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V&A v Chelsea Arts Club

V&AvCAC2018

V&A PLAYERS:Dennis de Caires (C), Ross Ashcroft, Tom Bird, Martin Bowden, Christiaan Jonkers, Nicholas Pritchard-Gordon, Tom Pritchard-Gordon, Adam Knight, Philip Goodliffe, Lachlan Nieboer, Rupert Morris

Whatever the origin of the phrase, “giving someone the bird” is, V&ACC did it to Chelsea Arts Club at the SCG this weekend. More precisely, we “gave them the Tom Bird”. Tom had earlier been seething that our opposition arrived as late, as sporadically and as understaffed as ever. Our skipper, Dennis de Caires was unimpressed too.

In a 35-overs, win, lose or draw game, the V&A batted first and plundered 260 for five with only Nick P-G (2), Adam Knight (2) and Rupert Morris (3) failing. The first two are marked in the book as “LBW (CJ) Bld Munton”. Both were sound decisions by our most competent of umpires. Rupert believed he was bowled by a no-ball beamer that hit the base of his stumps.

Fairing far better were de Caires (44 off 34 balls), Ashcroft (76 off 81), Nieboer (62* from 44) and the mighty Tom Bird (52* off 37 balls). Ross played an excellent dig-in-as-wickets-fell-then-counter-punch innings. Dennis either flayed boundaries or stayed put. The histamine-riddled Nieboer started scratchily before thrashing 37 from his last 15 balls. But it was Tom Bird who was the brightest star of the innings.

As he walked out to bat, Steph wished him well in his quest for a season-best score of 12 or higher. Tom then played himself in the way he normally does. With eyes closed. His trademark ‘sloik’* swiftly took him past 12 and caused Christiaan to admit that his dear friend Tom, “really does have just one shot”.

Once again, time was wasted hunting for the ball in the rough. Someone needs to strim outside the boundaries. Needing seven for his half-century in the final over (bowled by the flagging Bala, 12 overs, 1 for 84), Tom first ran a 2, then a single that lost him the strike. Lachlan’s next boundary was met with silent disapproval then calls for him to get Tom back on strike. Lachlan obliged and Tom hit the penultimate delivery for 2. Needing two more from the final ball, Tom closed his eyes, sloiked a boundary (in his arc of course) to complete a cracking half-century. Poor Chelsea Arts Club had had the Tom Bird flipped royally at them.

Their unbroken 114 partnership had occupied a mere 11 overs. What a contrast to last week’s long forgotten A Jacot/NP-G partnership. For info, that was a 17-over 32-run effort.

Tom’s waggon wheel resembles a prostrate palm tree. There is a fan of branches in the arc between long leg and deep mid-wicket counter-balanced by one thin trunk on other side. Yes. The offside. Tom’s pride at the three offside runs he scored were as evident as his ongoing back spasms were absent.

Other first half highlights included Phil Goodliffe dropping down the order to ensure Lachlan had a bat; Lachlan getting a prolonged net to get his eye in; Tom P-G ruffling up Phil’s family jewels in the nets; and learning that Dennis declines bats without a box as it sharpens his concentration. Annette Jacot completed her crossword with help from Rupert, Christiaan and a Pritchard-Gordon. Clearly, it was not Tom P-G as intellectual diversions are beyond him, though he continues to culture an admiration for intellectual types. Take his chalk and cheese bromance with Christiaan. Someone suggested their double act was worthy of a stage run along the lines of Tuffers and Blowers. Or perhaps Chabbudy G and Art Malik?

Lunch!. A criminal offence to overlook our magnificent dinner ladies headed up by Rupert. Rupert managed to slip in tongue into a top spread. I love pressed tongue and told Rupert so. I can only hope I am now up to fifteenth in line to join him at Lords one day. I rarely take note of lunchtime natter as it commonly dominated by a verbose minority. If it is not Nicky Bird’s filth and drivel it will be a Jonkers’ homily on arcane and archaic matters. Nicky was off games with thoracic-pharyngeal ailment that may shut him up a while.

The Chelsea reply comprised faint flecks of hope in a broth of fecklessness. Tom P-G opened the bowling and took three wickets with field placings that Bird Battlefield Tours (https://www.birdbattlefieldtours.com/) might label as “attaque a l’outrance’. He later confounded critics with a catch or two in the deep. Philopus the Octoliffe took a splendid stumping off Martin Bowden to remove Chelsea’s best player, Mr Munton. Lachlan had to kerb his pace to David Maddocks for fear of dissecting him and spattering the 8 catchers behind the bat with body parts. Adam Knight held a smart, low and probably quite fast slip catch off a V&A joke bowler. Dennis bowled dainty spin successfully in a rak shaki style. The family P-G had a hand in 7 dismissals while T Bird and Rupert needed to do no more than naff all in the field. Chelsea’s innings folded when Maddocks popped one up to Jonkers at short forward square leg. Christiaan dived forward, hit the deck and held the catch. His spectacles stayed put, he grinned and for one moment looked a little like a tiger rug.

We won by 164 runs with THIRTEEN overs to spare. Perhaps the Artistes were musing on whether they might arrive as late, as sporadically and as understaffed for their respective evening functions as they did for this futile and lopsided contest. Let us hope they get their shit together next year.

Man of the Match? Tom Flippin’ Bird.

Moment of the Day? Ross’ ring pocket?

Missed Moment of the Day? Nicky’s absence robbed us of his balanced and enlightened view of Sir Christopher Chode’s** week that was.

*’Sloik’. Christiaan will recognise this as a portmanteau word and not a typo. He will research and discover it is a recognised albeit foreign word. He may question the relevance of the ‘sloik’ to T Bird’s approach to batting. I hope he locates a Polish slang of sloik.

**Not all typos are occidental.