V&A PLAYERS: Adam Jacot (captain), Nick Emley, Christiaan Jonkers, Tom Bird, Chris Mounsey-Thear, Lachlan Neiboer, Dennis de Caires, Nick Constantine, Phil Goodliffe, Sean Mayana, Norman Reed, Nicky Bird (12th Man).

The world of cricket is rather light on sibling rivalries. There were the Waugh’s, of course, from a time when The Bogans played a form of cricket that didn’t vaguely resemble the histrionics of a soap-opera. It isn’t received wisdom that Cain and Abel fell out over a backyard cricketing squabble, but I think there’s a lot that The Old Testament isn’t telling us. Liam and Noel Gallagher are more into the sport where you fizz a pig’s bladder around with your foot. They fizz tambourines at one another too, so they must have decent arms. Wasted talent.

The Jacot de Boinots, by contrast, play it hard and fair. Adam, our skipper for the day against The All Sorts XI, refrained from any scurrilous remarks as his brother took the crease. He did say loudly that his brother ‘plays it upishly’ on the drive, though, so have some of that! He did as well, with their Jacot dismissed by our Jacot, caught in the covers doing just what Adam said he would.

The V&A opened proceedings, in bright sunshine, with a truly constricting bowling attack. Dennis de Caires (3-19) and Lachlan Nieboer (0-10) turned the screw on their opening pair from the first ball. The scoreboard dribbled along. In fact, the only thing that broke the rhythm of the ball being released, the ball beating the bat and the fielders strangling their appeals (from fine-leg) were the wickets taken. Christiaan Jonkers (3-25) and Chris Mounsey-Thear (0-22) followed suit. Christiaan has one of the more stylish appeals I’ve ever seen. Such is the unabashed finality with which he says, “How was that?”, hands on hips, that the Umpire would be foolish not to recognise a foregone conclusion when CJ presents him with one. He has also made an early season dash to be crowned Club Dandy, sporting his (rather slim) V&A tie around his waist. He claims it is because the proportions of his posterior are out of kilter with his waist, so there’s always a bit of space to tackle. I think he just wants to look like W. G. Grace. Adam Jacot (2-11) bowled with his customary accuracy and I (1-7) did some erratic stuff off a short run-up. All was rosy; the morning session belonged to a V&A in ebullient form.

                     Interlude: ‘The Sledge Sessions, Vol. 1’

Jonkers was especially tight (not on his favoured Burgundy, you understand), and when he dismissed a particular batsman with a gem, said bat was overheard saying: “Christ! Unplayable!” Nick Emley, who took a splendid catch at slip, had a bit of a chortle at this one. He thought the batsman had simply missed a straight delivery. Christiaan, the picture of modesty, agreed. But, given the opportunity for a parting shot, Nick was up to the mark with a friendly ‘perhaps for you it was, mate’. In response, the batsman (who shall remain nameless at this stage) was overheard muttering an aggravated ‘You cunt!’, whilst trudging off the square.

Lunch saw the return of our very own Sarah Jenkins. She is to the long table what kids these days call the ‘MVP’. Cold roast beef, Brussels pâté, ‘slaws, salads and a sizeable wheel of Brie completed an enticing spread. Nicky Bird also provided spuds, because carbohydrates are part of a balanced diet, and he cares about his men at arms. We all so look forward to Sarah’s catering that it’s a shame to have to go out and field afterwards. Thank you, Sarah! 

Conversation took a slightly bizarre turn to ‘grown-ups’ having tattoos. Dennis claims that he wants to get an eagle, wings akimbo, stuck to his shoulder blades. Why? So that he can one day bowl with his shirt off and make it look like said eagle is enjoying the glories of flight. “It’s an identity thing”, apparently, but it doesn’t sound very grown up. I ventured that I’d like to get several but my Mother wouldn’t allow it. Norman reminded me that I’m 25 and that I should grow a pair. He’s probably right.

Our go at the crease started well. After being threatened with fifth in the order I put my toys back in the pram and trotted out to open with Sean Mayana. Sean is a fascinating individual who told me that he’d taken a ‘break from cricket’ (isn’t that just ‘the winter’?) to study The Knowledge over the past few seasons. I didn’t think it polite to suggest that there was enough time between deliveries at Stonor to do London, a district at a time; but there you go. Sean (9) timed the ball sweetly before chasing a wide one. Then Lachlan (0) left one in Boycott’s corridor and it nipped back off a length, castling him. Chris Mounsey-Thear came to the wicket with bat in hand to show his little girl how Daddy does it. Incidentally, Mounsey plays cricket in two shirts – a long-sleeved number and a short-sleeved one on top. When questioned as to why he stated that it’s the equivalent of Bikram Yoga for casual cricketers… it just hasn’t taken off yet. I remain sceptical, but it isn’t as blatant a sartorial eccentricity as Christiaan’s tie. Timing the ball was tough but we skipped along at five an over to take tea at 78-2 with twenty overs to go.

On reflection, tea is the enemy. It is far too tempting to forgo the tea and have a beer and a fag instead. Quite right, too. But Father Time atop the pavilion must have had a wry smile on his face as we took to the turf once more. The slow right arm of Runkel (of expletive fame) made a mockery of our middle order. I probably shouldn’t have laughed at his first ball, which barely made it to the popping crease. I was bowled (35), then Tom Bird (0) clipped one to mid-wicket in consecutive balls. Chris Mounsey-Thear (26) middled one to deep square-leg and Nick Emley (3) fell swiftly afterwards. In fact, everyone did. It seems sadistic to trot out everyone’s scores, but suffice it to say that we were nine wickets down with seven runs still remaining, having added only twenty-odd since tea. Jonkers faced up to the return of their rather erratic opener. He bowled two wides, a no-ball that afforded an extra single, and two further wides. The scores were tied at 105. Jonkers off stump was knocked back. The game was tied.

Dennis suggested that in my previous match report it was the first time that a member of the V&A had called for the assassination of a living President (Putin, and I stand by it). I can categorically say that it is another first for me: I’ve never been involved in a tie. One of our number who has corked away several more vintages than me will have to advise if there has, in fact, ever been a tied game at The V&A. I have also never witnessed a man take 4-15 off seven overs, bowling at less than 40mph. The mind boggles. Perhaps there’s some merit in that saying about cutting the head off the snake…