Martin Bowden was skipper, caterer, scullery maid. He saw little of the game from his servile position in the kitchen. There were no WAGs. I was on the Somme for the 95thanniversary of the first day of the eponymous battle. Terrible hotel, no ensuite facilities, no mini-bar, worse than the trenches where they at least had free rum.

After a late start – The Thebertons were held up at Henley – Martin won the toss and elected to bat, as we have won all our matches where we have batted first. Sean and Nick Emley opened and faced some good bowling. Nick had just hit two great fours when he was brilliantly run out for 11. Olly Bett’s mate Tomlinson came in and was out first ball. Bummer for your first game at Stonor. Olly came and went for 3. Things were not looking good. And things looked bleaker when Tony Bloom was out cheaply (11). Julian Stewart, now holed up in the distant Cotswolds, older though not necessarily wiser or fitter, went in and went out (5). But finally Adam came to the crease to join Sean who had propped up an end. With the score looking precarious they turned the game round. Adam at one point hit three 6s in a row. And Sean started to connect. When Adam was eventually out for 56 we still needed some quick runs and these were provided majestically by Christiaan in his finest innings at Stonor. With but one blemish. He ran out Sean for 40. Sean had defended a high ball carefully. It dropped to his feet and he stayed put, sensibly. But Christiaan did not. And suddenly Sean founded himself joined at the crease by a puffing Jonkers. Sean dashed down the other end but to no avail.

Yet this was a mere blip in Christiaan’s performance. His innings of 51* was scored in record time and went like this 4, 4, 4,1,4,2,6,1,4,4,6,2,6. Bowden (5*) was in at the death and was happy to watch Jonkers’ masterly strokeplay.

We scored 204. Lunch was provided by that polymath Martin. Once again Sarah was absent. As she will be this Sunday. It is a poor show. We may have to offer the job to another potential tea-lady who is desperate to cook, lay the table, wash up, make tea, clear up and fuck off.

We opened our bowling attack with the ageless Adam, and Martin Bowden, the inswing expert. In Adam’s second over Tomlinson caught a remarkable catch at cover, a catch ‘that sort of set the seal on our fielding performance’ according to Martin. In Bowden’s second over a dolly was lobbed up to Olly. He did everything right, called for it, steadied himself and watched the ball. And then dropped it. Yet the very next over he caught a hell of low hard catch off the same bowler. Martin had to retire after 5 overs due to a side strain. Age and indulgence have taken their toll.

Olly came on and ‘bowled beautifully’. As did Christiaan the other end. What a good game he had. He got a wicket in his second over, a skier well caught by Julian (with assistance from his stomach). Bett had a fine batsman caught by Martin, a ‘very good’(if he said so himself) catch diving forward at cover. Then, after an excellent tea provided by the patisier Bowden, the spinners, Linthwaite and Fergus Early, the ’64 year-old bearded ballet dancer’ (as Martin describes him affectionately) came on and did damage, with Fergus claiming an instant LBW. Peter may have been carted by their best batsman, Kapila, but Pete had the last laugh. He got three wickets, bowled, stumped (by the agile Sean) and caught one-handed on the boundary by Tony. There was a rumour that Tony was trying to get his hand out of the way, but this cannot be true. It was Kapila who was caught and with his dismissal The Thebertons were done. For 181.

As an innovation the bowling figures were recorded and look like this:

Jacot 1 for 13 in 4 overs

Bowden 1 for 21 in 5

Jonkers 2 for 29 in 6

Bett 2 for 20 in 5

Early 1 for 32 in 7

Linthwaite 3 for 50 in 6

A good day expertly and tactfully skippered. Martin’s evening was a bummer. An hour and a half washing up followed by an hour looking for his dogs who had buggered off. He found one but not the other. He came across Jeremy Paxman walking his Labrador and seems to have confused him (Paxman not the doggy) with Jeremy Clarkson which might not have gone down too well. Eventually the other dog turned up just as Martin had finished with the dishes and Harpic. You wouldn’t get Clarkson doing this sort of thing. Bowden can drive cars, bowl inswingers AND make scones, which makes him the better man.