V&A PLAYERS: Andy Taylor, Rob Taylor, Nick Emley, N P-G [skip], Lachlan Nieboer, C Jonkers, S. Julka, D. de Caires, Tom P-G

The scorebook records the weather as warm, sweaty and almost foreign. The setting was as blissful as ever. All the V&A needed was good company and a tight game to complete the dream. The National Theatre was the finest of company, but could not match the strength in depth of the 9-man V&A team on the day.

Skippers Peter Singh and Nick P-G did not toss, but agreed that V&A would bat first in a timed game. An hour later, questions were being asked whether Nick Emley understood the difference between a timed game and a timeless game. The V&A batting order was set by age order. Initially. We may feel that we ought to bat higher, bowl more overs or umpire less, but we keep shtum. Petulant Lachlan Nieboer (1981) did not. Thankfully, his David Essex neckerchief was tight enough to stop his neck exploding with rage. Of our openers, Emley (1951) was dropped on 5, but imposed himself with a stoic run-an-over knock. Sadly, Martin Bowden (1950) and Dental Caires (1957) fell early. Martin top edged to the keeper for 3 while DDC played a classic lofted off drive, but was bowled. In fairness, batting proved tricky on a wicket offering plenty and bowlers offering nothing. As per usual, Adam Jacot lifted his game playing against the V&A, bowling 5 steady overs for the Nash before lunch for 20 runs and bowling the promising Rob Taylor (1987) for 14 with a Jacot Jaffa.

Lunch courtesy of Cath P-G. Lovely. One of the best lunches she has ever made me.

V&A 44 for 4 off 20 overs. Emley 18*. Nieboer 1*. Some NT bowlers took home made cider at lunch. The ethnicity of the Premier League and of the wife and children of Nige Farage were discussed.

The batting order fiasco was merely a ruse to wind up Nieboer. He smashed 84 in 11 overs, inc. 5 sixes and 8 fours. And he ran out Emley (19 runs from 21 overs). His method of dismissal, run out from a reverse paddle, is excused because of his performance. A century partnership with Andy Taylor (1989) transformed the scoring rate from 2ish an over before lunch to 10 an over after the break. The only bright spot for NT was a duck for birthday boy Christiaan Jonkers (1974). Enzo Nicoli, 7 overs 1 wicket for 10, turned down a second spell for reasons we can only guess. Amid the carnage, Andy Taylor crafted a fine undefeated 50 before the V&A innings closed on 200 for 6 off 35 overs, far too much for the NT as it turned out.

Jacot simply would not shut up all day. Boundary is too short (he didn�t clear it while batting); you cannot borrow one of our fielders; you must bowl Emley; No, you cannot bat your lowest scoring batsman twice. We need Nicky Bird interpersonal skills to shut him up, so more than one player from either side told him to shut the fuck up.

For the NT to score 200 in 1 hour and 20 40 overs, they needed their top order to fire. With V&A a man, then 2 men short, NT would have plenty of gaps in the field and there were certainly fewer demons in the pitch by 3pm. They did not fire because their top three were strangled by the inswing of our pantomime appealer, Jonkers, and skittled by debutant Tom P-G (1995).Tom was thrown the new ball to bowl his off spin down the hill and he soon accounted for Jacot (LBW decision, wholly fair by Greg Wise) and Peter Singh. John Langley could not resist going for the undefended leg side boundary and was bowled off his pads for 11. After 7 overs, Tom had taken 3 for 22 but could have made it a five-fer on debut if he had held a sharp return catch and Rob Taylor had mistimed his dive (and initial movement) for another catch. Jonkers ended his spell with a massive appeal, legs stretched wide, crotch hole gaping. His birthday match was no fairy tale. The inevitable Not Out call left Jonkers to chunter off to fine leg asking himself (loudly) WHAT IS THE POINT?

V&A bowled 20 overs in an hour but could not encourage the NT to hit out. Nieboer could extract no life from the wicket. Julka picked up the wicket of Maddock, who resembled and batted like a whaler. De Caires induced a regulation catch for first slip only for it to pass through the place where a first slip would be but was not because Dennis had told his skipper that of all his field placings he really did not need a first slip (apologies for punc.tuat-ion). Everyone bowled, even Nicks Emley P-G, but a draw it was, the NT 117 for 5 off 40.

What might have made a difference? A declaration? Probably. Opening the bowling with Nieboer & de Caires? Maybe. More attacking fields? We were 1 and 2 men short. Better umpiring? Christiaan would say so. Who cares? We all had a game.

I played cricket with my son for the first time. He had a wonderful day and was made extremely welcome by both teams. He bowled off spin like a bowler. His damaged hand was fixed by the healing hands of Dr. Bowden. Christiaan said that he has not seen spin of such quality at Stonor before. A nice sentiment, but we must not forget Peter Linthwaite.

Champagne Moment. The LBW of Adam Jacot.
Man of the Match. Andy Taylor – a fine innings and 40 overs keeping wicket.

Only a few made it to the Crown for afters. Some were off to 70th birthday parties (our top order), some to their own fortieth parties (middle order), Enzo departed with bunga bunga in mind (out of order) while I left a proud Dad.

Nick P-G

PS. Nick Emley. 3 innings – run out by a diffferent player each time. This is bullying and must stop.