V&A PLAYERS: Rob Taylor (capt), Christiaan Jonkers, Nick Pritchard Gordon, Tom Bird, Adam Jacot, Tom Ayling, Lachlan Nieboer, Ross Ashcroft, Phil Goodliffe, Marc Terblanche, Nick Emley, Nick Constantine

The Availability Matrix has arrived. Resistance is futile. It helped Skipper Rob Taylor to be submersed in excess availability for our opening fixture against The Bushmen. Shame he could never be certain how long each player would be available during the game. Herewith a summary of our team’s availability for and during the match, plus player ratings that cannot be challenged unless and until you too have written a match report this season. The early-season match report bar is set low…

1. Rob Taylor. Captain. Available. Selected. Masterful in his skippering. He didn’t have to so much herd cats. Skippering this shifting shapeless shit-shower team of 11, 13, 15 was akin to stacking diarrhoea. DNB due to selflessly batting himself at 10. He interspersed 5 good overs of spin with a constant Alan Bennett style whingeing, “I wish I could bowl faster”. Bowled a sixth over of inverse-pace. One day. Maybe. 7/10

2. Ross Ashcroft. Available. Selected. Nearly unavailable for part of the Bushmen’s innings as he thought he needed to go home to lock his family away. His 53 scored in 28 overs was the bedrock of the innings. His magical throwing arm is not yet to be trusted this season. 7/10

3. Rupert Morris. Available. Selected. Did not play as he had homework to hand in. N/A

4. Ben Horan. Late availability and was stood down due to over-subscription. The Good Eggs said that Ben MUST be selected to play next week but the Availability Matrix says he’s not available. N/A

5. Marc Terblanche. Not available. Selected by his friend Rob Taylor who’d erroneously stood Horan down. Batting was flaky but bowled better than I have seen. Covered miles of rabbit-shagged outfield. Throwing could improve. 6/10

6. Adam Jacot de Boinod. Available for fielding only. Selected. Suffered a whole V&A innings of Nicky Bird drivel. Moved like a gazebo at first slip for an important catch. Affected a terrible Mockney accent to pep V&A fielders up. Lovely chap. 4/6

7. Tom Bird. Available. Selected. Lame. Said he was out played-on. How can he tell when his eyes are shut each shot? Had little excitement in the field. Can’t throw the ball to the next fielder under-arm because he tries to spin it. 4/10 though super dinner-lady Steph scores 6/10 for the perfectly judged lunch of homemade Minestrone and bangers in baguettes. And don’t forget her excellent tea. All this catering done while juggling the lovely Ottilie, Otto-Lee, O-feckit, how embarrassing not to know how to spell her name. 10/10

8. Nick P-G. Available. Selected. Didn’t want to play in the cold. Fielded in 3 shirts, 2 long sleeved sweaters and a Czech Army rabbit skin hat. Ran himself out for the greater good. Took a wicket and bowled 6 wides in 3 overs, sorely trying wicket-keeper Goodliffe’s patience and hamstrings. Added to Rob’s problems by declining chance to umpire. Better scorer than umpire. Or player. 4/10

9. Tom Ayling. Available. Selected but then injured. A rollicking cameo (20 ret. hurt) was shortened when he fell on his thumb. Game over, he spent quality time with his Ma and Pa, probably interpreting Radio Bird for them. However, he returned to the field as cover for the disappeared Nieboer, doing his best to protect his poorly Tommy Thumb. Even managed to bowl 2 tight overs at the tail. Played the shot of the day, leg glancing a wide-ish leg side delivery. Mr. Assegai’s 6 off Jonkers was also lovely to watch. 5/8

10. Nick Emley. Available. Selected but made it too bloody clear he had to leave early. Pre-innings nerves to the fore, he banged on about another great Lords practice session that is no prep for April wickets at the SCG. Of his catch, we expected to hear his trademark, “I couldn’t see it”. We were not let down. Welcomed the incoming limping batsman Mr. Assegai with a cheery, “Do you need a runner, or do you always walk that way?” 5/10

