers will recall that in the previous game Lachlan had run out Emley, perhaps not entirely by chance.

All differences were forgotten, as they should be, over a foaming pint at the Crown, just as the first convoys of camper vans descended to blight the Stonor valley for their annual VW rally.

Christiaan Jonkers

* As an addendum to the incident with the stroppy bloke may I add the view of the umpires – ANTONY AND NICHOLAS BIRD, whose report has gone to the Committee.

Terry Blake, Hermits skipper, said that Mr Palmer is the nicest and most urbane of men off a cricket pitch. Unfortunately on a pitch he sort of loses it. The ball and appeal that triggered his explosion of rage (and accusations of cheating) was bowled by Christiaan. It was probably going down leg and hit around knee height but it was a fair if optimistic appeal which Antony turned down. Mr. Palmer then called Christiaan a wanker and cheat and unsporting and a host of other words unprintable on a family website, and added for good measure that the whole V&A were fucking wankers and tossers, which I thought fair comment so let it go. Umpire Bird told Palmer that the appeal had been turned down so what was he so fussed about. This did not assuage his ire. The poor man got himself into a right state, so much so that Andy Taylor bowled him with a quicker one when he was still distressed. He then trudged back to the pavilion without a smidgeon of dignity, and when he arrived there shouted more abuse and said he would never play these c*nts or play at Stonor again, which is a terrible loss to us and he will be much missed. His a-ranting and a-raving might have disturbed a kite or two which is of no consequence, and Sarah Jenkins and Estelle de Caires hear worse at home, but Nick Emley was present and I do not like to see this courteous cove upset by coarseness. NB