V&A XI:CHRIS MOUNSEY-THEAR (skip), TOM BIRD, CASSIUS BIRD, DOMINIC SCOTT, ALEX PITLARGE, DAVID PITLARGE, ADAM JACOT, CHRISTIAAN JONKERS, ANDY TAYLOR, ROB TAYLOR, ILIJIA KRUNIC

At 9.0 am the decision was made to play (the rain actually ceased around 11.00). Although this was conveyed to The RASCALS only two turned up on time because the others looked at what was pissing down and thought, naturally, ‘only mad dogs and Englishmen’ go out in the midday rain. But after a late lunch they ambled in and a very nice team they were (mostly friends from schooldays), one of whom was Jasper’s younger brother. Jasper played for the opposition. Rob Taylor took the gloves and looked the part, even taking a nifty catch. Jasper’s mum, Sue, catered and as before produced a sumptuous spread. I was on my best behaviour and was grovelling in my appreciation with just a hint of oiliness. Annette Jacot also graced our ground so I cut out the filth.

They batted first. Very slowly. This was partly down to the tight bowling of Jonkers and Krunic, partly the sodden wicket, and partly the batsmen’s caution (the batting order was ordained by late arrivals). But a fantastic overhead catch by Andy off Jonkers and, returning the compliment, an awesome catch by Christiaan (a skier) off Andy Taylor, did for their openers, which brought in Jasper – with 10 runs on the board off 10 overs. He was going to need to swash and buckle prodigiously to rescue their innings. He did not. Alex Pitlarge bowled him with a peach as Jasper looked to up the rate. I umpired and said to Alex that it would take a miracle for them to reach 100 in their 30 overs (a truncated game). Actually they did (101), thanks to Sheasby and a wonderful batsman called Nitin who was elegant and quick, a sort of Jasper with legs. Nitin was, with J. Singh, also a nimble spinner. A tremendous downpour at the end of The Rascals’ innings interrupted play (and drenched the pitch) but when the sun shone it was an idyllic afternoon, marred by some event in the Park, where pulsating ‘music’ was played for no known reason. I thought it might be a circus or one of those tasteless events where dwarves are thrown but it turned out to be a marathon.

At lunch – and in the longish wait before we had a quorum – we discussed insurance and the threat of being sued by rapacious litigants whacked by a lofted six; the sex life of the praying mantis; the meaning of ‘gimp’ (today’s equivalent of a tosser); T.S. Eliot’s incredibly boring rendition of The Wasteland; and the ethics of wearing cricket hats you’re not entitled to. I have a good collection and also quite a few WW2 medals that I wear to the Remembrance Day service to elicit respect.

Our version of the village game is very much one of family cricket so it was fitting that the Pitlarges, father and son, should open our innings (albeit briefly – for 8 and 10), followed by a tremendous cameo (19) by Chris M-T, and then by the brothers Taylor, Andy back from Canada for the occasion. Rob hit two majestic fours before missing that unfairest of balls, the straight one. Ilijia (17*) came in and with Andy knocked off the runs for a 6-wicket victory.

I asked Alex Pitlarge where his lovely girlfriend was and he told me some shocking news. She’d gone to a wedding or something; but if that wasn’t bad enough it was in Sheffield and there was a ‘pay bar’! Incidentally, after the last Test Match my wife asked – ‘is the bowler who got all those wickets the Jeffrey Archer?’

Before I left, I discussed with some Rascals the etiquette of running from the pitch when you’re batting for a ‘toilet break’, like Jadeja did. I mentioned the incident at Stonor 30 years ago when our opening batsman, a ringer, ran off the field and disappeared to the lav. After a minute he shouted – ‘can I borrow a newspaper!?’ Fuck me, I thought, he’s going to do the effing crossword… but actually we’d run out of lavvy paper. I didn’t ask for it back.