V&A PLAYERS: Your Lord And Saviour (Skip) Nick Emley. His Apostles Were Onward Christiaan Jonkers, (C)Ross Ashcroft, Rob The Noble, Greg The Wise, Doubting Thomas P-G, Jacot The Elder, Jacot The Younger, Andrew The Taylor – Who Fished With Roger (The One They Call Kevin) Smith And Last But Not Least, The Revolutionary Santo Dennis De Caires With His Faeries Breviaries. 

V&A CC is in good health but is prone to getting into a buggers muddle, whatever that looks like. We thought we had a weekend off. The London Erratics knew otherwise. Some blamed the Fixture Secretary, who blamed the person that commissioned the fixture cards, who technically said everyone could fuck off.

Our choice of skipper was also muddled. Rupert Morris had volunteered to captain after our last game. This new fixture caught Rupert out as he was in France on match day, so the V&A was forced into a secret ballot to decide if we would have Rupert skippering by Skype from France or Nick Emley skippering in person. The threat of Rupert buffering for hours due to the piss poor signal available in Stonor led the V&A to vote in the Emley option.

The London Erratics were founded a year before the V&A – FOR RECREATION AND REFRESHMENT. Both teams had a mix of energetic cubs (raddled by their Friday night excesses) and wily old foxes (raddled by decades of things they have forgotten). At 11.35, there were 20 cricketers and Adam Jacot on site.

James Rivington won the toss for the Erratics and put on his pads to bat first in a 35 over game. He removed his pads in the first over from de Caires. The Erratics stuttered to 44 for 4 due to wickets from de Caires, Jonkers and Tom P-G. I missed these wickets as I had pootled over the road to take arty and intrusive photos of the game from distance. While there, I bumped into our landlord, the 7th Lord Camoys, hand weeding his deer park. The unwanted invasive weed was Comfrey. We chatted about the expense of maintaining publicly accessible parkland. My t-shirt read HELL YES, I AM VOTING LABOUR. Good PR courses through the veins of the V&A.

The very strong ale that Jonkers took during his bowling spell might account for his one minor fielding error, but does not explain the fielding omnishambles from the rest of the V&A (our wickie Greg Wise and Roger Smith excepted). Nicky was livid. He saw 12 missed run outs. Ashcroft took a steepling catch without calling and so flattened Rob Noble, who also failed to call. Lee, Khawaja, Comley and Scudamore scored the runs, but Nichal Sethi fell for a duck to Tom P-G. Sethi played for the Andy Taylor XI earlier this season. His batting was not up to much then. His bowling was. Perhaps the Erratics were 94 for 6 off 21 overs at lunch.

I found no need to pick up Radio Bird at lunch because he was on hand for spectators, autograph hunters and loose women throughout the whole match. Our stunning lunch was laid on by Jane, ably supported by Estelle and Odille.

No wickets fell after lunch as Tim Green (44*) and the affable Aussie, Brian Berrigan (25*) found no trouble rebuilding their innings. Green plays the ball late, has a good repertoire of shots and has not been dismissed by the V&A in two innings this year. Berrigan played some lovely on drives. This pair added 72 and took the Erratics to a total of 166 for 6. Our bowling was OK apart from the second spell from de Caires (3 overs for 23). The fielding became so rotten that the Erratics scored 20 more than they should have done. The livid Nicky called for a fielding boot camp till dark after the game. Players who just spectate for the day are the harshest of critics.

Chasing down 167 on a good wicket in beautiful weather looked easy as the dashing Louis (30) and Adam Jacot (16) opened up at 7 an over. Adam has two scoring shots. He turns balls on middle or leg round the corner. Anything off stump is either patted back or driven hard in an arbitrary manner. Ross believes there to be giant cogs in his brain that periodically clunk into the mode called TWAT THIS ONE!

The wheels then came right royally orf. 49 for 1 became 66 for 6 as Sethi ripped out the top order and Berrigan tied up the other end. Andy Taylor (1) slashed hard at his good mate Sethi to the keeper; Ashcroft (2) popped one up to gully; Emley strode out to restore order only to feather edge to the keeper. Umpire Bird spouted his habitual I DID NOT AND CANNOT HEAR IT, while Emley (0) offered a I COULD NOT LIE SO I WALKED. Greg Wise (1) fell to the first ball after tea and Jonkers (8) shone briefly leaving the V&A on 92 for 7. The Erratics caught everything, including two off high no balls. An enraged Nicky now called for a post match batting boot camp, to boot.

Nicky need not have dropped a bollock, as it were. The more astute observers among us (notably their fine scorer Robert Waller, and myself, of course) spotted that Rivington had committed the cardinal captaincy cock-up of bowling out his best bowlers too early. As de Caires (56*) feasted on the tiring Green and beasted the buffet Scudamore, so he atoned for his fixture cock up and shabby second spell. He loves a reverse sweep, does our Dennis. He loved one so much he stood in his crease to see it just about limp over the boundary .. with Roger Smith (24*) standing by him … in the same crease.

Roger behaved like an Aussie while facing Rivington. He claimed he had spotted movement behind the bowler and stepped back. Nothing could be seen but perhaps a lone poppy in Pishill had swayed in the breeze. He backed away inexplicably from another, muttering NAH. FUCK THAT MATE. DON’T LIKE THAT ONE. TOO GOOD FOR ME. It went on to hit the stumps. This pair put on 77 and won the game for the V&A by 3 wickets and with 2 overs to spare.

A well balanced game was discussed in the Crown afterwards. What did we learn?

• Adam Jacot reckoned he had spotted the Changing Room Thief late in the day. His eyesight is failing like his fielding. He had just accused our lovable and only slightly shifty Ernie Franklin of theft.
• Nichal Sethi was bowler of the day for his 4 for 29 off 7 overs.
• Either team might have won it. The Erratics would have certainly won if the two no-ball catches had been allowed. One call was border line. Nicky is on a umpiring boot camp this week.
• Adam Jacot likes being talked and written about.
• Nick Emley. Oh, Nick. It is because I admire your relaxed batting and shrewd captaincy so immensely that I feel you will welcome a morsel of my constructive criticism. When you are skipper, please do not have a bet that your team is going to lose. And, having lost your ill-judged wager, settle up pronto. You owe Ross £10 and your players an apology for your lack of faith in them.
• All V&A players present had paid their subs at close of play. Adam Jacot has paid of course.
• I did call Dennis de Caires a NONCE in an earlier report. I stand by this and now add PONCE for his ridiculous reverse sweep shenanigans. But his unbeaten and match-winning 50 makes Dennis de Caires our Man of the Match this week.
• Adam Jacot has been mentioned in reports more often than Peter Linthwaite, Peter Mandelson and Peter Popoff this season.

Nick P-G