V&A v. The Authors XI
3rd September 2016
2016 V&A CC End of Year Report
20th September 2016
Show all

V&A v. The Bandits

vavbandits-2016

V&A PLAYERS: L Nieboer (skip), A Taylor, R Taylor, N Bird (caterer and 12th man), A Jacot, D De Caires, R Ashcroft, Tom P-G, Nick P-G, N Emley  

Which newspaper now has the best cricket coverage? The Telegraph was good but now just offers up throbbing insight into a pseudo-spat about dating apps between Benenden Seniors Lady Camilla Blennerhassett and her coke-head cousin, Candida Oldenough-Manenough. If these names sound familiar, it is most likely you heard them first through the Radio Bird Name-Dropping Drive Time Show. Clunk. Bump. Thump. As the names fall, so too do the jaws of his audience. As the names stream out, so do the tears of joy stream down Annette Jacot’s cheeks.

The decline of cricket in the papers might have something to do with the boom in online comment. The Mail Online is predictably woeful. It is the place to go for Ben Stokes articles such as, “After I hit that locker at Kensington Oval in Barbados in 2014, Ashley Giles called me a t**t…and I think he was probably right”. At least the Mail marked the death of Ken Higgs. They even referred to his infamous testimonial match. The cricket match (held at Old Trafford between ‘City’ and ‘United’ involved stars like Colin Bell, Francis Lee, Mike Summerbee and George Best) earned Higgs a £2,000 windfall to his testimonial. The Guardian wrote of it, “The pitch was invaded by young supporters and bottles were thrown. After the match five teenagers were charged with offences including carrying offensive weapons, causing a breach of the peace and assaulting policemen.” There were no online comments after this article…

You could try the online Times. They have many erudite writers, including the V&A’s own Michael Atherton, but you won’t get to read much unless you subscribe.

Last Friday, Rob Smyth of the Guardian gave us a comprehensive and touching piece on one of cricket’s nearly men, Duncan Spencer. Read, “Recalling Duncan Spencer, the cricketer who lived fast and bowled even faster” and one cannot help but google up his duel with Sir Viv Richards in the final round of the 1993 Sunday League, Viv’s last game. Go on, google it. He was as fast as Viv was cool. And the crowd… It was just a Sunday League game and it was ‘free to view’.

And finally, back to last Friday’s Telegraph for Rob Bagchi’s, “Farewell to cricket’s September swan song”.

The traditional County One-Day Final that has closed the season for 53 years is to be moved to mid-summer. Once again, this article draws you into multi-media opportunities of 21st Century cricket reporting by offering highlights of the 1985 NatWest Trophy final. Recent history, but still evocative of a time of partisan county supporters. Tremendous, as Peter West would say through his stiff (literally) upper lip and his double blinks.

So that’s the report padded out again. Our 2016 (home) season came to an end against the Bandits with Lachlan Nieboer as our skipper. Electing to bat first on a stodge pit of a wicket, we promptly fielded first in miserable cold. Confused and dis-chuffed, the V&A fielders protested by dropping catch after catch, possibly 8 in all? During Flintoff’s 167 at Edgbaston in 2004, one huge six should have been caught be a spectator, Flintoff’s Father. Here’s Freddie taking up the story, “I see my dad rise from his seat, big smile on his face, his nickname’s ‘Colin Big Hands’, but in front of everyone he drops it. More embarrassing than that, trying to catch the rebound it spills out of his hands and into Michael Vaughan’s mum’s lap, so he’s there, head buried between her legs. Not a good day for my dad that.”

Nieboer (5 overs, 3 for 14) and De Caires (5-0/16) opened and bowled well. The Bandit’s scorebook records wickets falling to Nie’boer, Noboer and Nifboer. He cut his pace due to the soggy crease though DDC had no problem with the turf as he is so light on his feet and was wearing dirigible whites. Nicky Bird took off to source local sawdust. He was away long enough to have put another couple of his Father’s Windsor chairs through the Bird Towers shredder. A double change of bowling saw the hungover and crumpled-face Rob Taylor bowl a bizarre 7 over spell which included a catch by Chatterton round the corner off what was going to be called a leg-side wide. At the other end, the zen-like Adam – I’m always grumpy – Jacot (5-2/11) impressed.

After lunch, TP-G’s off spin proved difficult to get away (7- 1/8) while Chatterton chipped in with 2 late wickets. Bandit’s skipper, A Lang scored a fine 50 but was finally caught by R Taylor showboating on the boundary. For all the tidy V&A bowling, the V&A catching was astonishingly inept. On the plus side, our drops and a couple of expensive Nick Emley overs meant that the Bandits were not bowled out for 65. Emley had called out his classic, “Asks the questions” just three times in the field. Each time he enunciates each morsel of the word “Quess-Tee-ons” in the same way that an aged Anglican Bishop pronounces ‘homosexuality’. Cross-examination might be revealing.

The V&A reply was held in check by regular wickets. Though the sun had emerged to dry the wicket a tad, runs still proved elusive. The top five of NPG, the Taylors, Andy Jones and Ross Ashcroft contributed only 40-odd, all falling to very well controlled bowling by Lucius Terrance and Aleem. Rob Taylor plays too much LMS to adjust his tempo and was caught behind flashing by the Bandit’s excellent keeper, Cox(ey) who later took a stunning leg-side catch to remove Emley for a duck. We needed a skipper’s innings from Nieboer. Some green-eyed V&A naysayers suggested that Lachlan is a better batsman than bowler and that he is not a proper all-rounder because he rarely excels at both in the same game. This was harsh and proved utter bulwarks. Nieboer (51), Chatterton (12) and De Caires (19*) took the V&A close to a win with just 5 needed off the final over. My how we hoped Adam Jacot would live up to his own billing as a ‘striker of the ball’, but it was not to be. Adam’s failed shots were captured on video. He asks that the tape is erased. So it ended a hard fought draw, with the V&A 2 or 3 runs short. Both teams bowled well, but one team fielded better. Or maybe just fielded.

Man of the Match? Lachlan Nieboer. First to the ground, made teas as others arrived, put out the boundary rope, wickets and runs in the same game. Make him permanent skipper. He was also last to leave the Ball On Door whose staff have made clear that we are welcome there, but not to drink inside and to be out of the premises before the diners arrive. The B480 does strange things to the service sector.

Our end to the season has been a damp one, but spirits are high. Our quiz team of N. Bird, Jonkers, A Wayland, Vib Glantham, NPG and AN Other will do the club proud in the Stonor CC Quiz next week. Our French Tour is imminent, as is the publication of N. Arthur Bird’s “Charm/ Offensive. My Guide to Cricketiquette”. Nicky provided a lovely lunch.

Somerset la la la. Somerset la la la. Ad nauseam.