The DEVIL’S ADVOCATES, a team of barristers and teachers, are the perfect opposition I was told by their chairman before the game. He said they always manage a close finish and always lose. I hoped they would maintain this consistency, but I was perturbed by their youth, and by the sound of a South African, never a good sign.

Martin Bowden (skip) lost the toss and they batted. We have never won this season when batting second. Things went wrong from the start. Jamie Noble, an Eton 1st XI cricketer, went for 12 in his first over. The South African cut three consecutive shots to the boundary. The next over from Tim Green was similarly profligate. Although both bowlers settled into a better line and length the opening batsmen reached 50 after 6 overs, and 100 after 12 or so. But the turning point in the day came when, in the 4thover, the South African edged a ball to a judiciously placed slip. Unfortunately the catch was dropped and the batsman, a man with limited technique but a wonderful eye, went on to make 80. Their other opener, a superlative batsman and gent, made 50 before he rather deliberately got himself out.

Their no. 3 got 50 as well. And Quentin, their skipper who came in at no. 4 got runs too, so we were somewhat hammered. The Advocates scored 247 I think. Our scorebook doesn’t record our performance in the field, mercifully. But the highlight was Tim Squires’ amazing catch to dismiss Quentin. He hit a ball towards the heavens. It soared. Tim was under it but his trigonometry was awry and as the ball fell to earth he was nowhere near it. But suddenly he threw his 60-year-old frame towards the descending projectile – and caught the fucker! The other highlight was Andy Taylor running out their top scorer. The official version of the incident is simply told. The astute wicketkeeper, me, pretended to fumble a ball outside leg but actually deliberately gloved it to Andy at fly slip. The batsmen were fooled into a run. Andy was too quick and threw down the nearest stumps. There were those who thought the keeper merely incompetent but this is absurd.

There were four dropped catches. One by Tim Squires when he resumed normal service and ran about under another skier until it fell harmlessly at his feet. One rather sad miss was by Julian Stewart at mid on. A simple chance which he let hit his chest for some reason, when the conventional thing in catching is to cup one’s hands, the chest being a poor instrument to effect a catch. But the lulu of the day was by that master of the Patrick Cobb school of fielding, a man who makes Phil Tufnell look like Jonty Rhodes. Robert Noble. Strange that this fearless and effective opening batsman is so windy in the field. Balls meandered past his unbending body. Between his legs, and over his toes. He commented after one mishap that the ball is awfully hard. He works in the theatre and the whole queeny atmosphere has infected him. His nadir was a dolly of a catch at mid on. Even I, cynic that I am, assumed Rob would snap this up. But no, at the crucial moment wisdom prevailed and he removed his hands from the scene.

Adam Jacot was as speedy in the field as we have come to expect. Tony Bloom’s throwing from the deep is truly impressive, given that he must be well the wrong side of 40, despite his child bride. All our bowlers got hit but Chris Moore bowled their no. 5 with a clever long hop and Martin picked up a nifty caught and bowled. Andy Taylor bowled excellent off brakes at pace. Adam had some good shouts for LBW, good and loud.

Sarah came and did lunch. Then she buggered off because her boy was announcing his engagement and she felt she had to join in the celebrations. A poor excuse. And she didn’t bring enough milk and she left the cucumber sandwiches behind.

We opened our innings with Rob and his nephew Jamie. They did well. Rob got a couple of nice fours and Jamie, a stylish and correct batsman, showed his class. But at 23 Rob was caught and although the next man in, Andy, smacked two lovely boundaries, he was soon caught behind. Julian came in and came out, ditto Tony, and then Adam (11 – one 4) briefly gave support to Jamie who was batting beautifully. Adam was LBW. Julian was umpiring. Adam may not send him an Xmas card. Martin was caught after scoring 3. Things looked a bit embarrassing, particularly when Jamie was bowled trying to force the pace for an invaluable 36 (five 4s). But Tim Green and Bird N made things look respectable with a partnership of 80. Bird was treated generously, dispatching his first three benign balls for consecutive 4s. Tim Green was eventually out for 31 (five 4s) and Bird for 42 (five 4s, two 6s). And that was sort of that. All out for 173 off 26 overs.

Bummer. But a lovely day in the sun with agreeable and helpful opposition. Jane Bloom must be thanked for taking over the Sarah role in the kitchen, uncomplainingly.

Our youth element are increasingly essential, to compensate for old farts in the field we are obliged to accommodate, either out of misplaced loyalty or to qualify for lottery money. But nobody is indispensible and some of us may soon receive the dreaded letter from our Treasurer, the one that includes phrases like: past it, seen better days. And words like: geriatric, off and fuck.