V&A PLAYERS: Rupert Morris*, Lachlan Nieboer, Martin Bowden, Christiaan Jonkers, Nick Emley, Andy Taylor, Nick Constantine, Vin Grantham, Ed Grantham, Phil Goodliffe, Tom Pritchard-Gordon. 12th Man: Nicholas A Bird

The parks of England are paved with sunburned bodies, Saddleworth Moor is on fire and sales of orange squash are rocketing as cricket matches require frequent drinks breaks. Yes, we’re in the middle of a heatwave – a meteorological phenomenon that has inspired pop lyricists down the ages.

Martha and the Vandellas did it for me. The younger generation may be more familiar with a rap song by Wiley. Whatever your preference, the message is similar: sunshine is sexy; it loosens inhibitions.

Poor Annette Jacot, who might reasonably have hoped for some female company on such a glorious day at Stonor, was immediately mobbed by chaps determined to solve her crossword clues for her, and then, at lunch, obliged to listen to a lot of smutty talk from Radio Bird. This blight on the airwaves, which resembles Radio 4 under the guest editorship of Peter Stringfellow, is famous, or rather notorious, for its discussion programmes. These consist of the host, Nicky Bird, kicking off with some apparently innocent semantic enquiry, like the difference between the adjectives lascivious and lecherous. Guests are briefly invited to contribute before the host takes over. On this occasion he embarked on a prolonged disquisition (not for the first time) on the appeal of Henley Regatta – which, he insists, has nothing to do with rowing, and everything to do with scantily clad women in high heels and light summer frocks which become transparent against the sunlight.

Enough of that. Lunch was excellent – chicken, some especially good potato cakes, cheese and a variety of healthy salads. Cold beer was also served. The caterer (N P-G) arrived in a very professional-looking white van and behaved admirably until later in the afternoon when he and a young friend climbed onto the roof of the pavilion while health and safety officer Steffen Collings was safely out of range.

The cricket, by contrast, was uneventful, certainly in terms of wickets. Terry Blake, captain of regular visiting team The Hermits, had an evening engagement which had led to a flurry of emails in the preceding days about how to accommodate his 5.30 departure time. No toss was required as Terry had decided that his team would field first, which would allow him to open the innings, score a few brisk runs then make his way home – all of which came to pass, more or less.

The arrangement suited us, as we wanted to bat first. By lunch we had scored about 150 off 22 overs. Andy Taylor had smashed loose balls to every corner of the ground and reached 92, while young Ed Grantham was closing in on his 50, having delighted spectators with a couple of supremely elegant on-drives to the boundary. Their opening partnership eventually realized 171, a V&A record. The Hermits’ bowling had not been especially threatening, but was certainly better than that of The Times team we had so resoundingly thrashed earlier in the season.

We had agreed a 70-over game which would allow the team batting first to bat for up to 38 overs, giving the team batting second at least 32 overs to chase the runs, or, if preferred, play for a draw. In the event, we had reached 256 for three after 32 overs when I declared our innings closed. Grantham Junior had made exactly 50, Grantham Senior a sprightly 7, while Lachlan and Nick Constantine had each had the opportunity to tonk a few boundaries in scoring 20-odd. Andy Taylor had sailed serenely on to an undefeated 120, ignoring suggestions from the boundary that he should retire once he had reached his century. He was encouraged in his resolve by the selfless Emley, who was due in next, but had no desire to interrupt the Taylor run-fest.

Set a stiff target of 257 to win in 38 overs, the Hermits began solidly against the quality attack of Nieboer and Tom P-G. It was the latter who broke the opening partnership when Terry Blake, having been deceived several times by Tom’s variations, was trapped lbw with the score around the 50 mark. Blake Junior fell to a smart catch at fourth slip from Bowden off Jonkers, then on came young Grantham to bowl erratically yet claim the crucial wicket of Rupert Style, who had batted as his surname suggested for 38, only to be undone by a full toss that hit him on the back pad in front of middle stump. Thereafter, the Hermits were only ever playing for a draw, which looked entirely probable as the fourth-wicket pair of Price and Henderson dug in, resisting the wiles of Bowden and the accuracy of Taylor until there were only 15 overs left.

Enter Nick the Tweak Constantine, whose off-breaks had caught the captain’s eye in Wiltshire. His first over was erratic, but we could afford the odd boundary and he was beginning to get some turn. In the next four and a half overs he blew away the Hermits with a series of perfectly pitched off-breaks. His six victims, including two well-set batsmen, were all clean bowled. There were two double-wicket maidens and he ended with figures of 6-22 off 5.3 overs. They were all out for 141 and the V&A claimed victory with 27 balls left.

And so we headed for the Golden Ball where Andy and Nick, the two heroes of the hour, fought to buy the skipper a drink. Sadly, although the garden is lovely, the company delightful – the Hermits are a clubbable lot – and the complimentary chips as good as ever, the Brakspears was flat. When I complained, I was informed that there was a world shortage of CO2. I wasn’t convinced that the barmaid really knew about naturally brewed real ale. It’s not the first time I’ve had flat beer at the Golden Ball. Please will real-ale drinkers monitor the situation in July? If it happens again, I shall agitate for a move back to The Crown.

Finally, you may be wondering how I come to be in possession of such detailed statistical information. The answer is that Nick Constantine took a photograph of the relevant pages and emailed them to me as soon as he got home, thoughtfully drawing my attention to our bowling figures. Well done everyone – a wonderful day.