That learned philosopher Roy Keane once remarked – Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. This may be true but preparation does not guarantee success. Our skipper Dennis de Caires had printed a beautiful team sheet with batting order, designed in an attractive sans serif face, in 14 pt., and centred. He had rung the Met Office to get the latest weather forecast, so he could decide scientifically whether to bat or field if he won the toss. A fat lot of good it did him.

He won the toss. He chose to field, hearing that the afternoon would be dry and hotter and thus the pitch easier. Well, it wasn’t. And his batting order was fucked by the late withdrawal of Rupert Morris, with a temperature of 106, and by Adam Jacot buggering himself while bowling and being unable to move. Literally. Someone made a lame jest about the difference in velocity between a cadaver in the field and Adam but this was unfair, a cadaver is not hampered by fear of a moving ball or overheating.

The first over was a bummer, Chistiaan went for 11 or so. Their openers continued at this rate until slowed by Christiaan bowling a fine batsman with a beauty. But their batsmen then did what is best in 35-over cricket; they took risks and smote the ball. They scored at 7 an over. We were hampered by not having one player under 30 while they had 11. What should have been 2s were 3s. And we dropped catches, 6 crucial ones. I will not name and shame the culprits like Nick Emley but if a couple of catches had been held they would have gone for 140 or so, as they had a long tail. The only V&A player to hold a catch (off Dennis) was Peter Linthwaite of all people, a fine one at short third man. He explained his otherwise windy fielding by saying that as a healing artist his hands are his livelihood and he cannot risk them at cricket, orwashing up, paying bills or manual work of any kind.

We had a wally moment when Angus, their excellent opener who went on to make 86, lobbed a dolly to Adam Chataway at cover. So there should be no confusion he shouted MINE! And to eliminate doubt repeated unambiguously MINE! But Dennis, who was bowling, charged towards both the ball and Adam, also shouting MINE! The two converged, the ball was dropped. Dennis later explained that the physics of momentum, and his enthusiasm, had propelled him inexorably forward, as the Titanic was towards the iceberg, though with less noise and enthusiasm.

There was a moment of controversy when Dennis bowled someone with either an inswinging Yorker of perfect length, or a full toss. Dennis plumped for the former, the archivist for the latter.

It was significant that their other major scorer was caught (for 75) in the deep by the Legends sub, Adam having retired to shout encouragement from the pavilion.

They made 249 in their 35 overs. The highest total scored against us.

Lunch was provided by Sarah, brought by me, and appreciated. Tea was adequate. Estelle organised the kitchen with her customary charm, tact, patience and efficiency. We will miss her when she and Dennis disappear to Barbados in a few weeks. Dennis will be missed too, of course, but kitchen staff are so difficult to get these days. Conversation at luncheon touched on Catholicism, confession and the sacrament, the history of transubstantiation, and Man Utd.’s chances. Usual stuff in other words.

Our innings started rather poorly. Or to put in another way, very poorly. Adam Chataway ran out Nigel, whose new bat did not get an airing. Dennis and Martin were both caught for 1 run apiece. Adam (2) was caught and bowled. We were 11 for 4 off four overs, and after some flourishes from Nick (18) and Christiaan (17, with one mighty 6), were 42 for 6. but all this time Tony Bloom had propped up an end and hit the loose ones so when Bird N came in at no. 9, just after Sunil fell (for 3) we were 79. But Tony continued his swashbuckling and he (51*) and Bird (49) put on nearly 100 to make the score respectable. Bird hit four 4s in consecutive balls, if he says so himself, before snicking a tricky chance to slip which the bastard caught. Peter came in and had one scoring shot, a magnificent straight 6.

We managed to reach 173, an unlikely total at one time. But we were stuffed. The Legends are excellent, appreciative and helpful opposition. They were at Leeds University together and many seem to be in banking but are nevertheless very agreeable.

Next match is in two weeks against the London Erratics. Unlike the Legends they have a full complement of elderly players which is always reassuring, and to qualify for lottery money, essential. Adam Jacot has replaced Andy Fraser as our physically disabled representative, but to be fully inclusive we still lack someone to represent the hearing impaired or mentally disturbed, now that Simon Foster and James Nixey seem to have taken early retirement