V&A PLAYERS: R Ashcroft, V Grantham, R Taylor, A Taylor, A Jacot, L Nieboer, C Mounsey-Thear, C Jonkers (Capt), A Wayland, J Huntington-Whiteley, N PG  

We pondered the question, “Will you miss Boycott when he retires? He’s been on TMS for years”. This is pointless filler. But Rupert, is this pointless filler floorless?

 Tom P-G’s Silk Boudoir XI arrived early and were drinking hard by the time a relatively strong V&A turned up. They decided to get smashed as they expected to be roundly thrashed. They were so wrong. 

TPG and Jonkers agreed to a 70-over, win/lose/draw format with the V&A batting first. TPG had recruited well, drafting in Andy Jones (from the V&A), Oscar Woodbridge and ‘OO’ Marsh. Woodbridge, aka Lord Woodbridge of Bluecoat, is said to have such a reputation at his school that one of his teachers was referred to as Master i/c Woodbridge. Ollie Marsh is a good cricketer despite early impressions, arriving late and playing in orange trainers. In 2006, Marsh told the John Lyon School Newsletter that he wanted, “to be a professional cricketer, or failing that an investment banker”.

As per last year, the V&A top order capitulated. Early V&A casualties included V. Grantham, Ashcroft, R. Taylor, A Jacot and Nieboer. Some chose the wrong shots though Nieboer was beautifully bowled leaving a big Marsh off-break. Nieboer’s reaction was to stick an appreciative thumbs up to Marsh. Any chances dropped by the Silky’s were tough ones. Patrick Cronin proved a sound keeper, taking the second best caught behind of the day. The bowling was top drawer with Keith Dominc and Andy Jones bowling spells tighter than Cronin’s unfeasibly tight whites. TPG brought on leg and off spin of Woodbridge and Marsh from either end before lunch. Lovely. Weaker links in their attack were Ed Grantham, who had an all-round game to forget and George Vardy.

Boycott does not talk to the techies in the TMS team.

The V&A regrouped after lunch thanks to A Taylor (70) and CMT (41*). My how we clapped CMT’s half century. My how we laughed when Jonkers admitted he had misread the scorebook. Astute skippering tip. Tell a bowler to bowl the only delivery he can bowl. TPG spread the field and told Henry Grantham to bowl slow long hops. It worked. The V&A tail imploded to leave Jonkers to declare at 167 for 9 off 36 overs. That the Silky’s fielded just 10 players shows how good their fielding was. Much would now depend on whether (Ngai)OO Marsh was the real deal with the bat.

It would be thrilling to hear of Boycott’s account of his first innings against Warks at Bradford in 1969. He carried his bat for 53 in 57 overs.

The Silky’s had 34 overs to reach their target. The V&A bowling attack looked good on paper, but our most incisive weapon was reckoned to be the Silky’s umpires, all drinking lager from the bottle while on duty.

Woodbridge was intimidated by Nieboer and walked away from a yorker. Ajay Tugnaith fell LBW to a dead straight Jonkers delivery that looked high. Umpire Ed Grantham, beer in hand, thought not and off trudged Tugnaith, triggered by his own team-mates in each game he has played against the V&A. E. Grantham was also swiftly replaced. Andy Jones and Marsh then set about the V&A with relish. We had some relish with our fabulous lunch, this time laid on by Cath P-G. The spread included beef, ham and numerous home-grown components. The ham was not home-grown. That would have left Empress of Wargrave with just three legs.

Marsh’s fourth shot was a beautiful and ominous flick off his pads for 4 and later on he played a classy late upper cut off Nieboer. He had shaped to cut, then adjusted as the ball ‘got big on him’ to flick it down to the third man boundary. Jones scored a 50, but throughout his innings he looked in and out of form from over to over. He rashly asked Nieboer why he wasn’t bowling his quickest. A few balls later, Jones fetched his helmet and a few more later took a fiery Nieboer bumper on the collar bone.

TPG sportingly retired Marsh on reaching his 50 to give his mere mortals a bat. Cronin’s dozen ball duck was ended by a theatrical gully catch by Nieboer. Keith Dominic edged a very, very fast CMT delivery to Wayland at first slip. Fortunately, the keeper smelt Wayland’s fear and stepped calmly in front of his to take a regulation keeper’s catch.  Boycott claims to have invented the term, “The Corridor of Uncertainty”. Keith Dominic fell into the Cellar Door of Uncertainty © NPG

Pity the V&A bowlers who quickly saw the futility of bowling for the edge of the bat. Huntington-Whiteley and N Pritchard-Gordon shared keeping duties and are more buffoons than Buffons. With Ashcroft taking a break from glove duty, Jonkers chose to hide this inept pair of bespectacled doubled-barrelled numpties behind the stumps.

Christiaan Brearley …. . Jonkers needed the freshly coiffed Andy Taylor to be really fresh to bowl (eventually) and made him field on the boundary in an easy chair. Sadly, Andy conceded the winning runs off half centurion Jones’ bat and the Silkys had won the game at a canter by some wickets with some overs to spare. Need the scorebook or a better memory. Our fielding could have been better. Vin Grantham excelled in the field, but not always in the discipline of fielding.

Radio Bird was on OB at Wormsley, Getty’s grand venue that offers Nicky more Helena Bonham-Carter types and a different class of ‘Scrabster’ – see ‘The Meaning of Liff’.

It was a good game of cricket, well won by the friendly young men of the Silk Boudoir who continue to perplex Christiaan with their behaviour, vocabulary and dress code. “Why do they have to appeal so?” Because they are young, Christiaan, and we are not. This fixture could help with youth recruitment. Vin Grantham has four sons.

Man of the match …. Ollie Marsh. Beautiful off-spin and shots all round the wicket. In his school newsletter Ollie also said, “I like Maths with Mr. Andon”. By the end of the game, the V&A wished he chosen nurdistry rather than cricket.

Boycott started on TMS in 2005, 31 years after Henry Blofeld made his TMS debut.