V&A PLAYERS: Roger Smith, Tom Bird, Christiaan Jonkers [Skip], Jago Poynter, Andy Taylor, Rob Taylor, Nick Emley, Louis Jacot, Adam Jacot, Dennis De Caires, Martin Bowden, Tom P-G, N Bird (sub fielder)

The Invalids, a wandering side, were founded in 1917 by two wounded British officers lying in adjoining beds in a base hospital. So in this anniversary year of the Great War we salute them for having nearly made it to a century.

The V&A mustered 13 with me but 12 without – I umpired as did the wounded Chris Mounsey-Thear who has broken something mentionable but cannot recall what. The promised sun only came out when the game was over. Despite the greyness we lunched outside on the orders of the tea lady who determines these things. She got the opposition to carry the tables out, which is the sort of test that separates officer material from Other Ranks. They failed to make officer grade, getting the tables hopelessly stuck in the pavilion entrance. We played a 35-over game because their agreeable skip, Richard Charlton (in the absence of their Chairman for Life Richard Durdon), had his thirtieth birthday party to go to, The theme was Greek national costume, which is a sort of tutu. If that is a bit gay the trad smashing of crockery is quite butch.

We fielded, and opened with Jonkers and Louis Jacot. The Invalids were pinned down by accurate bowling and soon wickets fell. Jonkers got a caught and bowled and Jacot bowled a beauty to dismiss their other opener. And when Tom P-G bowled two of the best balls seen at Stonor, they were soon reeling on 20 for 4 and in deep doodoos. To make matters worse Roger Smith bowled their No. 6 and T P-G picked up their No. 7. But their skipper was in imperious form. He is a majestic bat and two on-drives will live in the memory. Skipper Jonkers, perturbed that our day might be unacceptably short, encouraged Dennis to bowl some of his slow shite which Rickard stroked all over the ground. Suddenly they threatened to smack a decent total but Bowden bowled Richard with his first ball, and he and Dennis, now bowling his virile Tysonesque rockets, picked up their elderly tailenders and they were all out for a measly 107. Dennis had arrived in the ground less than gruntled because he blamed his missus for making him late, but he perked up with a nice catch off Tom P-G and when he bowled their last man with a scorcher he looked a lot less grumpy. The de Caires family, parents and daughter Odile, had been pleased to see, playing for the Invalids, the history master at St Pauls who had taught her. A man called Mr Bromley. Mr Bromley was interested to know his nickname amongst the girls. There was an awkward silence. I think he might have been known as Dickhead or something, because Odile would not say.

Lunch was good, the usual fare, ham and etc. but if it didn’t reach the Arcadian heights of a Megan luncheon or a Stephanie tea it was nonetheless more than adequate. I missed some splendid catching by our side, because I spent some of the Invalids innings sucking up to the tea lady, some minutes trying to do the brainy Telegraph crossword with Annette, and some time being shagged by Sarah’s wretched little dog. I also inspected the new plush ladies lav (the attendant being absent) with its framed old master painting, marble floor and candelabra.

Adam Jacot complained that whereas I used to be rude in Match Reports about him and Peter Linthwaite, now it is only him because Peter does not play anymore. But Adam did not bowl so I cannot be offensive about that, and his fielding was no worse than usual and he did not bat long enough to warrant comment. His brother Simon had another rant about the perfidy of opinion pollsters. He thought them a bunch of lying bastards and fuckers and fraudsters robbing their clients and conning the public. I paraphrase his words as this is a family website.

We opened with Jago Poynter, the ceramicist, and Rob Taylor, architect. Their bowling was goodish, but not so good as to excuse a woeful shot by Jago that go him caught, or Adam, who replaced him, being bowled by a straight one. Or indeed the appalling swipe by Rob that bowled him for an otherwise decent 15. Dennis tried to steer a ball to leg but tossed it up to the keeper, and Bowden was caught and bowled for 4. Thank God for the patience and skill of Andy Taylor who kept our tally ticking along. We were 70 for 5 and seemed to be coasting when suddenly Emley, in an uncharacteristically bold sweep to leg was neatly caught and then Tom Bird, in a characteristically bold wallop to cow corner, was also nicely caught.

We were 74 for 7 and things were looking dicey. In came Louis Jacot. Andy told him to concentrate, not to do anything daft. He obeyed orders, so while Andy smacked some fine boundaries to edge nearer their total, Louis just hit the loose one. The winning runs were two wides but it was Andy wot done it, won the match, with 47 not out. However, Richard Charlton was Man of the Match for a chanceless and elegant innings that reminded me of watching Plum Warner before the war.

Next week is the Hermits, whom we have played for 40 years. Adam saw the Hermits at Lords on Friday, drinking heavily on the grass behind the pavilion, and boasting of their new ringer. This is less alarming than it sounds. 27 years ago they brought a supposedly deadly ringer to play us at Turville. It was a young Adam Jacot. We won.

Nicky Bird