11. Nick Constatino. Available. Selected. A fair all-round effort enhanced by introducing his lively luv, the lovely Liv to the V&A freak-show. Whether we see Liv again will depend on the weather (a tad raw) and Radio Bird (trad raw). Nick’s 50 took just 11 overs and was ended after his Ma said he was doing rather well. His 6 overs, 2 for 10 could have been a five-for if his Pa (parking too close to the gangs for comfort again) had umpired for him. His LBW of Bushman Cockerel was judged plumb by Bushman umpire Mr. Dabby. Cockerell looked a man bent on visceral and immediate revenge until Dabby helped him recalculate his coordinates with, “The pavilion’s that way, mate”. Nick’s was a match-winning performance, but his whites need attention. 8/10

12. Christiaaaan Jonkers. Available. Selected. Top notch pompty-pomming all afternoon he dismissed his wife Sam’s view that he leans toward the richer menu option and the larger portion. The resultant winter love-handles held his bowling back a tad, but he did a truly arty-farty V&A pirouette pull shot for 6. Including a Bonus Point for his Availability Matrix, 6/10

13. Lachlan Nieboer. Available. Selected but quick to tell Rob Taylor he had to leave early for an operatic dildo experience. His one run innings off 5 balls was pure art. Rob Taylor smoothed Lachlan’s early exit by allowing him to bowl his allotted overs on the bounce. Good pace for a greying seamer. Nice spell. Struggled to find an umpire’s coat that goes with his style. 5/9

14. Phil Goodliffe. Available. Feeling sore. Selected. DNB. Found keeping in the cold tough but did sterling work standing up to the four-man spin attack. 6/10

15. Nicholas A Bird. BsA & Roué. Available to his audience only. It must have been cold because no matter what filth spilled out of the wit tank in his mind, other spectators such as the Ayling and Constantine parents, Liv and Steph remained huddled around him. Hot air ventilation at work. Went long on homosexuality in the Golden Age of Hollywood. Was thrilled to learn about Biffin Bridge. Heaven help us if his cursor stumbles onto the Urban Dictionary website. 7/10

The Bushmen. 11 in number, varied in age and in athleticism and good company all round. A good bowling team with Messrs. Accilini and Assegai impressing, 7 overs 0 for 22 and 7-2-19. Mr. Cockerell was a surprise package with 3 wickets. Their top order looked to have potential to score quick runs but fell playing a shot too many at the wrong time.

V&A scored 188 for 6 off 35 overs and once the Bushmen top order were starved of runs by Nieboer’s opening salvo, the target looked too much for the visitors who pootled to 124 for 7 from their allotted overs. They ask for a summer fixture next year. At close of play, I strode into their changing room to give their skipper Mr. Whitehead some home-grown asparagus. Grateful yet non-plussed he asked if I had a plastic bag. I did but was still wearing it as a mitten to stave off frost-bite. Despite the cold and mizzle, we insisted on sitting in the Golden Ball garden for drinks and chips.

We won by 64 runs, but there was little fizz about the victory. What was it that made this game so hard to fathom? The weather was grimly cold and windy. No. It was the hand that Rob Taylor was dealt by the Availability Matrix. He marshalled his raggle-taggle bunch of part-timers, half-timers and half-wits with a resigned smile. He can be satisfied. He has done his skippering duties for the season.

My own magic moment? While fielding, I outran Ross to the ball. I knew I would as we’d had a practice run while batting together earlier. Knowing I can’t throw, Ross called me to flip it up. I flopped over, flipped the ball somewhere, stood up seeing stars and told him, “This is dreadful. It’s like care home cricket”. Ross replied, “I want to be in a care home with YOU. You can make cider”. This is what is called a brewmance.

My man of the match? In performance terms, Constantino should have it. In cricketing terms, Rob Taylor’s skippering should have it. But in Spirit of V&A terms, congratulations to Adam Jacot for playing without placing demands for an end to bowl from or for a specific batting position. No. Selfless Adam didn’t even burden Rob Taylor with demands to bat or bowl at all. Lovely chap.

Roll on summer. England to win the World Cup and the Ashes. Somerset to win the Championship at last. Lady Dowding to win V&A Player of the Year 2019.