Tom Bird said arrive to start play at 1pm sharp, which was either a mistake or a lie to get Jonkers to turn up on time. Embarrassing ourselves with poor timekeeping against our Stonor CC hosts was the least of our worries, though.

A ramshackle X1 at the best of times, our bank holiday Sunday outfit was a mixture of those who had never played cricket together and those who looked like they had never played cricket.

That said, we started well, with Jasper sporting a large brown Surrey hat, leaning his full weight into the new ball and walking ferociously between the wickets as the ball continuously threatened the moist boundary. His partner, Rory, took kindly to some early (or late) buffet, making up for the lack of customery Saturday lunch, plonking the ball into the parked cars. He was out going for one too many, bringing Ed Shepherdson to the crease. Ed has played well against us and for us, tonning up against the Bacchus (though that says little). His girlfriend said Ed was very nervous about his batting in the car up from Surbiton. Tetlow, reassuring her, said he was looking very good out there, forgetting the cardinal rule to never say anything positive whatsoever whilst they are batting, particularly with the ball mid flight. Bowled. Jasper remarked to Tetlow, as he entered, that it was a “stupid shot to play on this wicket” (pulling a length ball on middle stump) and then Jasper himself was dismissed, with Tetlow silent at the other end as the long march of expletives back to the Marlboro Gold’s began. Suddenly we had gone from 58-1 to 59-3.

Perry Gleeson walked in at 14 years old and did well to either miss or edge every ball through to third man for a few overs. When Tetlow thinned one through to the keeper for 1, it didn’t look very smart. Was there to be a heroic stand from Gleeson Snr, joining his son in the middle order? No. Out. Irwin Sheriff was next, with a stiff WG Grace like stance, but not much else. He was able to get in line and prod or club a few for  respectable 11.

Then, as if it couldn’t get much worse, their bowler “Taylor” came on. Presumably held back, he had the gait of a wily South African sports coach who’d played a gallon of club cricket and AB De Villiers was his bunny back in school cricket. Not much resistance was offered to his spin, doing for P Gleeson (12), C Jonkers (0) and D Scott (0) in succession. A hat trick.

Jonkers had, of course, been warned by skipper Tom Bird that this guy was “decent” (he could actually land and turn it) and to be watchful, so Jonkers naturally tried to hit him straight back over his head first ball and was caught. Tom didn’t really know what to say to Dominic – but by the time Enzo was up the other end at 11, Tom had resorted to shouting out batting instructions with the ball in mid flight. All out for 92.

“Something to defend” was the optimistic analysis as tea was drunk and sandwiches and scones consumed at the break. Nicky began recruiting for the next Stonor quiz, tapping up youngsters who would know a thing or two about “pop culture”. He’s still looking. Jonkers was mildly unimpressed about everything, particularly at being called Belgian (not Dutch). Tetlow sympathised. A recent study found Brits consider Belgians to be the ugliest nation in Europe. The same study found every other European nation think that honour, in fact, falls to the Brits.

We often talk about beauty at Stonor. Nicky about V&A players’ wives and girlfriends. Nicky about opposition wives and girlfriends. Nicky about that girlfriend that left him for Mick Jagger. Nicky about anyone he’s ever interfered with at the Leander. But the greatest beauty of all, apart from the view of Lord Camoys’ deer strewn hills, is Jonkers bounding up from the Henley end with his tousled moustache and white cotton trousers being tonked for four. The Brits are wrong, the Belgians really are a thing of beauty.

In fairness, Jonkers got the first breakthrough, Tetlow holding on to one at backward point. 34-1. Enzo bowled better than he fielded and was unlucky not to get a wicket in his first spell. On one occasion he hit the deck in the outfield with such exaggerated effect, one wondered whether an Italian family feud had been settled in the Chilterns.

Those that can bat, can often bowl and vice versa. Ed Sheperdson is no exception and his burly in-swinging Yorkers did for Taylor at 3, within his first over. Perry Gleeson, again no exception, was even better with the ball in hand than bat – and flew in off a long run to deliver consistent line length and zip. The combination slowed Stonor’s progress and Gleeson had the opener trapped Lbw for 31, going for one too many leg side hoiks.

There was some hope, but resolute (if very defensive) batting and a series of missed catches and stumpings took the game out of reach. Sean Gleeson was unfortunate to see a catch dropped. Enzo snaffled a stumping after the keeper and slips talked the batsman into a “six to win” mindset. Christiaan got an LBW, returning with non-spinning spin. As the sky darkened and it began to spit with rain, the BBQ smoke and crowds gathered to clap the players off. A game that never really sparked into life, but a deserved victory for Stonor CC who will have bragging rights until next year.