V&A XI:JONKERS (SKIP), T. BIRD, C. BIRD, D. PITLARGE, A. PITLARGE, I. KRUNIC, C M-T, B. HORAN, N. SCOTT-RAM, A. JACOT, J. ARNOLD

RAJ SINGH brought his team all the way from Hackney, a 2-hour drive and – barring one car that was late after breaking down – was bang on time. We were not.  But we were 11 men thanks, as usual, to Adam Jacot’s recruitment policy, which is a sort of persistent nagging. In the nicest way. We had Cassius Bird and Alex Pitlarge representing yoof.  Cassius was applauded every time he picked up the ball without falling over or his trousers falling down. He thought this a bit patronising. Alex had a jaunty Keble College cap which I coveted. I have a lot of ties and caps I’m not entitled to (IZ, Free Foresters, Greenjackets, MCC…). Senior Pros included Adam and Nick Scott-Ram, chums from Cambridge. Niam Scott-Jam once showed me an embarrassing photo of them (c1973), looking dopey or stoned, which has since been suppressed. I umpired. Christiaan captained, Ben Horan catered (superbly).

In a 35-over game (New Star would have preferred 40) the visitors batted first and Raj and his partner stroked a few until Raj was wonderfully caught by Christiaan at mid-off. A few overs later he caught another at mid-on, after juggling it a bit to play to the gallery. I’m afraid Ilijia should have got an LBW but the umpire was either dozy or inept or windy of the combative batsman. Adam bowled a swashbuckler which caused a little kerfuffle as the victim questioned the verdict; but eventually he trudged back to the pavilion. When I trudged back to the pavilion after umpiring a long stint, the visitors rose and applauded me all the way back. I mention this as a lesson in respect. They showed due deference to my age and infirmity. Others do not. Like that umpire chappy from the opposition a few weeks ago who told me to fuck off out of it when I tarried in my car on the boundary.

New Star scored a whopping 231. They had some very good strikers of the ball, particularly Vishwal (79), an ebullient fellow.

Jacot got two wickets (for 44) off his 7 overs, Chris M-T went for 61, Jonkers for 40, Ilijia for 37. Alex Pitlarge got 1 for 47.

At lunch I spoke of the famous game 40 years ago when the V&A got thumped by an Indian touring team of juveniles, including Tendulkar. Some blokes from New Star got pretty excited. My Punjabi is rusty but I think they were saying something like ‘this lot of duffers got walloped by Tendulkar and no bloody wonder’ but I could be wrong. Anyway, this amused Adam because they wanted photos and that might be tricky as it’s just possible that Tendulkar was actually Len Tendulkar, no relation. But again, I could be wrong.

We opened with Tom Bird and Jasper Arnold and they did wonderfully, reaching 72 after 10 overs before Jasper was out (for 35 or so). There was a hiatus when New Star voiced concerns over the veracity of the scoreboard. It seemed to veer between various totals, not helped by the board lacking a ‘1’. The visitors are right to expect only the best and they were perhaps not prepared for a wonky clock and wonky scoreboard and wonky scorer. Anyway, all was well and play resumed but a couple of silly run-outs later and we were struggling, although A. Pitlarge and Jacot and Horan all contributed (20 plus). Some short-pitched bowling had frightened Tom Bird (37) but this was discouraged; New Star reverted to some very good spin. We needed 10 an over off the last 8 to win. We were in fact out for 185.

Vishwal was awarded a bottle of Famous Grouse as Man of the Match. Sikhs like a drink. So did I. My tonsils did not and years of sobriety have taken their toll. Old people who don’t drink fuss, or get excited by genealogy or local history. I do a shortish lecture with slides on ‘The History of Ealing Common’ with an interval for sherry wine. Nicky Bird