V&A XI:Christiaan Jonkers (skip), Ilija Krunic + son, David Pitlarge, Lachlan Nieboer, Tom Bird, Robin Hailey, Alex Pitlarge, Enzo Nicoli, Cassius Bird, Will Carpmael, Dennis de Caires 

UMPIRE: Nicky Bird

CATERER: Steph Bird

As we waited for the RASCALS to arrive discussion turned to etiquette, and what is the form when a player croaks. Should the match be abandoned? Or would it be a case of carrying on ‘because Dennis would have wanted us to’?

Someone imagined my getting an umpiring decision right and being so surprised I immediately keel over. A phone call to my missus ensues:

Adam (for it is he): ‘Dr. Bird?’

Dr. Bird: ‘Yes.’

Adam: ‘It’s Adam Jacot here, you may have heard of me.’

Dr. Bird: ‘Yes, nothing good.’

Adam: ‘I have news of your hubby, good news and bad news. I’m afraid he may be away for a long time.’

Dr. Bird: ‘What’s the bad news.’

In the Sherlock Holmes story, the key thing is the dog that didn’t bark in the night. It means the dog knew the intruder. Or Fido wasn’t there. In our case on Saturday, there were several possible reasons the RASCALS weren’t padded up at 12. Weren’t visible. Perhaps a crash on the M4. Fecklessness. Drink.

As the clock neared the time agreed to start, and there was no sight of a RASCAL, thoughts turned to the last time we played them and their unilateral decision to stay in bed because the weather looked iffy.

Around 12.01 Tom phoned Jasper, our link. He did not pick up. Their skipper was a bloke called Kofi. We found his number. He said they’d decided not to play. Bad forecast. And a game on Sunday. He’d told Jasper. He thought Jasper was going to let us know.

RASCALS by name… Later, Jasper suggested it would be inappropriate to ask them to cough the match fee as a) they hadn’t played or b) enjoyed Steph’s lunch. Which was incidentally EXCELLENT. Paella, two kinds, with exotic trimmings. What would we have done without her this season? Ate less well. She not only brings efficiency and culinary skill, she also brings Tom, who scores runs and sometimes catches a ball, and Cassius – who, by the way, is now the fourth generation of Birds to get a wicket for the V&A. It was a ball that would have deceived Bradman. In Jonkers’ words – ‘I ran down the wicket, had time to play three shots at the ball, missed all three and was stumped.’

We played a nice game in which pairs – including three sets of fathers and sons – have 8 overs to whack the ball about. If they are out it is minus 10. It’s these ‘own goals’ that make the difference. Jasper/Enzo might have won without these fuck-ups, ditto Christiaan/Will. Jonkers faced Lachlan, ‘a rare pleasure’ he said and he was primed to hit Lachlan over his head for 6 (an even rarer pleasure) when the ball played a mean trick and hit middle stump. In the end, the Pitlarges won the game. It was a fun day even without the RASCALS. When last year they (eventually) appeared they turned out to be most agreeable, and included an England rugby player, who – surprisingly for a butch bloke – couldn’t hit the ball for toffee.

Someone said the RASCALS not turning up on Saturday was ‘Hamlet without the Prince’, which was wide of the mark. If Hamlet doesn’t turn up you at least have bodies galore, dead or otherwise. A whole cricket team plus 12th Man. A more fitting quote from Hamlet is ‘we shall not see his like again’. We shall not see the RASCALS again, nor their match fee. Nicky Bird