V&A XI:JOE TETLOW (C); TOM BIRD; ZAF; JASPER ARNOLD; ALEX PITLARGE; DAVID PITLARGE; SHOK; ILIJIA KRUNIC(sub JONNY URWIN); CHRISTY KULASINGAM; CHRISTIAAN JONKERS; ADAM JACOT

Perhaps the worst sports team of all time are the Wake Forest Demon Deacons of the mid-’70s. Certainly no other team, to the best of my knowledge, has had a song about losing in life overall named after them (Deacon Blues, for those interested). After six consecutive losses leading into this week, the V&A sought to turn our recent fortunes around and avoid going their way.

We batted first. Tom Bird and debutant Zaf rushed ahead in a rare case of us starting an innings at the pace usually expected in a limited overs match. By the time Zaf let the ball hit his toe in front of middle stump, we were on 50-odd off nine overs. Unfortunately, this left Zaf with what most of the club thought was a broken toe. Adam, later asking about next week’s availability, was adamant that it was merely a bruise.

Jasper came in next and knocked up 26. I can’t say I remember too much of his partnership with Tom because I was having a read of the weekend papers in the shade. They said that the world is going to end and that that’ll cause a financial crash which checks out. At some point Tom got to 50 and then immediately got out.  Joe looked well in at four before shovelling the ball to square leg off ACME’s notoriously loopy, growling spinner. Nicky told me to emphasise that this was a pretty crap wicket. Joe told me Nicky had no power over the match report. I was just disappointed at needing to pad up before lunch.

I was soon joined by the senior Pitlarge after Jasper nicked off and an interlude for a wonderful lunch prepared, as ever, by Steph, followed after a couple of overs. It is both ACME and the V&A’s fiftieth birthdays and they are united by Martin Bowden. It would be fitting to mention a lunchtime anecdote about him here, but I have no desire to associate my name on the internet with what an ACME member said his winters were dedicated to.

We headed back out and I said that I expected we’d need to do a lot of running to keep the rate up, expecting that I could hit a few decent boundaries whilst my partner may need to rely on more tactical hitting. Turns out that I’d got this the wrong way round, as I failed to use the middle of my bat repeatedly whilst David led by example to play a far more fluid innings. One shot through the covers was particularly crisp and, dare I say it, powerful. After each getting to 20, we both unwisely decided to miss middle stump balls whilst trying to play truly pagan heaves. Like father like son. Shok and Ilija followed to put some quick runs up to bring our score up to a very respectable 193 — a rare instance of a good total where everyone materially contributed to it.

There was a bit of a rush to get the second innings going as Ilijia had to leave at tea. The fact that tea was later interrupted by Joe taking bowling auditions (Ilijia had only bowled six) explains why. That Zaf then got the part with his broken toe (before bowling with one shoe on) only emphasised the bowling issue we faced. In any case, Ilijia bowled very well in partnership with Christiaan to keep the ACME run rate down. Ilijia in particular started his spell with three straight maidens, including one double-wicket maiden.

ACME then dug in. Having been 10/4, their long-haired number three looked settled on his way to a strong 65. Adam bowled solidly in tandem with Christy, who took four, each helping to control ACME’s rate. At this point, I am left stuck in an impossible dilemma between modesty and telling the truth. Off Christy’s bowling I took the best catch of my life — one handed, diving, quite close in, all the jazz. I would dedicate the whole report to it but that seems indulgent. Ask me about it, make yourself comfortable, and you can get the full thought-by-thought retelling.

The game progressed and started to get quite close. I contributed to this closeness by initially insisting on bowling short and wide. After 20 overs, ACME were 107/4. Unsurprisingly, after a couple of hairy overs, I found more success bowling on a good length on the off-side, which led to a brilliant take behind by Shok who almost ripped the ball from behind him. A bit of bowling rotation followed to get the overs right but after Christy had got their dangerous number three out, ACME never quite looked in it. The recent losing streak was over, and a particularly civilised (someone bought olives) trip to the Golden Ball followed.

V&A — 193/7; T Bird 50

ACME — 174 AO; Hoskin 65, Kulasingam 4/30