The Andy Taylor XI are great company of mixed cricketing ability. With an average age of about 25, they have unlined foreheads, bagless eyes and supple limbs, to sound a Gary Glitterish note. They may have lacked bowling in depth, but they could all run, dive and throw. They could all move. V&A pre-match talk was about the threat of the Taylor brothers. Rob Taylor did not distinguish himself.

The V&A team bestowed on our fortunate skipper, Ross Ashcroft, had an average age of around 48 and was boosted by the inclusion of the talismaniac Andy Fraser, and the ageless Peter Linthwaite.

The Andy Taylor XI was relatively untroubled as they overhauled the 177 target by 5 wickets and with 8 overs to spare in a timed game. Their reply was built around 43 by A. Taylor, a lovely 50 from Sethi that included 2 beautiful square drives, 29 from a Cooper shaped like a keg, and 26 from Tim Green (a sometime V&A player). De Caires bowled an awful opening spell in new boots, but improved as the Barefoot Buddhist Bowler later on. Jonkers looked certain to invite a snick off the outside edge of their left-handers but was dealt with harshly by Sethi. TP-G, Bowden and Jacot each took a wicket, but we simply could not control their run rate through strangulation or regular wicket taking.

Our fielding was not impressive. Only 5 outfielders could throw farther than 30 yards. N. Bird was starved of an audience in the outfield, catches were dropped or missed by NP-G and Bowden. Jacot entertained with some sliding stops, but disgraced himself with an embarrassing nutmeg. An air of fatalism crept into the V&A fielders and the ATXI cantered to victory.

Their target of 177 had been set in a dysfunctional V&A innings that sprawled into 49 overs. NP-G (1) played round/over/nowhere near a straight one. Greg Wise (17) looked set for a fine debut until caught in an over that featured 4 wides. De Caires (3) was run out by Ross. [NB. At time of going to press it has been 16 days since Emley has been run out at Stonor.] Jonkers was stuffed by the grubber of the year for a Golden Duck. 4 down for 84 at lunch with Ashcroft 22 not out (Emley, take note). The ATXI bowled 22 wides before lunch. Greg Wise was renamed Greg Wide as he umpired for over half of our innings. He preferred to watch cricket than listen to bilge on the boundary.

Meaty and veggie lasagne, fine salad and couscous the size of feline balls proved the basis of a stunning lunch provided by Megan, her bump and her Mother-In-Law. Quite simply an awesome effort appreciated by all. Lunch ended when Nicky brought up the Battle of the Bulge and Lucinda exclaimed – WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? While pointing at an inanimate object resting on the Plinth-Weight midriff.

Bowden and Ashcroft rebuilt with a 50 partnership that was broken when A. Taylor bowled Ross behind his bum for a steady but necessary 34 off 32 overs. A. Taylor tends to bowl leg-side when bowling his leg breaks. Leg spinners do that but it has not been fully appreciated by R. Taylor. While keeping wicket to his Bro. Rob hollered, WHY CAN’T YOU FUCKING BOWL AT THE OFF STUMP? We hope Rob keeps that sort of filth to himself when he returns to the V&A fold, if selected.

The V&A innings fired up once the mighty Andy Fraser strode to the crease. He does and did bat well (28). And so did Bowden, though both were hampered by injury. N. Bird struck a sweet straight drive before tapping a sharp chance back at A. Taylor, who also claimed Bowden and Plinth-Weight. A reluctant TP-G was 0 not out. All too few too slowly for the V&A.

Given the huge mismatch in athleticism between the teams, Ross can take heart in how he marshalled his grizzled veterans. The V&A would have won this game if we had taken all 10 wickets for under 177, but we did not.

Though Andy Taylor and his energetic crew were triumphant, the Longest Day was truly an Andy Fraser Red Letter Day. His achievements in full:

Pencilled in to open, he arrived late and last. Then told Ross – I DO NOT BAT BEFORE LUNCHEON.

He requested a runner before going out to bat at 8.

Frequently called TWO! off his own bat, but did not reciprocate for Martin.

His 4 minute march to the pavilion on dismissal was perhaps over-egged.

If the ball went past him in the field, he would call YOURS! – to Nicky!

By 6pm we all knew he had a torn muscle, strained tendon, split ligament…

He took a stunning slip catch. He then described the catch in minute detail before asking Nicky – CAN I TALK YOU THROUGH IT? No, said Nicky, you are becoming a fucking bore.

For that catch and his (Vauxhall) cavalier innings, Andy Fraser is the V&A Man of the Match.

He did not make it to the pub to pick up his award, but his pal Ian Bell collected it for him. Andy is now in traction at the MCC Infirmary, perhaps writing his forthcoming cricket book entitled – FRANCES EDMONDS? NOT BEFORE LUNCH. The journalist must wait. His jaw is wired and nurses have hung a NIL BY MOUTH around his neck.

This report is ageist, yet has no mention of Viagra. Never fear. The Stonor CC groundsman has given Viagra juice to Christiaan so that he may sprinkle it on the wicket where it just did not get up at all.