V&A v. The Legends
15th May 2010
V&A v. OLD TALBOTIANS
10th July 2010
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V&A v. Thebertons

RUPERT MORRIS caught a catch. And a good one too, off Martin’s tight bowling. I would normally open with some stuff about the weather [glorious] but as news this takes second place to Rupert catching something. Not only did he catch a ball moving in the air but he also stopped moving balls along the ground. He swooped, he stooped, he threw overarm in the rough direction of the stumps. What had happened to this urbane figure, who does not usually run around like a madman, or like Sean? Kitty was there. Perhaps he wanted to impress the missus. But, unfortunately, whenever he did something heroic Kitty’s nose was in the Telegraph Magazine.Admittedly he did return to normal service when a ball passed him on the mid-wicket boundary, but it did deviate a bit.

We were a respectable nine, eventually [it was Henley Regatta]. I was pleased with the numbers considering we were 7 on Friday [a wedding, the Lord’s Test, infirmity and a pop concert were excuses for absence] – but The Thebertons [Tim Young, prop.] reminded me that we were nine last year too, indicating they were less than impressed. We picked up Stonor’s John [Hornsey?] at 11.28 on the morning of the match. I even press-ganged my old friend Ernie Franklin along, a man who last played for us when Elizabeth Taylor was on her first husband, and Douglas Bader had legs. He came into bat at the death, which might have been his death too, as he wore no helmet or box and his myopia is such that he can only see a ball when it hits his head.

Martin Bowden, our skip, lost the toss in a 35 over game and they batted. Rather well at first, scoring at 6 an over and reaching 50 or so without loss. Ross Denton and Sunil Julkar opened our bowling and, for bowlers unused to opening, did well. Ross was tidy, Sunil threatening if occasionally wayward. Ross was unlucky not to get a wicket, and Sunil would have picked up a brilliant caught and bowled, if he had caught it. Ross missed a tricky catch at mid-on off Sunil, but Sunil did bag an LBW. There were three LBWs in The Theberton’s innings, generously given. They were also generous in giving us two sub fielders, one of whom caught one of their better batsmen at mid-off off a good ball from Sunil.

At lunch they were about 100 for 3, their initial run rate of 6 an over having slowed to under 5. Peter Linthwaite bowled a nice tempter to get an LBW, which I did not appeal for thinking the batsman too far forward, but it did hit him low.

Sarah provided her now customary and excellent roast beef lunch in the sun, with the kites soaring and the deer gambolling. Richard Cowley, an old V&A stalwart from yesteryear, was playing his last game for us before going northwards to teach in a prep school near Shrewsbury. He reported that the lunch and day were truly nostalgic, the same fare, the same view, the same conversation. Why he wants to teach nasty boys in a prep school is a mystery as he is evidently not a pederast.

After lunch John bowled their half-centurion with a lovely off cutter. Martin Bowden came on and did what he does – inswingers on a length that they could not get away. He picked up a couple of wickets, and went for less than 3 an over. Their innings, which Pete and I had earlier thought would reach 230, ended on 193 [I think, we forgot to bring the scorebook].

Rupert and Sunil opened briskly, with Rupert attempting to hit anything within reach, with some success before he was bowled. Ross and John both looked good, but both went cheaply, Ross very cheaply for 0 – but we hope he plays with us again, he is 16 and a tidy bowler of spin and pace, and will get runs. At about 50 for 3 with the run rate slowing Sunil, by now on 25, was joined by Martin and both set about the loose ball. Soon Sunil was on 49, scored primarily off the back foot and with power. At the pavilion we discussed whether one should indicate to a batsman on 49 what his score was so that he could take stock and not do anything stupid. While we debated he did something stupid and was out.

Richard came in and came out again. I think it was about 110 for 5 when I joined skipper Martin, who was now looking masterful. I asked for a runner, having buggered my back but was reminded of the rule that you can’t have a runner if you’re carrying the injury when you come in. I think I was suspected of simple laziness, and it’s certainly a great relief and rather fun to watch some other bloke scampering up and down the pitch. Infirmity meant that twos became singles. Anyway, Martin and I edged the tally nearer the target, with Martin hitting some beautiful drives, one straight drive timed to perfection was the shot of the day. We kept ahead of the run rate and with two overs to go needed 10 to win. I regret to say that at this sensitive moment I ran him out. I had whacked a ball to the Pishill boundary and ran for a second, thinking there was ample time. Martin is not the lithe Adonis he once was, or perhaps he thought the ball was going to hit the boundary rope. Anyway, he loped down the pitch and was run out [for a superb 80] by a very good throw. This was unfortunate because it meant that Ernie was in, and he is– to put it politely and in his own words – a bit windy and a bit useless. If Ernie was out Ross would bat again and that was it.

I was on strike with 5 balls remaining of this, the penultimate over. I think the next ball I hit for 2 which meant there was 7 to win. For some reason there were only two fielders on the off and I took advantage of the gap to hit the next ball to the cover boundary. 3 to win. I blocked the 4th ball, and tried to wallop the 5th but snicked it past leg stump, the keeper just missing what would have been a good low catch to his left. I decided I really must get the winner off the last ball or Ernie would be a dead man. The ball pitched outside off stump and I managed to steer it towards the vacant extra cover boundary. We started to run or rather waddle down the pitch but the ball hit the rope and the game was won. Thanks to Sunil, and to Martin.

As always The Thebertons are perfect opposition, they lose with grace and charm, and are helpful and appreciative. They did not, thank God, have the Bevan boys or their combative father this year, so we were spared truly ferocious bowling and McEnroe-style eruptions in the field.

Next Saturday [July 10] we are playing Sunil’s Old Talbotions so need a strong team. No excuses. The World Cup Final is the next day. There is no cricket at Lord’s. The only pop concert is called Once in a Lifetime, featuring the Bay City Rollers, David Essex, the Osmonds and Leo Sayer, and surely even the V&A have not descended to that nadir of inanity and incontinence.